Revelations

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”(Isaiah 55:8)

It has been so good to be back in a Bible study! Of course, I joined one on Revelation, which is overwhelming and super hard to comprehend, but I already received many revelations through the first 5 chapters. One of the things God convicted me of is my outlook on life. I have gotten into the habit of expecting hardships and obstacles. This has been a great disservice to God considering how many blessings I have received! My new goal is look at my life as an adventure. Instead of worrying, planning and trying to figure out all the details of my life, I am going to try to embrace the changes and challenges that come my way. I keep having to remind myself that it is not my job to figure everything out. God has already done it. It’s time for me to wait on and welcome God’s surprises.

Another revelation I have received is I need to surrender. Yes, if you read my blog, you might remember that I talk about surrendering all the time. Well, I have yet to master this monumental request. It is battle for me. Recently, God showed me again how surrendering results in freedom! I have been stressing and praying about a very important decision. I was hitting roadblock after roadblock. It was so frustrating! Yesterday, I held out my hands to the Lord and said, “I give you…” Today, the solution came. It wasn’t just a good solution, it was a great one. God is so good to answer my prayers. Maybe not exactly how I want them to be answered, but his ways are by far the best!

How do you know when...?

I had the privilege of spending a significant amount of time last week with a dear friend who is struggling with her past, present and foreseeable future. She has been through so much pain and loss. Her healing journey has not been easy, but God is at work. I have been blessed to be a part of watching her life be transformed by the Mighty One!

What an exhausting yet exhilarating time we shared. At first, I felt I just didn’t have it in me to sit and dissect all her emotions and thoughts. I have so much going on personally. Honestly, I felt as if I was going to go mad over all that I have on my plate. But, God knows where my time and efforts should be spent, and He carved out three different times for us to meet. Even though our subject matter was very difficult and I did not have the tools to fix her challenges, our time together was such a blessing. As I meet with individuals who are feeling paralyzed by their circumstances, I have to surrender my natural tendency to “fix” it and allow God to guide my words. At the end of our conversations, I felt as though we had worked through some of her issues, but I also felt God working within me. One of her biggest questions was, “How do you know when you are in God’s will?” Now that was something I really had to ponder!

I began to reflect on how I know that right now, I am in God’s Will. First of all, even though tough things happen and curve balls are being thrown my way often, I feel joy and peace. I was reminded of this last week when Oswald Chambers said, “It is an insult to use the word happiness in connection with Jesus Christ. The joy of Jesus was the absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice of Himself to His Father, the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do (August 31).” There are some days I wish I could just be happy, but happiness is usually a temporary feeling that comes and goes. Joy and peace last and if I don’t feel these two fruits of the Spirit, I can pretty much guarantee I have stepped out of His Will. In the past, I have often found peace and joy after hours or days of completely freaking out. Now, I feel pangs of fear when challenges come my way, but they swiftly dissipate as I pray and read His Word. It is then that I recall God’s promises of being faithful, true, my protector, my deliverer, my counselor, and so on…

One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27: 3-5, NIV

Angels Among Us, April 30th

This weekend I will be participating in the 18th Annual Angels Among Us 5K & Family Fun Walk.You can visit my personal fundraising page and click the "Support Beth" button to make a donation now. Your tax-deductible gift could potentially prevent a child from leaving this earth too early!

http://dccc.convio.net/site/TR/Angels/TR-AngelsAmongUs?px=1016205&pg=personal&fr_id=1080

If you would prefer, you can also mail your tax-deductible contribution to the following address:

Tisch Brain Tumor Center-Angels

DUMC Box 3624

Durham, NC 27710

I greatly appreciate your support!

Sincerely,

Beth

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Old Habits

I’ve been busy holding it together and looking somewhat normal these days and it is exhausting. I remember I used to do this before Meredith died. I would pretend that all was well and everything was just “perfect.” Old habits come back swiftly. The last few days I have been SO frustrated. I have several balls up in the air and while all are good and positive, the pressure and expectations I have for myself are overwhelming. I was looking through some of my old memorabilia and came across my 1st grade report card. I laughed as I saw the comment from my teacher, “Beth is struggling in reading and spelling. She expects a great deal of herself and this places added pressure.” I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but clearly I expect a lot from myself, so when I fall short, I feel so defeated.

Over the last few days, I have found myself unable to express my feelings, angry over the life that I have, cynical about what I have been through, and most of all, paralyzed when it comes to writing. These old habits are absolutely consuming. I could not hear from the Lord as my anger burned deeply. I could feel it all over my body and in my soul. All the memories came back on why and how I got to this point. Luckily, I went to this worship conference last night and was able to reconnect with the Lord. I didn’t even know what to pray other than, Help! I hated how I was feeling. I could not even acknowledge or give thanks for all that God has done for me, all I could do was fume at what I had lived through and what I had lost. I needed to break free or I was going to lose it!

As I prayed for relief, I began to cry and remember… I cannot stuff the feelings I have inside, I have to allow God to purge them from my soul. With my tears, came relief. I needed Him to change my anger into understanding. He began to reveal to me why I was so frustrated. I always want control of my life. I live in complete abandonment to God and then I quickly pull back and try to present what I think looks good, or what I believe to be the purpose of my life. I quickly forget that this is the life God created for me and that it is a good life full of blessings and purpose. Everything I have faced in my 34 years, is being used for God’s glory right now. He has positioned me in my job, community and church to make positive changes for Him. God has used my pain of losing Meredith, my past relationships and my experience walking through separation and divorce in powerful ways this year. None of these trials have been a waste.

So, I am happy to say that God dealt with my old habits last night. I know they will come back for a visit again one day, but I am elated they are gone for now. My heart is grateful that when I ask the Lord for help and submit to him, He always comes through!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

Miracles

There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life. ~Chambers

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a difficult place emotionally. I was reflecting upon my life trying to figure out how things came to be. I was sitting in my office and my boss asked me if I was doing okay. I began to cry and said, “this just isn’t what I thought my life would turn out to be.” It can be quite a challenge to accept our lives as they are. We have all endured great disappointment in some way or the other. As I have struggled to know where to go from here, God has prompted me to think about the many miracles He performed in the Bible.

In my opinion, God bringing me back to Jesus healing the sick, feeding the 5,000 and giving a blind man sight was not to remind me that He did perform miracles, but that He is performing miracles. I still believe in miracles, even though my baby’s healing on this earth didn’t take place. I do struggle with the whole idea them, though. I will say that what I have learned about miracles is that they are not always what we expect.

My life is an example of a miracle. When I think about approaching 3 years in April since losing my daughter, I am reminded how far I have come. It has nothing to do with me being a strong or resilient person. I don’t owe my recovery to my son or family and friends. I am here today because God gave me enough strength, comfort and endurance to live one minute at a time. He is the only relationship that truly matters to me. As harsh as that sounds, it is a reality. People will fail, mislead and disappoint me, but God is consistent, loving and truthful. He meets my every need and has carried me through the most dark and horrific circumstances. I am currently watching miracles in other’s lives as well. God has brought some very special relationships into my life this year and I have witnessed His hand at work. I am honored to be a part of watching God’s healing power in the lives of others.

Yes, sometimes my life seems too hard or disappointing in some areas. But, God has also given me a vision for the life I have now, and I want it to be of priceless value to His purposes, which means pushing through the memories of what could have been and pushing toward a life where His purposes are accomplished no matter the cost.

Breaking a Heart

“If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” ~Oswald Chambers

It has been months since I have sat down at my computer and journaled. Writing is usually a great stress releaser for me, but lately I have been under writing deadlines and that has killed my usual excitement. Many of you know that I have been writing Meredith’s memoir. I started right after her death, met with publishers in 2009 and am finally in production. I’ve read through the details of her life and death so many times and although it has been painful, it has been a time of great healing. I have seen and felt God in ways I cannot describe. I believe God wrote this book. I was just the vessel in which He used. A friend asked me what I have learned the most from this experience. It was a great question and one that I could answer quickly, obedience. Time after time, I thought I could not write, edit and explain this story. I wanted to leave behind the events that occurred in 2008. I wanted to pretend they didn't exist because the pain was intolerable. But, each time I wanted to give up and forget, God challenged me to be obedient. All the steps up until this point, fell together with ease.

I know writing this book was part of God’s plan for my life. I know this because every time I wanted to stop, people encouraged me to go. Sermons challenged me to continue, devotions said, “persevere.” Being in God’s Will isn’t always comfortable, but necessary.

When I read the quote above by Chambers, my faith is tested. It is hard to believe that God would use a broken heart to achieve His purposes. But, I realize that faith isn’t always black and white. It is about trusting a God who we do not understand. It is about being at peace with His plan for our lives, and knowing with assurance that His plans are to give us a hope and a future.

Lord willing, Mer’s book will come out on February 16th, on her 4th birthday. It is my memorial to her, and a message of hope in the midst of unbearable circumstances.

Beth

Compassionate Friends Interview

My Carolina Today

Monday, October 18th on My Carolina Today (NBC 17) at 11:00 my interview will air. I was asked to speak about my experience with Compassionate Friends. I hope I represented Meredith well:) DVR it!

http://www.mycarolinatoday.com/

My Little Missionary

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that,

if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask,

we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
1 John 5:14-15 (King James Version)

Satan has been on top of me in a way I have not experienced since the days leading to Meredith’s death. I have been in a state of depression that pressed upon my soul so deeply that I never thought I would see the light again. Although Satan wounded me, he did not crush me. I am back on track and what man intended for evil, God will turn into good.

As I sat in church desperate to hear from the Lord, I was reminded of two reoccurring lessons from the Lord. In the midst of such a difficult time, once again, God had me go back to 1 John 5: 14-15. Honestly, these verses kill me. It makes me feel like I didn’t ask right or with enough sincerity for God to intervene and heal my child. It causes me to feel confused and frustrated by God’s mysterious way of answering prayer. However, I was reminded (once again) that praying in God’s will involves committing “every single thing that comes into our lives to God and His perfect will” (Evelyn Christenson, 2000). Ultimately, these verses lead me back to the knowledge I have that Meredith’s life and death were part of God’s plan and that He did heal Meredith by giving her the best life ever in Eternity. What I asked for, He gave her. God healed her.

Meredith was a missionary for God, a vessel He used to open our eyes to His blessings and mercy. I am thankful that her life meant so much to many, and that the purpose of her life was to further the Kingdom. The exciting part is her work is not done. What Meredith did for me was inspire and ignite in me a deeper passion for the Lord. There are things that God is requiring of me that I would have never even attempted if Meredith did not come into my life. I cannot wait to share them with you so stay tuned.

The second challenge God has placed before me is to focus on what I have rather than what I don’t. This week we studied Genesis 3, The Fall of Man. Most of you know the story but I liked how Ms. Hunt explained it, “Eve’s attention was riveted to the tree—not the garden full of goodness, not God’s gracious fellowship and provision. Just the tree… The more she looks the more appealing it becomes. It’s always that way when Satan gets us to concentrate of the temptation instead of God… How many times has the serpent tempted you to think, A good God wouldn’t keep me from this, would He?” The specifics of this account are different but the strategy is the same. I look at my life and I cannot see all of God’s goodness and grace. I know it is there, I feel it, I comprehend it but I cannot live it. For me, it always comes down to…I have all of this…but I don’t have the one thing I really want, MEREDITH. I know in order to move ahead and to fully honor Mer’s name, I must concentrate on what I have instead of all I lost.


Christenson, E. (2000). How to Pray in God's Will. In A Gentle Spirit. Barbour.
Hunt, G. (1990). Temptation’s Strategy. In NIV Women’s Devotional Bible. Zondervan.

Feeling Failed

Today I felt like crying at least five or six times. Normal things and odd things triggered my tears; a friend of mine’s email about a dying brother, drama on one of my favorite shows, celebrities going back to their first jobs on Oprah. I felt as though I was walking through each of those situations with these people. It was definitely overwhelming. I know when I am weepy, I need to cry over Meredith. I need to just sit down at my computer and start writing about her. When I spend time writing, the reality sets in that she is not here. The memories come flooding back. I suppose the email I received today really made me emotionally fragile. Although the circumstances of this man’s death and Meredith’s were so different there were common threads. He was loved by many and had several hundred visitors while he was sick. God blessed his family with time to say goodbye and peace while he passed away. This man left a legacy as he loved God, loved his family and loved his community. He was 50 when he left this earth to be with Jesus. It was too early and unfair, just like Mer. As I pondered how to respond to this friend’s email, I could not come up with the words. I suppose I should have some soothing and comforting words to say; however, my own loss still haunts me.
I have been so excited about what God is doing in my life. There has been so much redemption. I feel I have been called to the ministry and I am walking forward in faith. I really don’t know what this calling looks like, but I know that there is much purpose in my story. I know that God wants me to use the lessons I have learned and heartache I have endured to help hurting women. How it all shapes up…is still an exciting mystery. As I am preparing to take the next steps forward in serving Him, there is so much unfinished business on my part. My verse for the day was Hebrews 13:5b, “I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU." It was followed by this very question, “Have I really let God say to me that He will never fail me?” (Chambers, 1963).
It is incredibly challenging to not feel deserted/failed/abandoned by the Lord when I think of losing Meredith. If I focus on the good that has occurred over the years, I know my life is so much better than it was before this tragedy, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. Everything is fixed, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. So much of God’s Word makes sense to me, EXCEPT for the part that doesn’t explain why I had to lose Meredith. This exception keeps me questioning, pondering and conflicted. In every other part of my life I don’t feel deserted, but when it comes to asking God to do a miracle and cure my little girl, I feel FAILED.
All that I know to do is TRUST that in the end redemption will be seen in all things, including the exception.
Beth

Abandonment Again

“Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.” (Matthew 6:25, KJV).

I’ve been hoping and praying for about a month about something and got a disappointing yet predictable answer. I have to say I was prepared for another disappointment as this seems to be the theme in my present life. Preparation does not always mean peaceful acceptance for me. I went through a range of emotions, had a pity party, and slept for 2 hours to try to escape those feelings of "Surely, God is not for me, everything is so hard for me..."

After all my sulking, I opened up my devotion and my verse for the day was, Matthew 6:33 which reads, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Chambers went on to say, "We argue the opposite way---I must live; I must make so much money; I must be clothed; I must be fed. The great concern on our lives is not the kingdom of God, but how we are to fit ourselves to live. Jesus reverses the order.”

It appears that God is hearing my cries as He insists that I not worry and make Him my constant focus. I am attempting to be obedient as “worrying means that we do not think God can look after the practical details of our lives” (Chambers). I cannot describe the amount of energy and depth of faith it takes to live these verses out. Yet, deep down, I know that being obedient will result in immeasurable blessings. Living it is tough though and there are days where I feel too broken and too weak to keep traveling on this road of suffering.

Once again, I have found myself in complete dependence on the Lord, waiting for His command to make my next move…

Get a hold of God, not of the answer

“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22, KJV).

I am currently reading Corrie Ten Boom’s book, A Prisoner and Yet… and the feelings it evokes in my soul are indescribable. Although I experienced only a small portion of her pain, I still feel a connection to her. Throughout these two years I have read many of her words in the devotions I have been given. But, those snippets do not compare to the power of her story. Corrie was a tremendous example of how to love God in the midst of great suffering. I was struck the other night by one of her thoughts about God. She was incredibly focused on Him and undeniably grateful for His mercy in the most horrific situation imaginable. When she arrived at the Ravensbruck Concentration Camp she saw a young girl who was feeble-minded, emaciated and alone. Her heart ached as she begged God to take this poor child to Him quickly. Perplexed she held on to the fact that, “God makes no mistakes. He looks upon trouble and grief with the intent that we shall bring it to Him and leave it with Him” (Boom, 1954). I was struck by this idea of when we don’t understand the “why” of suffering that our goal should be to just “get a hold of God, not of the answer.” (Chambers, 1935).

I know this is what God is requiring of me. As I approach my daughter’s birthday it’s so hard to not focus on the horrors of my reality. She would be three on Tuesday. She would have been so cute, so sweet, and so unique. I would be throwing a birthday party for a girl and a boy. But, instead I get to grieve the loss of a precious innocent little baby. Instead of celebrating I will be mourning. It’s incredibly sad and heart wrenching. However, I know Meredith dying was not a mistake. It is a daily struggle to bring my suffering to the Lord and to leave my pain with Him, but if I do not I will surely succumb to my circumstances.

“Praying is bringing to the Lord everything that troubles and distresses us. It means leaving our burden of cares with Him and going on without it.”~Corrie Ten Boom

Wrestling

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. Genesis 32:24 (NIV).

As I gaze into the pictures of my daughter, I see myself. It takes my mind a minute or two to register what is before my eyes. This child had my eyes and a piece of my soul within her, and now those eyes and that part of me are dead.

I cannot believe it has been almost two years since my nightmare began. It was this very weekend two years ago that my life would never be the same. The flashbacks have come on strong lately. I see myself in the hospital with Meredith. I remember the effects of the surgeries and chemotherapy. I cannot get the visions of her just lying there so sick out of my mind. The tears begin…these tears burn my eyes and send shooting pains to my brow. These are tears of intense anguish. Even though with every drop relief comes, they burn within me and lead me back to a place I have visited so many times before.

I cry out to the Lord, “Why?” I stand before Him in disbelief that He could allow my sweet precious baby to die.

Lately, my time with the Lord has been similar to a WWF wrestling match. I was reminded by my devotions this week that wrestling before God is actually His permissive will. Furthermore, “It is our reaction to the permissive will of God that enables us to get at His order”(Chambers, 1963). I have found this to be incredibly true. The more I grapple the more strength I receive.

Beware of squatting lazily before God instead of putting up a glorious fight so that you may lay hold of His strength. –Oswald Chambers

Chambers, O. (1963). My Utmost for His Highest. Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Poster Child for Suffering

Fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. Daniel 10:19

As Christmas swiftly approaches, my thoughts and emotions shift from numbness and denial, to desperation and despair. Unfortunately, the celebration of Christ’s birth can be absolutely heartbreaking for a bereaved parent. It has been surreal to watch others prepare for the season of thanksgiving, joy and peace all the while thinking about what I’ve lost.

When I became a parent, I never imagined that I would have to let go of my child. I know God kept my mind from going down that road early on. If I, or any of us, concentrated on such a great loss, it would be such a bleak existence. But, once it has happened to you, the horror sets in that you will spend the rest of your life with an indescribable loss. It can make even the happiest times dreadful and lonely.

Being a bereaved parent defines who you are, realigns your thinking forever and makes you vulnerable to a sadness that penetrates every inch of your body. The suffering can be less evasive over time, but it never leaves. You can only heal but so much.

I have been pondering the healing that has taken place in my life since 2008. The road has been tough, sometimes unbearable, but through all of my suffering a great deal of comfort has been bestowed upon me. People have pointed out the blessings in my life over the past two years, but my mind and heart have been consumed with so much hurt and betrayal, I really could not comprehend these things. For the first time, I have been able to see the big picture. I have been able to see God's purpose in all my pain.

Today, one of the pastors at my church read this quote from George Mueller, “Our Father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.” As I began to analyze this quote I immediately thought…”Well, this does not apply to me because he cannot give me another baby that is better than Meredith.” But, then I realized that this quote is not about giving me a “better baby” or another baby at all. It’s about how God gives us a different perspective and focus when He takes things or people away. For me, He gave me a “Kingdom Focus” and for that I am grateful.

Losing Meredith has just about killed me, but it has also led me to the cross for every breath I take. I breathe because God wants me to, because He is not done with me on this Earth. I have been branded by Jesus and although it has been painful physically and emotionally, the presence of Christ in my life is worth it.

Squeezing Grapes Into Wine

Since going back to work, my writing has decreased drastically. When I write, I am usually exploring my feelings and relaxing. There has been no time for that.
Work is going great. I love my students and my coworkers. I am enjoying teaching as I always have. Tyler is having a great time at his preschool. He is always smiling and dancing with joy when I return to get him. I miss him but know he is in the most precious hands, hands that God presented to me when going back to work was a necessity. I could not have asked for a better situation. We are blessed.
A very exciting thing has happened since I returned to work. My son, “Tank Tyler” has started to cuddle with me. When he was very young, he liked to be held close, but quickly he became “Mr. Independent.” This was okay, as he is a boy and he likes to climb on top of things not sit with his mother. But, lately he has wanted to bury his head in my neck and just cuddle. I cannot explain what a gift this has been for me. As I mentioned before, Meredith loved to be held. We cuddled all the time. There were so many times that we napped on the couch together, that I just held her on my lap and rocked her at night. She was like an accessory to me. The other night, when I was holding my son before bed, it felt euphoric. He is so warm and squishy. I could almost feel our hearts beating as one. I enjoyed this moment so much. It reminded me of being at Duke after giving birth to Tyler. I was thrilled to be able to really hold Meredith again. When she first got sick, I was so uncomfortable and holding her with all the tubes and machines was much too hard. I was afraid I would disconnect something; I was petrified I would hurt her in some way. I just couldn’t do it. But, after Tyler’s birth, I was elated to hold my baby girl once again. I held her so tight and it felt right. At that moment, the beeping machines and tubes did not matter. We were back together snuggling close just as we always had. This memory takes my breath away. So quickly things can change…
My devotion yesterday from “My Utmost for His Highest” was very thought provoking. The verse was Colossians 1:24 (NIV) and Paul was talking about his work for the church.

Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.

Oswald Chambers clarifies this verse by saying, “God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with…We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.” How true this is…my set of circumstances have nearly crushed me. Often times I thought they were going to crush me to the point of death. However, before January of 2008, I was simply a juicy grape. God spent years filling me with his words, promises and comfort. Now he is squeezing them out of me. The afflictions have been painful but the final product will be poured-out wine.

Isaiah 61:1

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted. (Isa. 61:1)

Currently, I am doing a study by Beth Moore called “Breaking Free.” Good gracious, it is a real soul wrenching journey through the past present and future. It has spoken to me on so many different levels and even though I would love to be doing some cushy study, I know this is what God wants me to be doing right now. Last night, I read the chapter based around this Isaiah verse. I felt as though the chapter and verse were written just for me. There is a portion where Beth Moore defines the word “broken” in Hebrew. It is Shavar meaning, “to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear in pieces.” As much as I try to avoid focusing on the realities on my world, it remains that this is the condition of my heart. This one word encompasses everything I feel inside the walls of my skin. It is tempting to hide from these emotions and to pretend that I don’t really feel this way. It would be so much easier to just leave behind the experiences I have had and not search for answers…purpose…peace. I want to run as fast as I can and hope these feelings never catch me. Instead, I have chosen to face these feelings, to allow God to put the pieces of my heart back together and to close up all the wounds. Yes, running would be so much easier, but I’ve never run from anything and I won’t start now.

This verse has a twofold meaning for me. According to Isa 61:1, “one of God’s greatest priorities is binding up the broken hearted” (Moore 2000). This is comforting to someone like me and probably to you as well. I have a feeling a lot of you have felt wrecked, crushed and smashed like me. This world is a rough one to live in. There have been times like Job that I have asked God why he brought me into this world if he knew I would suffer like this. I mean, I would have rather never existed then to have experienced the loss of a child and a spiteful divorce. But, the deed was done and I was born and I am happy to say I have experienced joy and satisfaction in this life of mine. Right now though, it is hard to recall them when the pain is so prevalent.

In this verse, Isaiah is referring to Christ of course when he says “me.” However, when I first glanced at it, I saw it as another confirmation of what God is asking me to do with my past and present. Since God created man in his own image (Genesis 1:27, NIV) then I should be striving to bind up the broken hearted too. I truly desire to be there for others who are brokenhearted. As I said in my last post, God is revealing how, when and where I fit into this world and I am encouraged and driven to go through the doors he is opening for me.

I REALLY benefit from the comments you all have been sending me. Tears flood my eyes when strangers as well as friends love on me. I know I would have caved if not for all the words I received on the Carepages website as well as this current site. I want to thank you for motivating me to take some real leaps of faith this year.

Have a great Labor Day weekend,

Beth

Dreaming of Where to Go...

April 27, 2009I believe I have made it through the “firsts” of my journey without Meredith. I survived Christmas, her birthday, Easter, the day of her death and now my first fundraiser for brain cancer research. Saturday was a strange day for me. I saw Dr. G. for the first time since he showed me Mer’s last MRI the day she died. I saw survivors walking around the grounds with family members praising God for their progress, and I wept at the “Wall of Honor” as I read stories of people who had fought a good fight, but ultimately lost the battle. I was pleased with our t-shirts for Meredith as they truly encompassed the feelings I have in so many ways. Romans 8:37 reads, “… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us” (ASV). No, we have not triumphed over cancer, but with God’s help, we can live through it. I find a great deal of strength in this verse. It reminds me that I can make it from the beginning to the end of this life. There are days where it just seems daunting, demanding and arduous, but the fact remains that I can conquer all the things that I face with God’s help.
I’ve had a reoccurring dream the past few weeks. It takes place in a high school and I am a student. I am in class and the bell rings. I have to go to the next destination, but I don’t know what class I am signed up to attend. I wonder around aimlessly searching for the next place but stand in the halls confused. Finally, I go to the main office and ask them to print me off a new schedule. They comply and I quickly place it in my pink planner (this is so me, isn’t it?) The dream ends…The other night, I had the same dream but it had some additions to it. This time the bell rang and I went to grab my planner, knowing I had gotten an additional printout, but the planner was gone! I could not believe it. I went into the halls and there I saw my little girl in a class with other children. I was surprised as I had not seen her or known what was going on with her. She was still sick with cancer but she was walking. Her teacher was surprised when I demanded to know why I hadn’t been informed of her status and progress. I could not believe that I was not being updated. He went on to tell me that “it was not looking good” and she was still having major issues. I immediately grabbed her and said I would take care of nursing her back to health. Yes, I would fix her. The next scene was me in a classroom crying that Meredith had died.I rarely dream about Meredith, I can only hope one day she will frequent them. But, when she is in my dreams, I know I need to pay attention. I’ve interpreted this dream in many ways thus far. I believe I am at a crossroads in my life. I have to start over, reinvent myself, as I am no longer the old Beth. However, I am not sure exactly where to go. I am no longer Meredith’s Mom and Chris’s Wife. I am just Beth- and quite frankly I don’t know what to do with myself. I know my life journey is supposed to be used for God, but as my dream depicts, I am not sure which way to go. I am stuck in the hallways of life WITHOUT my pink planner. For those of you who know me well, you know how I hate to not plan things out. It is part of my personality and now I sit here and I mentally, physically and emotionally cannot plan. I know this is another “test” that will one day complete my “testimony,” but it is difficult and awkward for me. I want to know the rest of the story. I want to have a clear focus. I desire to know which path I take in life, and where I will end up. Waiting on the Lord is unbelievably difficult. So is trying to understand Him, ugh!
I think this dream reveals that no matter what obstacles our children face, we believe deep down we can cure them with our love and devotion. Oh, how I wish I could have changed the outcome of my daughter’s battle with cancer. I would have done anything, no matter what sacrifices had to be made. However, she was not mine to fix as I gave her to the Lord the day I birthed her. I told Him Meredith was His and so it was up to Him to fix her, which He did.
I would love my life to have turned out differently. I look at pictures of me as a young girl and I cannot believe that innocent girl has lived through this kind of heartache. I carry on though, walking through doors that are open and sometimes knocking on those that are closed. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Psalm 5:3).
Beth