The Goal: Contentment

The Christmas season is filled with a mixture of emotions for me. It usually starts off with a sense of dread, then turns into a time of numbness, then excitement and finally the despair sets in. Every year, the process shortens and the despair lessons—but it is still present. Every time I felt sad this Christmas, I came back to the fact that Christmas is not about me and what I do and do not have, but it is about Christ. I listened to a sermon and it focused on this very fact. Many times my emotions and the way the world emphasizes material items, get me off track. The birth of Christ and who Jesus was and is today is the focus. I really worked hard to meditate on this, but to my disappointment, sadness reined in my heart yesterday. As soon as I awoke, I knew it was not going to be a good day. By God’s grace, I was able to enjoy the weather, work on projects, grocery shop, etc… As I wrapped up all my activities, I felt the grief come. I am still amazed at how fast it overtakes me. In mid sentence, I began weeping and once I found a quiet and private place, I burst into tears. I’m sad that I don’t get to see Meredith on Christmas morning. I’m angry that I only had one Christmas with her. I feel slighted. These joys were taken from me because of cancer.

I want so badly to be stronger than this—to accept my fate and to praise God instead of question Him. It is just so hard. The pain is so deep, the loss so great. I know that I cannot be content with God’s plan on my own. I need His help badly. I was so encouraged as I read my devotion tonight. The verse states, “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”(Philippians 4:11). It comes across as such an easy thing. Paul went through hardships, suffering and persecution and he was content, so I should be too. However, I loved what Joni Tada says about this verse, “Perhaps Paul’s secret of learning to be content was simply learning to lean on God’s grace.”

It is clear that Paul’s ability to accept God’s plan for his life was through Grace:

a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
c. An excellence or power granted by God.

May you be challenged to feel contentment and praise this Christmas.

Blessings,
Beth

Survival

I’ve sat down and tried to write for days now, and have struggled to put anything down on paper. I have been paralyzed with grief waiting for this day to arrive. Honestly, the days leading to Mer’s anniversary are more difficult than the actual day. The anticipatory grief can be debilitating. The last two weeks have been full of feelings that have been overwhelming to say the least. In the past, I have spent the time before Mer’s anniversary in a haze. Most of the time, I spend it asleep. Sleeping is my escape from everything. It is my favorite thing to do. The way I relax is to sleep. I love it and never get enough of it. So, I anticipated sleeping today while Tyler played with my parents. But, I couldn’t. I saw this as a positive step as this year I didn’t need to totally escape from my life. So, I spent the day outside. I ran, read and played with Tyler. I allowed the tears and memories to come and go naturally. I remembered my baby shower for Meredith and how excited I was to be having a girl; I remembered how happy she made me, how unique she looked, how perfect she was, and how hard she fought to hold on at the end. I also remembered the exact moment she died in my arms. It’s hard to believe that I said good bye to her 3 years ago today. It is even harder to believe that I have survived without her. As I reflected on my survival, God revealed some powerful answers to my question:

First, I survived because of God’s comfort and compassion. “The Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones” (Isaiah 49:13).

Second, I survived because of God’s purpose for my life. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Third, I survived because of the people God surrounded me with through my crisis and the people who have walked with me faithfully through the healing process. “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble” Proverbs 17;17, The Message).

I thank God for all of you who have not only stuck by me but who have also kept Meredith’s memory alive.

Sowing in Tears

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Psalm 126 : 5-6, NIV

I’ve spent the last two days remembering Meredith, which mean millions of tears and usually a lack of motivation. It started with a staff devotion that focused on Psalm 126. This chapter is a song of praise for the restoration God has poured out on the lives of the Israelites. It also includes a plea of restoration for those who planted their crops in despair and were waiting for God to bring rain. As I listened to this passage, I began thinking of all God has done in my life. How I have cried so many tears over my pain and it has NOT been in vain. I can rejoice now over what God has done. I can see His hand in preparing me for a future I could have never imagined.
I have been watching old videos of Meredith. I know that seems like a torturous thing to do, but in order for me to really remember her, I need to see her. Yes, I think of her probably 15 times a day, but to remember her laugh, crawl and personality, I have to see her. I praise God for those videos. Although there are continuous tears of pain streaming as I watch my very normal baby, I feel such joy in knowing that God entrusted such a precious life to me. She was not normal at all, Meredith was an agent of change, a child who impacted many people for Christ. When Mer was alive, I prayed she would be a good person, love others and care for those in need. I just had no idea that her life and death would inspire, encourage and give hope to those who were struggling with their own battles.
For the first time, I can see “the harvest” before me. Meredith was the catalyst that God used in my life to propel me to a life of ministry. She inspired me to not waste a moment of my life. She gave me the desire to dig in deep to God’s word and not just believe in Him but to believe Him. His word has come alive in my life and even though my sowing has been accompanied by trouble and sorrow, His harvest brings me a joy that is indescribable.

And now, God, do it again—bring rains to our drought-stricken lives so those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, so those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing. (Psalm 126:4-6, The Message).

Birthdays

God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome ~Oswald Chambers

Thank you so much for praying me through last week’s birthdays. Your cards, emails, FB messages and phone calls were such a blessing. I have to admit that it was a minute by minute battle to make it through past memories and to face the present and the future. Celebrating and mourning Meredith’s 3rd birthday was one of the hardest things I have done. Last year was totally different. I was in the midst of such raw grief and I was used to crying every day if not every minute. I got through her 2nd birthday with much more ease as I was hardly coherent. This year was so hard. The depression and pain were intense. The fact that Meredith wasn’t coming back sat upon my chest like concrete. The reality that my daughter is dead still astounds and completely shocks me. In the middle of all those emotions and feelings of horror this little blond haired, happy faced, talkative boy stood before me. “Mama okay?” he would say. “I love you too” he would repeat as I wept. What an indescribable gift God gave me when I was blessed with Tyler. No, he doesn’t fill the void left by Mer, but he certainly makes me get out of bed and face each day. Not only did I get out of bed, I threw him a rather large Barney Birthday Bash that nearly killed me. I cooked, cleaned, planned games, and scoured all of Raleigh to buy purple and green decor. It was so much fun to shower him with love, attention and gifts. This celebration was also a good reminder that there is joy to be felt on this Earth.

I tried to stay close to the Lord last week, but it was a struggle. When I reach a certain place of despair, I just don’t want to crack open my devotions or read the Bible. Sometimes the words feel like salt in my wounds. However, I read a little each day from My Utmost for His Highest and was once again comforted and encouraged by the words on the page. On Meredith’s birthday the verse was Ephesians 5:14, “Arise from the dead.” February 17th was “Arise and eat” (1 Kings 19:5), February 18th: “Rise, let us be going” (Matthew 26:46) and on February 19th it was “Arise, shine” from Isaiah 60:1. How fascinating it was that Oswald Chambers knew (from Heaven of course) that I would need to be challenged in the areas of …spiritual initiative, depression, despair and drudgery. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been struggling with these same issues on the same days only in the early 1900s.

His words, “When the inspiration of God does come, it comes with such miraculous power that we are able to arise from the dead and do the impossible thing” brought many thoughts to my mind. If only this passage was meant for Meredith and she could arise from the dead, how my life would change. But, instead it was pertaining to me. When you lose a child, a part of you dies too. I might look put together or look like I am doing well, but I am emotionally disabled and forever disfigured. I will never look tidy, complete and put together on the inside. Frankly, I have felt like the walking dead since January 2008. I have been able to do the things I have done by praying and seeking God with every step.

On Meredith’s 3rd birthday, I was deeply moved by the notion of God raising me from this “dead” place of despair and tragedy. I want to live again. I want to feel joy in the simple things of life and one day I even want to dream.

Flashbacks

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

One of my recent devotions challenged me to get in the habit of saying “Speak, Lord” in all circumstances. Thus, at one A.M. on Monday I sat in Tyler’s floor and said it. My child had been up for an hour with the croup. I had tried all the home remedies, had spoken to the nurse and was waiting to hear from the doctor. Tyler was happily playing with Mr. Potato Head while I began asking God, “You really want me to go to the ER? Seriously?” I am not naive in thinking that I will never have to take a trip to the emergency room. I realize I have a boy and that he is already a risk taker. I am sure my life will consist of many visits, but the timing of this visit was just plain agonizing.


As I was waiting for the doctor to confirm that an ER trip was in our immediate future, the memories came rushing back. Where would I go? I could not face the Wake Medical ER. I could not take another baby into that hospital. Would I have to convince the doctor’s there was something wrong? Would I be able to do this on my own? I began to gather our things together and walked out the door with Mr. Croup wrapped in my arms. I drove to that ER totally in control and on a mission. The room was as I expected. I immediately knew how to turn on the TV and how to adjust the lighting. I instantly recalled the purpose of the machines and watched as the nurse checked Tyler's vitals.


The fear of losing Tyler crossed my mind, but most of my trauma surrounded around the flashbacks. I was in this place two years ago. I was sitting in a hospital room waiting for a doctor, waiting for answers, and I was waiting with a baby. What kind of God allows this? What lesson is to be learned through this event? I just couldn’t imagine the necessity of this illness and it occurring during this time. January through April are absolutely heart wrenching months for me. I am plagued with the memories of Meredith’s cancer diagnosis, Tyler’s birthday, Meredith’s birthday, my divorce day, and Meredith’s death anniversary. If I could escape these months in Bora Bora that would certainly ease some of the pain. But, NO! I get to go back to the place I dread the most, the hospital. Ugh!
Now that the dust has settled, Tyler is on the mend, the ice has melted and work has resumed, I sit in wonder of how this ER trip fits into my purpose on this Earth. It sounds kind of trivial to think that every event has a purpose, but I have learned the hard way that all my life events and relationships are being weaved together in a bizarre and unique tapestry. The end product will only look good in God’s eyes that is certain.


When I got over my usual pity party, I returned to God’s Word and sure enough He brought me back to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. I found great comfort knowing that I am not alone. When I was driving in the ice that night, I was not alone. When I entered that room with my child, I was not alone. When I faced my greatest fears and walked through my worst nightmare, I was NOT alone.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...

Acceptance

God does not comfort us to make us comfortable. But to make us comforters.

~John Henry Jowlett

It’s so tempting to avoid the memories of the past, to somehow fill my time with other people and things. I do a pretty good job of it. I have a lot of good and positive things to focus on. However, I can get so focused on my day to day tasks that I forget or avoid my grief. I know I need to stop and feel it. I have to release it. If I didn’t, it would fester within me and eventually ruin all the work and progress that I have made so far.

Sometimes I jot down all the things that Tyler is saying and doing on Sundays. I usually do it at church when my mind wonders (don't tell the pastor!). Today I was recording Tyler’s new sayings, like “not working!” (about his train) and “Baby Bop crying!?” (from Barney, of course). It is absolutely glorious and joyful to observe all of his new words and actions. He amazes me continuously with his antics. I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is such a gift. It is during these times that I can feel so much joy while at the same time feel utter grief. I don’t get to witness Meredith talking. I don’t get to see what she would be like with her peers and with her brother. I don’t get to see my daughter turn three next month. Cancer stole her from me and frankly I am angry and disappointed that my baby was the one. If only it could have been me…

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)

I made a promise to God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do with the rest of my life. Now I find myself upset with Him over what He has asked me to do. Without going into too much detail, God is asking me to go back through 2008 again. I have spent the last two years dealing with the events that transpired in my life. Finally, I am in a good place. Two years later, things are clearer and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have forgotten some of the horrific scenes that plagued my mind and heart on a daily basis. Now that I am stronger, He has asked me to revisit my story. Part of me never wants to read those words again. I want to block out every frightening detail. But, as I have prayed over and over about the next step I am to take, God leads me back to the words that He gave me during my journey. Although I am frightened to open up the painful memories, God reminded me in Isaiah 66:13 that, as a mother comforts her child, so will [He] comfort [me].

My acceptance of what God wants for me is crucial. As I watched the baby dedication this morning I was reminded of how serious God takes our promises. When I stood before the Lord and gave my baby girl to Him, I did it out of tradition as well as desire. I realized when God took Meredith to Heaven that I He hadn’t failed me by not healing her, He took my promise to heart, and He did what was right for her. It’s time for me to keep my promise to Him. I did all I could for Meredith her on Earth. And even though what God has asked me to do in the last few years of my life has left me brokenhearted and contrite, I know that “ God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Beth

"We Remember Them"

In the rising of the sun and its going down, we remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter, we remember them.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer, we remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them.

When we weary and in need of strength, we remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,

for they are now a part of us,

as we remember them.

From the Gates of Prayer

Poster Child for Suffering

Fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. Daniel 10:19

As Christmas swiftly approaches, my thoughts and emotions shift from numbness and denial, to desperation and despair. Unfortunately, the celebration of Christ’s birth can be absolutely heartbreaking for a bereaved parent. It has been surreal to watch others prepare for the season of thanksgiving, joy and peace all the while thinking about what I’ve lost.

When I became a parent, I never imagined that I would have to let go of my child. I know God kept my mind from going down that road early on. If I, or any of us, concentrated on such a great loss, it would be such a bleak existence. But, once it has happened to you, the horror sets in that you will spend the rest of your life with an indescribable loss. It can make even the happiest times dreadful and lonely.

Being a bereaved parent defines who you are, realigns your thinking forever and makes you vulnerable to a sadness that penetrates every inch of your body. The suffering can be less evasive over time, but it never leaves. You can only heal but so much.

I have been pondering the healing that has taken place in my life since 2008. The road has been tough, sometimes unbearable, but through all of my suffering a great deal of comfort has been bestowed upon me. People have pointed out the blessings in my life over the past two years, but my mind and heart have been consumed with so much hurt and betrayal, I really could not comprehend these things. For the first time, I have been able to see the big picture. I have been able to see God's purpose in all my pain.

Today, one of the pastors at my church read this quote from George Mueller, “Our Father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.” As I began to analyze this quote I immediately thought…”Well, this does not apply to me because he cannot give me another baby that is better than Meredith.” But, then I realized that this quote is not about giving me a “better baby” or another baby at all. It’s about how God gives us a different perspective and focus when He takes things or people away. For me, He gave me a “Kingdom Focus” and for that I am grateful.

Losing Meredith has just about killed me, but it has also led me to the cross for every breath I take. I breathe because God wants me to, because He is not done with me on this Earth. I have been branded by Jesus and although it has been painful physically and emotionally, the presence of Christ in my life is worth it.

Thanking You This Thanksgiving!

Healing requires that in an act of faith, we turn from reliance on human strategies for healing and turn to God by choosing to face the truth and feel. (Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul, 2005).

During this time of the year, I want to run from the realities of my life and the feelings that come along with them. I fear an emotional avalanche coming on and it frightens me. I wish I could feel joy during the holidays. It has been so long since I have actually been excited about celebrating with family and friends. I try to just get through these times. But, Holidays are followed by the birthdays of a dead child, a living child, and finally the death anniversary of my precious Mer. I spend half of my year preparing for emotionally taxing months and the rest of the year getting through those months. I don’t want to sound like “Debbie Downer.” I do desire to walk around chipper and excited about things. I know I won’t always feel this way. I know it will get better as more healing takes place.

This year I wanted to create a list of what I was thankful for, but it never came to fruition. I want to put into words the gratitude I feel toward God, my family, and my precious friends,but I don’t even know where to start. I knew this process would also require me to “face the truth and feel,” which is something I avoid continually. As I was working on my Bible Study this week, I read the first step in healing from an unhealthy relationship. Stage 1 is to Establish Safety. As I began to ponder this stage, it reminded me of the amazing job my family and friends have done to provide me with a safe environment and most of all, a place to start over.

Thank You God:

• for giving me a hope and a future,
• for protecting my babies from evil,
• for giving my baby girl a new life of absolute bliss and joy,
• for protecting me from long-term physical harm,
• for keeping my townhouse in my name and making me come back to it,
• for allowing me to have the parents I have
• and friends who fall at your feet and pray for me.

Thank you Mom & Dad:

• For allowing me to be myself,
• for listening to me vent,
• for sharing intimate moments with me full of sorrow and suffering,
• for financially providing for me to stay home with Tyler till he was 18 months old,
• for guarding me like a hedge of thorns from my enemies,
• for giving me freedom to express myself openly,
• and for making me the woman I am today.

Thank you Family:

Mike & Kim

• for letting me move in with a baby dying from cancer, an infant and our Mother,
• for opening your home up to many people eager to help,
• for saying, “you can live with us” without hesitation when we needed a place to live,
• for supporting me for 8 months after Meredith died and allowing your house to be used as a hotel for all the various family members who wanted to come help.

Aunt Joyce Lynne

• for guarding me like a hawk in the hospital,
• for your strength and diligence to keep me from going into premature labor with Tyler,
• for your persistence that I sit and be wheeled in a wheelchair all around Duke for weeks,
• for your wisdom.

Aunt Bev

• for helping me see the truth,
• for your wisdom,
• for holding my baby girl all night in the hospital so she would feel love and comfort in the arms of her family instead of the coldness of her hospital bed,
• and for your prayers and encouragement.

Mama Too

• for being on your knees for me all the time,
• who at 84 years old, held my baby girl in her arms as well for hours,
• and for your wisdom and encouragement.

Thank you Cat:

• For being there for me through thick and thin,
• for loving me like a sister,
• for listening to me laugh, cry, grieve, vent, think outloud, etc…
• for talking on the phone to me at least 5 times a day (if not more),
• for being like a mother to Meredith and loving her like one of your own,
• for pulling me out of the pit and always asking me “what is God telling you, Beth?”
• For protecting me from harm and giving me a second chance at life,
• for accepting me for who I am and where I am.
• For being one of my spiritual rocks,
• for knowing me better than I know myself,
• for your encouragement, love, and support through my divorce and the death of my child.
• for sacrificing your own needs for mine.
• For helping me through the hardest times of my life.
• For your prayers, wisdom and discernment.
• and for being a friend that only God could have put in my life.

There are so many more that I would like to thank, but that took a lot of emotional energy. Thank you to all of you for loving me and my babies. Happy Thanksgiving 2009!

Beth

Held

Take delight in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Psalm 37:4-6 (TNIV)

The last few days have been so hard for me. I have this pain in my back that feels like someone is stabbing me. It will not go away and it is wearing on me emotionally. I have a whole new appreciation for those who deal with chronic physical pain. On top of my back issue, I have this whole other pain called, grief. Right now they are both competing for my attention. Maybe they are related.
Yesterday, I was so sad. The tears poured down like rain. I really struggle with trying to act “normal.” Everyday tasks take so much energy for me. Nothing seems easy nor does it run smoothly. Being normal is too much work.
I was given this passage in Psalm 37 last night. Honestly, part of it makes me mad. Verse 4 makes it sound like there is this simple formula we are to follow. If we delight in the Lord, all our prayers will be answered. But, what if you know that you delighted, and the desires of your heart were not given to you? It’s all confusing and mysterious.
As I was contemplating this verse yesterday, I heard one of my favorite songs written by Christa Wells and performed by Natalie Grant, HELD…

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?It's unfair.
[Chorus:]This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

When things seem unclear to me and I wonder “Why?” God always reminds me that He is here holding me. He is the one who carries me through each day. Without Him, I have nothing and am nothing. All I have to do is remain faithful and trust in Him. In verse 5, I love how he says, “…trust in Him, and He will act (NIV).” Trusting God is a daily battle when you have seen the tragedies I have. It isn’t easy to trust when things remain hard and suffering is the norm. But, I know that one day there will be a righteous reward and vindication, God's Word has assured me of that.

Isaiah 61:1

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted. (Isa. 61:1)

Currently, I am doing a study by Beth Moore called “Breaking Free.” Good gracious, it is a real soul wrenching journey through the past present and future. It has spoken to me on so many different levels and even though I would love to be doing some cushy study, I know this is what God wants me to be doing right now. Last night, I read the chapter based around this Isaiah verse. I felt as though the chapter and verse were written just for me. There is a portion where Beth Moore defines the word “broken” in Hebrew. It is Shavar meaning, “to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear in pieces.” As much as I try to avoid focusing on the realities on my world, it remains that this is the condition of my heart. This one word encompasses everything I feel inside the walls of my skin. It is tempting to hide from these emotions and to pretend that I don’t really feel this way. It would be so much easier to just leave behind the experiences I have had and not search for answers…purpose…peace. I want to run as fast as I can and hope these feelings never catch me. Instead, I have chosen to face these feelings, to allow God to put the pieces of my heart back together and to close up all the wounds. Yes, running would be so much easier, but I’ve never run from anything and I won’t start now.

This verse has a twofold meaning for me. According to Isa 61:1, “one of God’s greatest priorities is binding up the broken hearted” (Moore 2000). This is comforting to someone like me and probably to you as well. I have a feeling a lot of you have felt wrecked, crushed and smashed like me. This world is a rough one to live in. There have been times like Job that I have asked God why he brought me into this world if he knew I would suffer like this. I mean, I would have rather never existed then to have experienced the loss of a child and a spiteful divorce. But, the deed was done and I was born and I am happy to say I have experienced joy and satisfaction in this life of mine. Right now though, it is hard to recall them when the pain is so prevalent.

In this verse, Isaiah is referring to Christ of course when he says “me.” However, when I first glanced at it, I saw it as another confirmation of what God is asking me to do with my past and present. Since God created man in his own image (Genesis 1:27, NIV) then I should be striving to bind up the broken hearted too. I truly desire to be there for others who are brokenhearted. As I said in my last post, God is revealing how, when and where I fit into this world and I am encouraged and driven to go through the doors he is opening for me.

I REALLY benefit from the comments you all have been sending me. Tears flood my eyes when strangers as well as friends love on me. I know I would have caved if not for all the words I received on the Carepages website as well as this current site. I want to thank you for motivating me to take some real leaps of faith this year.

Have a great Labor Day weekend,

Beth

Shadows

I try never to cry in front of Tyler. Today this goal was unreachable. We were walking outside to check the mail and stroll by the creek before bath time and I noticed our shadows. It was so cute. Tyler is walking so well now and seeing his little shadow made me smile. It also reminded me that Meredith was missing. It reminded me that she never got the chance to walk on this Earth. I will never see the three shadows that should be there. Then, there is always the tub experience. Tyler plays so wonderfully and loves to get a bath. But, once again, it looks bare as I see only him and not my precious punkin’ in there with him.

I could feel the tears coming. It doesn’t take long. Grief erupts from my soul. My stomach aches with nausea and the groans that follow are painful. I know this grief has to come, as it waits for me until I succumb to it. One day it won’t be so debilitating, but for now it rocks me to the core.

My little Pookie looked at me completely perplexed. Then, his tears came. He cried just like me. He in the tub... me sitting on the edge. We both wept. I kept trying to reassure him that I was okay. I explained to him that I am not hurt on the outside; I just hurt on the inside. He wanted me to hold him and make him feel safe. As I took him in my arms and wrapped him with a fuzzy towel, I was reminded that I feel this way too. And when I ask to be held, I am softly taken into the Father’s arms.

This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held.

Held by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Wells (a dear friend of mine)

Blog Anxiety

Okay, so I am attempting the whole blog thing. I went to a class on "Taking the Blah out of your blog" this weekend and essentially learned I know nothing about the blog world. I cannot keep up with the technology explosion that occurs every week it seems. I've got to stay focused though. This is one of my goals for the next 8 weeks, to create a really interesting and thought provoking blog.

Today was exhausting. My back hurts, heart feels weighted and my mind is all over the place. I'm in that comfortable stage of grief right now- it's called denial and numbness. I look at all the pictures I have around my house of Meredith and I am sad, but I quickly move to the next thing. This usually means that in a few days I will be in complete despair over the loss of my daughter. I want to hold it off, somehow avoid it for just one month of my life. But, I know it is on the horizon whether I like it or not.

I've gone back to teaching part-time and have enjoyed the challenges of my work and the camaraderie of my coworkers. However, it can be hard to act normal all day when what I really want to say is, I am the grieving mother of a baby who was taken from me by cancer. The thing is my coworkers already know this. They walked through much of my journey with me. Some even took days off of work to stay with Tyler for me at the Ronald McDonald House when Mer was at Duke. They don't need me to remind them of my pain. I know they know. They are good to me and I am thankful.

God has given me a lot to think about the last few weeks. Most of all, he continually brings John 11 to my attention. Frankly, I feel like I have heard the story of Lazarus so many times I could repeat it's details to you verbatim. How foolish I was to think that I knew the story of Lazarus and didn't need to hear it another time. When I read the verses again, I felt like Mary. In verse 32 she says the words I sometimes utter in my deepest times of despair, "Lord, if you had been here, my (daughter) would not have died" (my version). The truth is, God was there with me that day Meredith died. He was with me before that moment and since. It is sometimes baffling for me to understand that indeed God was present and he indeed allowed my baby girl to be taken from my arms. But, his reasoning is far beyond my capacity to understand.

I find comfort in verse 4 when Jesus says, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." I can stand before you right now and say that my child didn't die for trivial reasons. Her death has affected all those who fell in love with her during and after her lifetime. Many of you gathered around me since January 17, 2008 and have not only watched God work but have grown to love him more. I know Meredith's life did not end in death. Yes, her physical presence is no longer with us, but as John 11:4 says, her life was created by God and was used so that Jesus may be glorified.

Answers Slowly but Surely

“This is my comfort in my affliction, That Your word has revived me” Psalm 119:50 (NA S B.)
I sit before you with a great sense of excitement and thankfulness while at the same time my eyes are filled with tears of grief and sorrow. I feel so blessed to know Christ and that He has taken me under His wings so tenderly over the past year and a half. I have spent immeasurable hours trying to get an answer to a question that I carry with me every day. I pray for His wisdom and an ounce of understanding, a glimpse of knowledge. I know I will not know the complete answer until I walk into eternity, but while I am on this Earth, I need something to say to others and myself when I am asked, “How do you still believe in God and His Word when you begged, believed and hoped He would miraculously save Meredith from cancer but instead He took her?” I really haven’t been able to respond to this question with anything but, “I don’t know; I just do.” But, I knew that answer would not last long and honestly it is a pathetic answer. Thus, my quest has been to develop another one that actually helps me survive and could potentially help another going through a spiritual, physical, emotional crisis.
I am always amazed at how God always answers our prayers and how if we are listening it is crystal clear and undeniably from Him. I asked my Aunt Beverly and my grandmother (Mama 2) this very question last week and I truly believe God spoke through Beverly plainly and concisely when she said, “We love God because of what He did on the cross for us, not because of what He does for us now. We love Him for WHO He IS not what He DOES.” So I pondered this all week and asked for more clarification, as I am thickheaded and overly analytical at times, and sure enough the message at church was all about this very statement. In Mark 2:1-8, it tells the story of Jesus healing a paralytic in Capernaum. When Jesus saw the faith of the men who brought this man before him to be healed, he said, “Son, your sins are forgiven” (2:5b). Then, in verse 11 he healed the man and said, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” The question proposed was, “why would he make this teaching about forgiveness of sins rather than the physical visible miracle He could and would ultimately perform?” I have to admit; I was totally clueless and could not figure it out. But as Dave continued to plow through God’s Word it was obvious that God knows that our deepest need is not physical, but is our need to be forgiven.
I believe His answer to my question regarding Meredith’s life and death is this, more people will know of God and who He is through Meredith’s short life and her death than if He had kept her on this Earth. He also knew I would worship Him more and truly fulfill my purpose on this Earth, if Meredith was taken to Heaven to reside with Him in His presence. Because of what has occurred over the past year and a half, God has set before me an unimaginable path that is revealed to me each day. He wants me to honor Him, the giver of life and honor Meredith, the daughter who taught me what was most important in life.
Beth

Angels Among Us-April 25,2009

Team "Mer Mer" is a team made up of individuals who have been touched by the short life of Meredith Elisabeth Edwards. Meredith is the daughter of Beth Eastman Edwards. Meredith "Mer Mer" was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma in Jan. 2008 and went to be with the Lord Jesus on April 14, 2008. We are getting a team together to raise money for the Robert Tish Brain Center at Duke University in April 2009. Join our team to honor the precious life of our dearly missed, "Mer Mer."Mer's bio. is now up on the Wall of Honor on the website www.angelsamongus.org; if you look on the right side of the home page you will see the link Wall of Honor- for those of you who have joined the team that never met Meredith I hope that you sense how special she truly was. It is amazing how it was a year ago this month that our journey Mer's illness only began. I went to a Beth Moore Bible Study today and she said that, "you cannot amputate your history from your destiny." Sometimes we wish we could just forget our history- the history of pain, sorrow, and illness- but God uses every situation good or bad to fulfill His purposes. Just know that He is all powerful, all knowing, and always there. He gave us Meredith for a short time and I cannot help but think that her destiny has been fulfilled as she has touched so many lives. Now she is sitting in the lap of the Almighty! Meredith's legacy will live on forever as we work to change the lives of children and their families as we raise money and awareness for pediatric brain cancer.If you are planning to run/walk in the event please register under Mer Mer's Angels as soon as possible. They are encouraging all of us to register early so they can get an idea of how many are going to participate.If you are out of the Raleigh area please note that you can still be a part of our fundraising. A good friend of ours is hosting a Silpada party and all the proceeds will benefit Angels Among Us. She has a website where you can look at the catalog if you are interested in purchasing this jewelry. Thanks for all of your support!
www.mysilpada.com/ashley.marble

Contact Kim Williams with any questions.

kimewilliams@bellsouth.net

Thanks,

Kim Williams