Monday, May 21, 2012
Snake Bait!
“If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God’s riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.” -Oswald Chambers
The month of May has been full of obstacles, heartache and struggle. Every time I take a stab at recovery, it seems unachievable. On May 16th, I read this amazing devotion from Chambers and decided that I would no longer moan about my frustrations, and I would refuse to feel self-pity. On my way to work, I decided that I would embrace my life and settle in. Then I got the call from Tyler’s school that he was bit by something and they had called an ambulance. As I raced out the door and drove 90 miles per hour to get to his school, I prayed and screamed. I was so frightened but completely focused. I’ll never forget seeing that ambulance with my 4 year old in the back. Talk about a flashback. This is the second child I have sat beside in an ambulance. Deep down though-- I wasn’t scared. The worst case scenario was a bad finger not death-- that I could handle. As we burst into the ER and the doctors and nurses hustled and bustled around, I began to lose it. Here I stood next door to the room where Meredith lost consciousness and the question was asked, “Is there any family history of disease?” I began to weep as the question can be answered so easily by other people, but for me the answer is a loaded one. Once I gathered my emotions and became focused again I spent the rest of the day watching Ty get anti-venom and watching his hand swell and turn black and blue. I didn’t feel fear though, just disbelief. That self-pity creeped in quickly. Good gracious, whose kid gets bit by a copperhead at preschool? Can’t I catch a break? Can’t I just have a normal day without a crisis of some kind?
After an overnight, we anticipated a good report as Tyler seemed like he was fine, and most kids recover without more intense treatment. Tyler’s doctor was on the fence, but let us go anyway. I spent the night watching Tyler’s hand closely, keeping it propped up, and trying not to freak out. The doctor said it would get bigger and uglier so not to be afraid. So, Tyler and I gallivanted around, ran errands and visited his school to ease his little friend’s hearts the next day. As we did “show and tell” with his finger, I noticed it getting bigger and uglier. I tried to not overact, but when all the adults in the room urged me to go back to the hospital I knew I had to go. The thought of returning there was agonizing, but it was the right thing to do. When Tyler asked me if his finger was going to “displode,” I knew it was time for us to go back to the hospital.
Back in the ER, Tyler and I spent 4 hours waiting, talking, waiting, and playing. His finger continued to get bigger, fatter and more gruesome. The fatigue and frustration set in. I tried really hard to keep my cool. But, when the orthopedic surgeon resident came in for the third time and a decision had yet been made, I prepared my “I know how the hospital system works” speech. In the most Christ-like and loving tone, I explained that I lived in a hospital for 3 months and knew that the only way to get something accomplished was to freak out, and I would rather not do that, so I needed them to make a decision promptly and let me know. The response—2 surgeons, 2 ER doctors and about 6 other medical attendants—mission accomplished. Within an hour, surgery was scheduled and executed.
A series of other events occurred that scared me out of my mind, but as I look back, I just laugh. I faced a lot of fears that day. I also had a lot of questions rolling around in my head. I know that God uses all things for His glory, but this crisis was by far a stretch for me to comprehend. I kept coming back to the image that God gave me during one of my quiet times. It was of me being an arrow and God being the Archer. The archer stretches the bow and pulls on his arrow until it is so tight and cannot be stretched one more inch. The archer decides when it is precisely positioned to hit the target and only he knows the perfect moment to let go and shoot the arrow. I know I feel like that arrow sometimes. Being held so tightly is tough and excruciating but we are held there because God is pointing His arrow straight to His purpose. When I think about how hard things are, I remember this image. It is comforting to know that He has a plan for me, even when life bites!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Trust in the Lord
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
(Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV).
I remember God giving me these verses at a crucial time in my life over ten years ago. It was my junior year in college and I was preparing to take a test that would either keep me in my teaching program or cause me to choose a different line of work. I remember how I recited this verse over and over as I studied. This was the first time in my life I remember really struggling through something. My future seemed hinged upon this one test. I was at the mercy of God. I knew my brain could not absorb any more than I had put in it. I needed God to do it for me.
As I think back through my experience with the math portion of the Praxis, I remember how hard I worked, long I prayed and how desperate I was for God to help me pass. The result—I passed by one point. Yes, God brought me through by the skin of my teeth, but HE was faithful.
I’ve been at God’s mercy many times since then. My future has felt uncertain even when I believed I was in God’s will. It can be so difficult to stay faithful and obedient during the hard times. Focusing on the big picture can seem daunting when the little things don’t seem to make sense.
As my first real adult obstacle came back to my mind, I realized this was practice—a small act of faith and obedience. Giving up my daughter to God and still following Him has been my greatest test of faith. Now, as I face more trials, I know that obeying God is worth it. Trusting God during trials is difficult and victory does not come easy-- there is always a lot of wrestling, tears and submitting to Him. God is creative in the way He has brought me to the finish line, but He always gets me there for He is forever faithful.
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
(Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV).
I remember God giving me these verses at a crucial time in my life over ten years ago. It was my junior year in college and I was preparing to take a test that would either keep me in my teaching program or cause me to choose a different line of work. I remember how I recited this verse over and over as I studied. This was the first time in my life I remember really struggling through something. My future seemed hinged upon this one test. I was at the mercy of God. I knew my brain could not absorb any more than I had put in it. I needed God to do it for me.
As I think back through my experience with the math portion of the Praxis, I remember how hard I worked, long I prayed and how desperate I was for God to help me pass. The result—I passed by one point. Yes, God brought me through by the skin of my teeth, but HE was faithful.
I’ve been at God’s mercy many times since then. My future has felt uncertain even when I believed I was in God’s will. It can be so difficult to stay faithful and obedient during the hard times. Focusing on the big picture can seem daunting when the little things don’t seem to make sense.
As my first real adult obstacle came back to my mind, I realized this was practice—a small act of faith and obedience. Giving up my daughter to God and still following Him has been my greatest test of faith. Now, as I face more trials, I know that obeying God is worth it. Trusting God during trials is difficult and victory does not come easy-- there is always a lot of wrestling, tears and submitting to Him. God is creative in the way He has brought me to the finish line, but He always gets me there for He is forever faithful.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Fundraiser and Book Signing- March 10th
Raise money for Mer Mer's Angels by attending the Spring Festival on Saturday,
Mar 10th and Garden Supply Co in Cary. Plus, shop early for the best selection of spring plants. All money from hotdog sales will go to fight pediatric brain cancer.
I'll be selling and singning books from 10:30-12.
http://gardensupplyco.com/
Mar 10th and Garden Supply Co in Cary. Plus, shop early for the best selection of spring plants. All money from hotdog sales will go to fight pediatric brain cancer.
I'll be selling and singning books from 10:30-12.
http://gardensupplyco.com/
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Burdens
"Cast your burden on the LORD,and he will sustain you; he will never permit
the righteous to be moved."Psalm 55:22
God has been so gracious to me this week. My heart has been heavy with the burdens of others. When you have a story like mine, hurting people gravitate to me. It is one of those privileges that God has given me—to listen and encourage those who are struggling with their lot. Each time I sit with an individual who needs someone who understands hardship, I am baffled at how God uses me. I have to chuckle at how God can bring about His purposes in the midst of the craziest circumstances.
Sunday night I had set up a meeting and play date with another woman who is currently going through tremendous difficulty. I had the evening all planned out. She would come over, our boys would play, we would talk and problems would be solved. It started off great. The boys began to play with a firetruck, I got beverages and then my cell phone rang. I almost ignored it. This was my time with this hurting woman. She needed me. I looked down and saw Bryan was calling. I decided to answer. Well, long story short, Bryan’s battery had died and he had left the keys in the ignition. There was no way to pop the hood without me driving to Raleigh to open the car door first. On top of that, my step son was waiting at youth group to be picked up and no one could reach him to tell him we were dealing with the car situation. So, my new friend (who I am supposed to be helping), her son, my son, and myself hopped in the car to drive to Raleigh. Oh, I forgot to mention, my new friend is 38 weeks pregnant.
After moving car seats and dragging everyone to the car, we started our journey. The kids chatted and I problem-solved. Suddenly, Tyler says, “Mom, I pooped in my pants.” Of course, I didn’t bring any clothes to change him into! I was utterly embarrassed. What mother doesn’t bring a change of clothes? What 4 year old poops in his pants in a crisis? Ugh, I shuttered with embarrassment but laughed it off. What else do you do? Once we made our pickups, I wrapped Tyler in a jacket (in which he found it humorous to flash everyone in the car on the way home) and we made the trip back home. I could not believe that my plans of having one-on-one focused time were thwarted by all these crazy circumstances. By the time it was all over, it was time for my friend to leave and all I had done was drag a very pregnant girl and her son all over town. After she left, I felt awful. I didn’t even help this poor girl and she drove all the way to Wake Forest to meet with me. As I began to complain, Bryan said, “Beth, it is good for people to see that your life is not perfect.” Gosh, he is so wise.
In the end, God accomplished through those events just what my friend needed. Her e-mail to me the next day thanked me for my time and for the adventure. She also said it was good to see me so happy. I laughed hysterically. But, she saw the real me and my real life. She witnessed a new life that God gave to me when my old one was stripped away. She saw that I am not perfect, and that my life is wild sometimes. She saw me laughing. That is what she needed that day, not my ideas and thoughts on how to cope with her circumstances.
God taught me something very special that day. God doesn’t bring hurting people in my life for me to fix them. He asks me to lead individuals to Him and to take the burdens I feel , and cast them upon Him. My purpose is to love on, encourage and strengthen my sisters. I am merely a vessel that God uses to accomplish His purposes. It is an honor to be used by Him, even in the midst of chaos.
the righteous to be moved."Psalm 55:22
God has been so gracious to me this week. My heart has been heavy with the burdens of others. When you have a story like mine, hurting people gravitate to me. It is one of those privileges that God has given me—to listen and encourage those who are struggling with their lot. Each time I sit with an individual who needs someone who understands hardship, I am baffled at how God uses me. I have to chuckle at how God can bring about His purposes in the midst of the craziest circumstances.
Sunday night I had set up a meeting and play date with another woman who is currently going through tremendous difficulty. I had the evening all planned out. She would come over, our boys would play, we would talk and problems would be solved. It started off great. The boys began to play with a firetruck, I got beverages and then my cell phone rang. I almost ignored it. This was my time with this hurting woman. She needed me. I looked down and saw Bryan was calling. I decided to answer. Well, long story short, Bryan’s battery had died and he had left the keys in the ignition. There was no way to pop the hood without me driving to Raleigh to open the car door first. On top of that, my step son was waiting at youth group to be picked up and no one could reach him to tell him we were dealing with the car situation. So, my new friend (who I am supposed to be helping), her son, my son, and myself hopped in the car to drive to Raleigh. Oh, I forgot to mention, my new friend is 38 weeks pregnant.
After moving car seats and dragging everyone to the car, we started our journey. The kids chatted and I problem-solved. Suddenly, Tyler says, “Mom, I pooped in my pants.” Of course, I didn’t bring any clothes to change him into! I was utterly embarrassed. What mother doesn’t bring a change of clothes? What 4 year old poops in his pants in a crisis? Ugh, I shuttered with embarrassment but laughed it off. What else do you do? Once we made our pickups, I wrapped Tyler in a jacket (in which he found it humorous to flash everyone in the car on the way home) and we made the trip back home. I could not believe that my plans of having one-on-one focused time were thwarted by all these crazy circumstances. By the time it was all over, it was time for my friend to leave and all I had done was drag a very pregnant girl and her son all over town. After she left, I felt awful. I didn’t even help this poor girl and she drove all the way to Wake Forest to meet with me. As I began to complain, Bryan said, “Beth, it is good for people to see that your life is not perfect.” Gosh, he is so wise.
In the end, God accomplished through those events just what my friend needed. Her e-mail to me the next day thanked me for my time and for the adventure. She also said it was good to see me so happy. I laughed hysterically. But, she saw the real me and my real life. She witnessed a new life that God gave to me when my old one was stripped away. She saw that I am not perfect, and that my life is wild sometimes. She saw me laughing. That is what she needed that day, not my ideas and thoughts on how to cope with her circumstances.
God taught me something very special that day. God doesn’t bring hurting people in my life for me to fix them. He asks me to lead individuals to Him and to take the burdens I feel , and cast them upon Him. My purpose is to love on, encourage and strengthen my sisters. I am merely a vessel that God uses to accomplish His purposes. It is an honor to be used by Him, even in the midst of chaos.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Relief
If we turn away from the gloom, and take up the tasks and duties to which God called us, the light will come again, and we shall grow stronger.” (J.R. Miller).
Making it through this week is always a test of my strength. I was delighted that I got to spend time celebrating Tyler’s birthday this year. Each year, my joy strengthens and I get “better.” On Tyler’s birthday, I was retelling his birth story to a co-worker. I was explaining to her what a relief it was to give birth to him. The timing seemed terrible as Meredith was scheduled for an MRI, I was at Wake Med and she was at Duke. During his labor, I screamed so much and so loud that I know people could hear me in another city. The screaming was partly due to natural childbirth, but mostly it was a way to express my emotional pain. When Mer’s diagnosis came, I had to maintain control to not aggravate my preterm labor situation. Once Tyler was out and safe, everything came out. It was such a relief.
After putting Tyler to bed that night, I began to reflect on all the ways that Tyler has been a relief in my life. During my deep grief, I would look at Tyler and smile. When I have feel absolutely torn and confused, I look at this special boy and I feel relief. What a gift God gave me through his birth and life.
As I transitioned to Mer’s birthday the very next day, I felt strong and focused. I was actually somewhat relieved that this year I was in a better place emotionally. However, that all changed with the blink of an eye. As soon as I got in the car, I began to weep. I cannot explain the pain I felt. All I know is that there was no stopping the tears. Not being able to celebrate Mer’s 5th birthday with her literally breaks my heart. I honestly feel physical pain in my soul. It is a horrible thing to experience. The pain is excruciating. But, I survived the day and was encouraged by my devotion by J.R. Miller, “The joy set before us should shine upon our grief as the sun shines through the clouds, glorifying them. God has so ordered that in pressing on in duty, we shall find the truest, richest comfort for ourselves.” I do believe this to be true. After my tears were shed, God gently reminded me that my perseverance and willingness to follow Him will result in great joy, strength and pleasure. My marks of suffering have made me a better person, a more understanding friend, a better mother and a grateful woman.
(Tyler letting off a princess balloon for Meredith's birthday)
Making it through this week is always a test of my strength. I was delighted that I got to spend time celebrating Tyler’s birthday this year. Each year, my joy strengthens and I get “better.” On Tyler’s birthday, I was retelling his birth story to a co-worker. I was explaining to her what a relief it was to give birth to him. The timing seemed terrible as Meredith was scheduled for an MRI, I was at Wake Med and she was at Duke. During his labor, I screamed so much and so loud that I know people could hear me in another city. The screaming was partly due to natural childbirth, but mostly it was a way to express my emotional pain. When Mer’s diagnosis came, I had to maintain control to not aggravate my preterm labor situation. Once Tyler was out and safe, everything came out. It was such a relief.
After putting Tyler to bed that night, I began to reflect on all the ways that Tyler has been a relief in my life. During my deep grief, I would look at Tyler and smile. When I have feel absolutely torn and confused, I look at this special boy and I feel relief. What a gift God gave me through his birth and life.
As I transitioned to Mer’s birthday the very next day, I felt strong and focused. I was actually somewhat relieved that this year I was in a better place emotionally. However, that all changed with the blink of an eye. As soon as I got in the car, I began to weep. I cannot explain the pain I felt. All I know is that there was no stopping the tears. Not being able to celebrate Mer’s 5th birthday with her literally breaks my heart. I honestly feel physical pain in my soul. It is a horrible thing to experience. The pain is excruciating. But, I survived the day and was encouraged by my devotion by J.R. Miller, “The joy set before us should shine upon our grief as the sun shines through the clouds, glorifying them. God has so ordered that in pressing on in duty, we shall find the truest, richest comfort for ourselves.” I do believe this to be true. After my tears were shed, God gently reminded me that my perseverance and willingness to follow Him will result in great joy, strength and pleasure. My marks of suffering have made me a better person, a more understanding friend, a better mother and a grateful woman.
(Tyler letting off a princess balloon for Meredith's birthday)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Crossroads Talk
Go to raleigh.cbsclass.org
and listen to the opening on Lesson 19: God Reaches Out to Jacob (Genesis 27–28) to hear my talk. Give me grace as I was recovering from the Norovirus. Whew, God gives us strength to do what He has called us to do...that is for sure.
and listen to the opening on Lesson 19: God Reaches Out to Jacob (Genesis 27–28) to hear my talk. Give me grace as I was recovering from the Norovirus. Whew, God gives us strength to do what He has called us to do...that is for sure.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Revelations
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”(Isaiah 55:8)
It has been so good to be back in a Bible study! Of course, I joined one on Revelation, which is overwhelming and super hard to comprehend, but I already received many revelations through the first 5 chapters. One of the things God convicted me of is my outlook on life. I have gotten into the habit of expecting hardships and obstacles. This has been a great disservice to God considering how many blessings I have received! My new goal is look at my life as an adventure. Instead of worrying, planning and trying to figure out all the details of my life, I am going to try to embrace the changes and challenges that come my way. I keep having to remind myself that it is not my job to figure everything out. God has already done it. It’s time for me to wait on and welcome God’s surprises.
Another revelation I have received is I need to surrender. Yes, if you read my blog, you might remember that I talk about surrendering all the time. Well, I have yet to master this monumental request. It is battle for me. Recently, God showed me again how surrendering results in freedom! I have been stressing and praying about a very important decision. I was hitting roadblock after roadblock. It was so frustrating! Yesterday, I held out my hands to the Lord and said, “I give you…” Today, the solution came. It wasn’t just a good solution, it was a great one. God is so good to answer my prayers. Maybe not exactly how I want them to be answered, but his ways are by far the best!
It has been so good to be back in a Bible study! Of course, I joined one on Revelation, which is overwhelming and super hard to comprehend, but I already received many revelations through the first 5 chapters. One of the things God convicted me of is my outlook on life. I have gotten into the habit of expecting hardships and obstacles. This has been a great disservice to God considering how many blessings I have received! My new goal is look at my life as an adventure. Instead of worrying, planning and trying to figure out all the details of my life, I am going to try to embrace the changes and challenges that come my way. I keep having to remind myself that it is not my job to figure everything out. God has already done it. It’s time for me to wait on and welcome God’s surprises.
Another revelation I have received is I need to surrender. Yes, if you read my blog, you might remember that I talk about surrendering all the time. Well, I have yet to master this monumental request. It is battle for me. Recently, God showed me again how surrendering results in freedom! I have been stressing and praying about a very important decision. I was hitting roadblock after roadblock. It was so frustrating! Yesterday, I held out my hands to the Lord and said, “I give you…” Today, the solution came. It wasn’t just a good solution, it was a great one. God is so good to answer my prayers. Maybe not exactly how I want them to be answered, but his ways are by far the best!
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