My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death..." Mark 14:34 (NLT)In this scene, Mark describes Jesus' intense anguish as He contemplates the next step in His earthly journey...death on a cross.
I know our journeys are vastly different as Jesus if the son of God and I am just a human full of sin and flaws, but as I read this verse in Mark, I feel as though we have shared the same emotions. I am crushed with grief over the death of my daughter. If I rated my despair on a scale of 1-10 it would be a 100. As Meredith’s death anniversary approaches, I am living in a state of shock and denial. I am going through every moment of the end looking at my baby and myself as an observer. I feel bad for those people, that Mother who would have given anything for the news to be different. I look at her on the floor kicking, hitting and screaming when the news was delivered that her daughter was going to die. That her prayers did not work. That her love alone would not save the child that gave her true purpose on this Earth. I want to console her, and hold her, but all I can do is stare. Her family and friends are there to rock her and cry with her. They are there to say nothing but just to hold her tight. No, God did not abandon this woman and her child. Yes, it looks like He did and it feels that way too, but it is not true.
I battle these thoughts on a daily basis. I feel so blessed…I have an amazing family who would do anything for me, I was given another child who does nothing but put massive smiles on my face every minute I gaze at him, I have stuff and friends, everything I need. But, the one person that I do not have to hold and kiss, put to bed at night and to watch grow, is my baby girl. Not having her makes me feel abandoned, I guess it feels like when I really needed God, He didn’t come through. I am angry. I am disappointed, but most of all I am confused. I don’t want to question God. I don’t want to feel ungrateful for what I do have because the one thing I ever wanted was taken away from me. But, I do feel this way. The fact is, I want to change the way my baby’s story ended. I want her back.
I am reminded what my life was like at this moment last year. The sweet and peaceful memories are overpowered by the deep despair and shock of what was actually happening. You sit around and wait for the worst and deep down you know you won’t live through it. It just can’t be possible to continue on while you precious child is dying. But, you do make it through minute by minute and through the heartache and suffering there is the joy of knowing that your baby will no longer feel pain, will never be crushed by grief, will never see another tear stream down her Mommy’s face. When your baby is taken out of your care and gently placed into the Father’s hands, you are relieved that she is finally okay. Thus, you start your journey changed, incomplete, and transparent. Each day your faith becomes your lifeline, the very thing that keeps you alive.I am amazed that I have lived this long. Each morning I awake and wonder how I have made it through the night. I am merely hanging on to every one of God’s promises. I have to make a choice each day, “Do I whole heartedly believe God’s Word to be true and keep walking this path or is it all a lie and I just give up?” My choice is to keep believing, to keep crying out to the Lord to get me through this suffering, to keep praying for Him to finish His good work through me so that one day I can join John in saying, “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4 (NIV)
Beth
