Heritage

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 (New King James Version)

Last year for Mother’s Day, my girlfriends took me on a beautiful and unforgettable cruise to the Caribbean. I was absolutely taken by the water, the fun all around me and the loyalty and commitment of my friends. It was a great experience and a much needed time of “make believe.” Honestly, I can hardly fathom that it has almost been a year since that trip. I remember how broken I was. I recall feeling like I would never feel anything but pain. Today I am thankful to say that on this Mother’s Day, I don’t have to be in a fantasy world to make it through. I can actually see myself living a purposeful life. The glimmer of hope I had has turned into a reality.

By God's grace, I have broken free from so many things this year. It has been a time of tremendous healing and ultimate freedom. The guilt, shame and pain I have felt surrounding all the events that have taken place in my life have been truly taken from me. I am a different person in so many ways. Through the years, I have wondered why God allowed all of my struggles to have taken place at one time. I wondered what purpose He had in allowing my daughter to get sick, my marriage to fall apart and in that mix, He gave me a new baby. Those occurrences seemed almost too much to bear. But, as I look back, each happening occurred to open my eyes to the truth about my life. If they all hadn’t happened simultaneously, I would not be in the safe and freeing place I am today. So, even though the events that took place were unbearable and horrific, they were all necessary.

Even though healing has taken place in my life, and many chains have been broken, the memories of where I have been still bring me to my knees. It is freeing to feel less pain on a continual basis when I think of Meredith’s death. But, when the memories surface and I remember the loss my soul is crushed. Being 2 years out from Meredith’s death is conflicting. On one hand, I am so grateful for the healing and progress. On the other hand, I am still overwhelmed and shocked by losing her. I am thankful for the time God has put between Mer’s death and the present, while at the same time, devastated that it has been so long since I have touched her.

On this Mother’s Day, God gave me Psalm 127:3, so I have spent the day exploring the word “heritage.” I know that Meredith’s life left a mark on humanity. God’s creation of her and his taking her were not mistakes. “God is sovereign and what He does is perfect. It doesn’t look perfect, but He’s over all and there are no accidents.” (Kay Arthur). Meredith left her own legacy, one that makes me proud to have been her Mom. What a reward it was for me to have Meredith for as long as I did. She was so amazing, and she brought me so much joy. Now that she is gone, I feel God wants me to continue to share her legacy with those of you who never knew her.

I’ve also pondered what my legacy is thus far. If my time ended at this moment, what would people say about me? Sure, I want people to say nice things, but what I really desire is to remembered as a survivor; an example, of living through your worst nightmare, by living for the Lord. I want people to know that you can lose almost everything, deemed important in this world, but can be held together and made whole again through Christ. I don’t really know what my legacy will look like in the end, but God has commanded me to expect Him to do greater things than He has ever done before.

My little man...a true Mother's Day Miracle!

Your Mercy Made Her Whole

It has quite some time since I have blogged. This month has been full of deep thought, anticipatory grief, numbness and physical training. Making it through December, January, February, March and April is always a miracle and a huge relief. I was absolutely floored by the outpouring of love and prayers I received on Meredith’s death anniversary. My coworkers let me off work to reflect and rest at the beach with the most AMAZING group of women and two toddlers, I received approximately 40 emails/texts/FB messages, and had care packages and flowers sent to my home. My family and I are SO loved and I want you to know how much it means to me. I do not take you for granted. I am incredibly humbled and thankful for your support.

Meredith’s death anniversary was so different this year. I still felt numb, but there was a peace in my soul and a confidence that I could live through this day of painful remembrance. I have heard numerous times that getting to the two year mark is a huge success as a bereaved parent. It can also be a sobering and reflective time. The reality that my child is gone is absolutely undeniable. The finality is crystal clear.

On the day of Meredith’s death, I went for a run on the beach. It was brisk and windy and I had the entire beach to myself. I was listening to Mercy by Casting Crowns and was drawn to the chorus...

Your mercy saved me

Mercy made me whole

Your mercy found me

Called me as Your own

It made me think of Meredith and how God’s mercy did save her and by Him taking her to Heaven she was made whole. I know that if she had remained on this Earth, I could have never made her “whole.” She would have suffered greatly. The cancer did so much damage to her in such a short amount of time and deep down, I know that God gave her the best life she could have. I am grateful for His mercy and for making her His own.

I look forward to the day that I am made whole. What God did for Meredith inspires me to keep moving forward. I don’t want to waste one more moment on frivolous and meaningless things. What God did for Meredith makes me proud to be called one of His Own.

A Prayer By Beth Moore...

My child, Beth, I loved you before you were born. I knew what your first and last words would be. I knew every difficulty you would face. I suffered each one with you. Even the ones you didn't suffer with Me. I had a plan for your life before you were born. The plan has not changed, Beth, no matter what has happened or what you have done. You see, I already knew all things concerning you before I formed you. I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity, Beth. Will you let Me? Your truth is incomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of my Truth. Your story will forever remain half-finished...until you let Me do My half with your hurt. Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain,

Your Faithful Father

An excerpt by Beth Moore out of "Breaking Free"

God's Timing is Impeccable

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7, NIV)

I am in awe over God’s timing. I am thankful I have waited on him for the last year and a half. In the past, I have often guided the hands of the Lord. I definitely tried to be patient while looking for the right spouse, the right job, etc… but I have never waited on the Lord with such anticipation and obedience as I have since I lost nearly everything of value in my life. When everything is stripped from you, (whether it is a loved one, a house and its contents or your sense of security)you either freak out and run around trying to rebuild the mess you have been left with yourself, or you WAIT for God to rebuild. I’m almost embarrassed to say that it took losing it all for me to give complete control over to God. I pray that people never experience this kind of suffering, but I will say giving everything to the Lord has given me back the security I yearned for all these years.

I often think of the timing of my son’s birth as one of the most amazing episodes in my life. Here I was, pregnant, separated from my husband and watching my daughter suffer from cancer. In my opinion, this was not the time to have a baby. But, God had his own ideas on when and why Tyler was to be born. As I reflect on his perfect timing, I am grateful God is in control and not me.

On Feb 15, 2008, My Mom, grandmother, and I were in the hotel (across from Duke) sleeping. My Aunt Joyce Lynne arrived around 1:30 am from Roanoke. My alarm went off to get me to take my Nifedipine (a medicine to stop contractions). I went to the restroom, sat back down on the bed and felt a gush of water. I yelled, "Oh my gosh! My water just broke." Joyce Lynne jumped up and said, "Okay, let's go have a baby." She went and got the car and we all piled in. Meredith was scheduled for surgery at 8:00am to get a shunt and a port for chemotherapy. This was not a good time for a birth we agreed.

We all chuckled as we drove 45 minutes from Duke Hospital in Durham to Wake Medical in Raleigh. I think we were just laughing at the outlandish circumstances. Plus, we were right across from a hospital but I had to go to Wake Medical. One thing was for sure, I had to have a VBAC. There was no time to recover from another C-Section. As we drove to Raleigh my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. Mom was eating organic Oreos from Whole Foods in the backseat while I was starving. I knew I was not going to get anything to eat for a long time, so I was convincing Joyce Lynne to go to Bojangles to get me a biscuit. Mom kept saying, "You cannot eat before labor!" So, we bypassed the food idea and went straight to the hospital. Mom and I got to the Triage room; they checked me and said I was 6 cm at 2:45. At that point my contractions were picking up and my OB and the L & D nurse arrived to ask if I wanted an Epidural. I was undecided because the pains were not that bad right then, so I looked at Mom and she said, "You are doing fine." The nurse agreed that she didn't think it was going to be long before I had Tyler, and she concurred that I was doing great without drugs. I was like, "what the heck, let's do it." So we were off to the delivery room where Mama 2 and Joyce Lynne were waiting for us.
I was in some pain, but it wasn't unbearable. That didn't last long because I quickly got to 8cm and then it all went south. My contractions were coming every three minutes. Mom was right by my side trying to get me to breathe but I just couldn't get it together. As I transitioned, I started to scream and mom said, "Why are you screaming? Does it hurt? It's not supposed to hurt; it is supposed to feel good to push." I nearly killed her.
I could see Joyce Lynne in the background cheering and Mama 2 praying (eyes tightly closed) in the chair. I pushed 5 times and Tyler arrived into this world! He weighed 6.5 and was 19 inches. He was adorable but he looked like he had red skin…probably all those drugs I was taking to resist having panic attacks.

The next day was Meredith's first birthday, so after the birth and some rest time, I was off to Duke to see my baby girl. Mike and Kim (my sister and brother-in-law) came to Wake Medical to be with Tyler. Kim laid in the bed and held Tyler while I was gone. She loved having a new baby without giving birth. And, so that was the beginning of my little boy’s life. He was flexible and eager to see the world from the very start.

I could never figure out exactly why God felt it necessary to bring Tyler in the world at that moment. There was so much going on. My daughter was getting prepared for surgery and her present condition was poor. Yet, God knew exactly what would be happening in her life, and that it was time for him to bring me some joy in the midst of so much pain and stress. That has been what Tyler has been to me. I feel true joy and deep gratefulness when I look at him. He has taught me to trust, to love and to hope again. What a gift God gave me at the perfect time and in the most perfect way.

"Keep going Mommy, you can do it!"

My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death..." Mark 14:34 (NLT)In this scene, Mark describes Jesus' intense anguish as He contemplates the next step in His earthly journey...death on a cross.

I know our journeys are vastly different as Jesus if the son of God and I am just a human full of sin and flaws, but as I read this verse in Mark, I feel as though we have shared the same emotions. I am crushed with grief over the death of my daughter. If I rated my despair on a scale of 1-10 it would be a 100. As Meredith’s death anniversary approaches, I am living in a state of shock and denial. I am going through every moment of the end looking at my baby and myself as an observer. I feel bad for those people, that Mother who would have given anything for the news to be different. I look at her on the floor kicking, hitting and screaming when the news was delivered that her daughter was going to die. That her prayers did not work. That her love alone would not save the child that gave her true purpose on this Earth. I want to console her, and hold her, but all I can do is stare. Her family and friends are there to rock her and cry with her. They are there to say nothing but just to hold her tight. No, God did not abandon this woman and her child. Yes, it looks like He did and it feels that way too, but it is not true.
I battle these thoughts on a daily basis. I feel so blessed…I have an amazing family who would do anything for me, I was given another child who does nothing but put massive smiles on my face every minute I gaze at him, I have stuff and friends, everything I need. But, the one person that I do not have to hold and kiss, put to bed at night and to watch grow, is my baby girl. Not having her makes me feel abandoned, I guess it feels like when I really needed God, He didn’t come through. I am angry. I am disappointed, but most of all I am confused. I don’t want to question God. I don’t want to feel ungrateful for what I do have because the one thing I ever wanted was taken away from me. But, I do feel this way. The fact is, I want to change the way my baby’s story ended. I want her back.

I am reminded what my life was like at this moment last year. The sweet and peaceful memories are overpowered by the deep despair and shock of what was actually happening. You sit around and wait for the worst and deep down you know you won’t live through it. It just can’t be possible to continue on while you precious child is dying. But, you do make it through minute by minute and through the heartache and suffering there is the joy of knowing that your baby will no longer feel pain, will never be crushed by grief, will never see another tear stream down her Mommy’s face. When your baby is taken out of your care and gently placed into the Father’s hands, you are relieved that she is finally okay. Thus, you start your journey changed, incomplete, and transparent. Each day your faith becomes your lifeline, the very thing that keeps you alive.I am amazed that I have lived this long. Each morning I awake and wonder how I have made it through the night. I am merely hanging on to every one of God’s promises. I have to make a choice each day, “Do I whole heartedly believe God’s Word to be true and keep walking this path or is it all a lie and I just give up?” My choice is to keep believing, to keep crying out to the Lord to get me through this suffering, to keep praying for Him to finish His good work through me so that one day I can join John in saying, “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4 (NIV)
Beth

Missing Mer but Thankful for God's Grace

Each morning I wake up to the same thing…my son cuing and screeching. It is a lovely way to start off my day. The next thing that happens is I peek through the cracked door and give him a big smile. He reciprocates by jumping up and down on his bottom (he refuses to stand up or walk right now) and giggles. Then, I walk toward him and he shows me his little vibrating bug and monkey toy. We smile and are off to the highchair. I try to take time to cherish these moments. I spend so much time grieving over Meredith and dealing with the hardships of my divorce that I often do not focus on God’s precious gift in the midst of all this sadness, my handsome and well behaved son, Ty Ty. He has been so wonderful to me. He is the perfect child and I love being his mother. I was listening to another woman who lost her child and she said something very moving, she was talking about the pain she felt over the loss of her youngest child, but at the same time she was rejoicing at celebrating her middle daughter’s upcoming wedding. She said something like, “I am thankful that I am able to still give to my living daughter what I can no longer give to my dead one.” You might think this is a weird thought to have while picking out your daughter’s wedding dress, but this is a reality of the people in my world. We are ecstatic to be able to do for our living child, but the throbbing never subsides of what we are unable to do for the child we had to give back to God. It is a strange feeling to be totally filled with joy over one child while the loss of your other child burns within your heart so deeply that some days you think you might turn in to a pile of ashes.
I struggle daily to hold on during this time. I have one month and one day to go till I have to face the very moment my baby took her last breath. The day sits and waits for me like a predator lingering for its’ prey, and all I can do is prepare to face it with all my might. Sometimes the darkness of my situation almost overcomes me. I dream of having an easier journey. I yearn to turn back time and figure out how to avoid this path. I question God’s goodness, His promises. I want answers but I know those answers would never be good enough. I am like a palm tree thrashing back and forth in a hurricane. I love God and know He is good, but then I can’t believe a good God would not save my baby from this cancer. I have faith that I will survive this journey, but why was there not more protection from its elements? My thoughts sway back and forth uncontrollably and weigh on my heart and mind continuously.While I was in church last week, I was prompted to read a devotion that was nestled so appropriately in the midst of the passage we were studying. I was excited to see the last name of its author, ten Boom. I noticed as I reread the Carepage from this day last year, that I included a Corrie ten Boom quote in my entry. I am always blown away to see how God uses those who have suffered the most to encourage and inspire me and He is so precise in His timing. To my surprise, this entry was written by Corrie’s sister, and it reads like this, “The most important part of our task will be to tell everyone who will listen that Jesus is the only answer to the problems that are disturbing the hearts of men and nations. We shall have the right to speak because we can tell from our experience that his light is more powerful than the deepest darkness…How wonderful that the reality of his presence is greater than the reality of the hell about us.”-Betsie ten Boom.
I too have the right to speak because of my experience, I have been through hell and have faced insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities this year and what God has revealed to me over and over is just what Betsie stated above, JESUS, who is... King of Kings (Rev 17:14) Strength to the needy in distress (Isa 25:4), A Refuge from the Storm (Isa 25:4), My Rock and my Fortress (Psa 31:3), The Rock of my Strength (Psa 62:7), and the Lord both of the dead and the living (Rom 14:9).
Beth

The Hard Journey Goes On...

Today Tyler is 11 months old and Meredith would be one month shy of two years old. I cannot believe that Tyler will be one year old next month. Sometimes I don’t know where the time goes while other times a day feels like an eternity. We’ve had a rough year, Tyler and I. He was such a trooper though. He’s known all along exactly how much I can handle and is always there when I need him. There are so many times when I have wanted to give up, but one look at those blue eyes and his fuzzy hair and I knew it was not an option. He needs me and he provides me with so much joy in the midst of unbearable pain.A year ago, yesterday, was the day that my precious little one began getting sick. We all thought it was just the flu- I was worried, but not alarmed. Little did I know that January 14, 2007 would be the beginning of her battle with Medulloblastoma. I will never forget when I was discharged from the hospital after my preterm labor scare and before her diagnosis, how sick my little Meredith was. My Mom and I had been holding her constantly and I was getting ready to go to an appointment. I was in a rush and I put Meredith down on the floor and she tried to crawl but cried instead. She was so weak, probably scared and all she wanted was her Mommy to hold her. I remember being frustrated and saying, “Come on Mer, you can crawl!” I hate that memory. No, I had no idea she was so sick and it wasn’t like I was neglecting her, but I hate that memory. I just wish I never failed her. I wish I had picked her up immediately. If only I could pick her up now I would be ecstatic. I wanted so badly for her to be healed on this Earth. I am mad that this is my life. I don’t want to be the one who has lost a child. I don’t want to live for the next 50 years with this kind of piercing pain. I yearned for a miracle and although God gave Mer the greatest gift of all, I want her to be back in my arms.I have been so sad lately. I mean the type of sadness that makes you feel like a fake. I can tend to my son, help out friends, go on job interviews and look “normal.” However, on the inside, I ache all over. I feel like I have arthritis of the soul. I started the new Bible Study from Beth Moore on Esther this week. I absolutely love Beth…she makes studying the Bible exciting and inviting. She said something pertaining to God’s miracles that went a little like this,
Sometimes the miracles we are looking for from God are not the ones we are expecting. “It can be when He enables us to do what we know we cannot do, that is the real miracle."
So many of you ask or wonder how I have made it through all of these losses. Well, I believe Beth Moore encompassed it all with that response. HE enables me to do what I cannot do by myself. Without God, I would be so worthless, troubled and most of all useless. His power in my weakness has brought me through these raging waters and I thank Him that He continues to stand beside me as I fight through this grief one moment at a time. God gives me hope each day that as He shows me his faithfulness, His power, and He assures me that my soul will be at rest one day. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him (Psalm 62:5). But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me (Micah 7:7).
Keep those prayers coming.

Love you all,

Beth