Recreation

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Genesis 50:20 (New International Version)
My quest for answers has sent me down many different paths lately. I have to say I am putting in some hard sweat and tears on my journey to healing. I have made unbelievable gains and had disappointing setbacks, but I am grateful for where I have been and where I am going. A year and a half ago, I could hardly get out of bed. Everything was a blur and my pain was chronic. As I was driving past this little church on Durant Rd tonight, I was reminded of how I had to pull over into its’ gravel parking lot not too long ago. I was in so much pain, the tears were uncontrollable and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through that day. To say that I felt damaged, discarded and depressed back then is an understatement. Over the past 20 months, I have become close companions with these three “D’s.” Today they come and go with my circumstances as well as my emotions but back then they were constant.
One of the themes of my life lately has been this idea of being “damaged goods.” I jokingly say to all those special friends and family members who want to introduce me to someone, “Okay, how are you going to present me to your friend?” I mean the facts of my life are quite intimidating. I am not just a single mom…I am a mom to a dead child, a recently divorced woman and a mom to a beautiful baby boy. Yes, I will heal from my divorce. I will heal from the financial crisis’ I have endured and the hurtful words others have shouted at me, but I will never heal from losing my precious daughter. Living without her will always hurt. I know it will hurt less over time; nonetheless, it will still hurt. My happiest moments will always be coupled with the pain of an indescribable loss. It is hard to look forward with this knowledge. My pain and life journey is quite complex.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3 (New International Version)
I know I am damaged but by God’s grace, I have not been destroyed. Through God’s faithfulness, love and comfort I am a recreation of who I was. God has made me wiser, stronger, more empathetic and less judgmental. I am certain that the evil things I have encountered will be used for good just as they were for Joseph. I have already witnessed this and am grateful that there is true redemption in Christ. As I continue on my road to recovery, I am encouraged. I am diligently working through my disappointment and frustration. God is good even in the midst of so much pain.

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a little child and had him stand among them.” (Matthew 18:1-2, NIV).

I’ve learned a lot about my faith, my purpose and my heart through my children. In a way, they each gave me a new life. Before children, I lived selfishly for the most part and I focused on what the world sat before me. It was a good life but it paled in comparison to what God has shown me through my babies. The feelings I have for Meredith and Tyler are indescribable. It warms my heart to read these verses in Matthew 18. It reminds me that God’s decision to take Meredith to Heaven was out of his great love for her. This knowledge gives me peace although it does not dry up my tears.

Last night, I was telling a friend a funny story about Meredith. My little girl always wanted to be held. She was happiest in the arms of someone she loved. I spent a lot of time holding her throughout the day, but it was part of my job description to lay down with her at naptime so she could get to sleep. She would NEVER go to sleep in her crib during the day. Cat and I spent hours on the phone discussing this very issue. How was I ever supposed to get anything done if I had to hold her for her to sleep? Our decision was to try the papoose swing. It is great for newborn babies and had worked for children with this anti-nap attitude. So, I bought one of these monstrous swings and gave it a try. It worked! I committed to getting it bronzed for the gift it had given me. Meredith actually agreed to sleep in that swing and so the problem was solved.

Unfortunately, they do not make this kind of swing for older children (actually, it would be nice if they made one for adults too!). So, as the months went on, I noticed some issues with my heavenly swing. Meredith was growing out of it. I shook off the feeling as this apparatus gave me the freedom to check email, clean, iron, etc… I needed this swing. But, it was inevitable; the swing was growing weary of my 19lb daughter. One afternoon, while Meredith was in her swing for naptime, I peeked in and knew I could not lie in denial any more. She was strapped in, but she was practically sitting straight up with her legs extended far beyond the cushion, and she was smiling. She looked like a big kid in a baby’s seat. I knew at that moment, my free time was over. Thus, we went back to our previous routine, we slept on the couch together. I have to admit, this wasn’t so bad for me. After all, I was pregnant with Tyler and I was tired. I really didn’t need to be doing all of that house stuff anyway…it’s so meaningless:)

I hold this memory tightly for many reasons. First of all, it makes me smile. Secondly, it makes me grateful that Meredith wanted me to hold her and I took the time to do it. Lastly, it reminds me of the impact she made in my life. She taught me to slow down and enjoy the tender moments. She taught me about relationship and responsibility. She taught me to love abundantly and to feel joy. She also taught me about unconditional love.
Yes, I have learned a lot from being a mother to Meredith and Tyler. I believe Christ used Meredith to teach me the things that are written all over his Word and he continues to use Tyler to show me hope and joy. I am thankful that Christ pulled a child forward to express His idea of greatness.

Meredith's Second Birthday

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his armsand carries them close to his heart…” Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)
This is the verse Meredith’s Memorial was based on yesterday. It was the perfect one selected by the most perfect person I could ever imagine, my grandmother, Mama 2. We celebrated the birth of Tyler as well as the second year of Mer’s life with a precious time of prayer, memories and encouragement (Thank you Cat, you are the best friend in the world- I added some pictures too). I cannot describe the thoughts that go through my mind as I stand and gaze at my daughter’s grave. I know that it is just her body and not her soul, but when I look at the spot where she was buried almost a year ago, I see a part of me there as well. Actually, I huge part of me lies beneath the ground. If I could have anything in this world, it would be to have her back. Instead, I have to hold on to what we had together as mother and daughter. I have to hold tightly to the laughter Meredith provided for me, the precious moments that we shared together in the late hours of the night, the funny times we had as I tried desperately to feed her “interesting” foods that she immediately rejected. The first time she said, “Ma ma” and the feel of her nestled comfortably in my arms. These memories are mine forever, and they are what will help me breathe in and breathe out each day. I spent today rereading my journal from last year. I recorded everything Meredith did in it. I am thankful that I spent the time writing as this is what will keep my memories fresh. I spent some time reviewing her birth story with my family today and so I am sharing those memories with you as well. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did.Meredith Elisabeth Edwards was born this day last year at 12:38pm. She was 5 lbs 17 oz and 17 ¾ in. long. She was a planned c-section as she was breech and they were concerned about her small size. I actually went into labor the night before but my contractions were 10 minutes apart so there was no need to go to the hospital. I slept that night comfortably and when I woke in the morning, we were off to the hospital. It would be just a few more hours till I could see my precious baby. This was a day I had dreamed of for many years. My C-section went really well mostly because the doctors and nurses were kind and explained everything carefully and patiently to me. The funny thing is that when I got on the table to start the c-section, my water broke. It was clear then Meredith was going to come this day no matter if I had a planed c-section or not. When the procedure was over and they held little Meredith up her legs were in a V. She looked like a cheerleader. She had blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest skin you have ever seen. She was absolutely beautiful!The first few weeks of her life were a blur but I loved being with her every day. God really blessed me to be able to stay at home with Meredith. I truly thank Him for giving me that time with her. “I look at her all the time and praise God for His amazing blessing. She is so beautiful and perfect. I cannot believe how much I love her. It is such an intense, protective, nurturing love. Meredith was so worth the wait” (written 05-09-07).I read these words from my journal and I just can’t believe that she is gone. How can someone so precious be here one day and gone the next? How do you recover or even continue without the one who made you who you were really supposed to be in life? “She is such a wonderful little girl. I am so excited that I am her mommy. As soon as I put Mer Mer to bed, I want her back up again to hold. Children are such a blessing from the Lord (07-23-07).” I have spent a lot of time really processing my relationship with the Lord and asking Him some tough questions. I want to fill in the gap between God’s promises and God’s provisions. I just wish He would give me an answer that would make the pain go away, that would somehow help me bring her back. I have to say that He is revealing things to me because I am asking Him to do so. He is big enough and wise enough to handle my frustrations and my various questions. He has never failed me and consistently reminds me that He is in control and leading me where He wants me to be. We sang this song by Chris Tomlin yesterday in church that I absolutely adore and have for many years. It made me think of Meredith and how lucky she was to be spending her time in Heaven and how one day I will join her and I will be holding her in my arms once again.

How lovely is/Your dwelling place/Oh Lord Almighty,For my soul longs/And even faints/For You/Oh, here my heart/Is satisfied (is satisfied)/Within Your presence/I sing beneath/The shadow ofYour wings/Better is one day in Your courts/Better is one day in Your house/Better is one day in Your courts/Than thousands elsewhere

Beth

Some Thoughts

Memories are the key not to the past but to the future. Corrie Ten Boom

I painted this quote on the wall of my halfbath last week. I needed something profound to look at when I am walking around my house cleaning up after Tyler, decorating, and doing all the things I do each day. When I was searching for a quote, I immediately thought of Corrie Ten Boom. She was an amazing woman who faced horrific losses and in the end her rewards were grand. I think about this quote often as the memories of the last year seem to be debilitating at times. Right now my memories physically and emotionally hurt me. But, I know that one day the pain will not be so unbearable even though it will always be present. I definitely have hope that my memories will one day open doors to vast opportunities to help others, to inform, to encourage. Only God knows what will come of my past, present and future.One of my recent tussles with God has been over the big and most obvious question I mull over day after day, “Why, Meredith?” I have challenged God with this question a million times over the last 10 months. When I shared my recent thoughts with Cat, she reminded me of the story in Genesis 32:22-31 where Jacob wrestles with God and refuses to stop wrestling him until God blesses him. It is so interesting to reflect on all that I have endured, and to see that in every wrestling match I have had with God, I never give up and somehow He indeed always blesses me. The blessings are neither what I expect nor what I necessarily want, but they are indeed blessings. As I have been asking God the question, “Why?”, He has revealed many truths to me. The first one being, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). I have heard this verse many times, but apparently it hasn’t sunk in over the last 32 years of my life. I can assure you that when you are reminded of this truth continually in a short period of time, you start to get it. Even though I try to constantly find answers to Meredith’s death, I will never know why God did not stop the cancer or why He did not perform a miracle I know He is capable of doing. These answers are hidden, they are mysteries that only God knows the answers to.Another truth God has laid on my heart lately is, life isn’t fair and you either spend your time trying to make it fair or you trust that God is in control and He will grant justice when the time is right. I cannot help but ponder the idea of fairness. It certainly isn’t fair that I lost my daughter; it isn’t fair that my marriage didn’t work even though I was desperate for it to; it isn’t fair that I have to rely on others to sustain me financially while I figure out where God is leading Tyler and me. I want justice NOW, I want redemption NOW, I don’t want to wait years to see God prevail over my struggles. In Psalm 28, David calls to the Lord and begs Him to not turn a deaf ear to him, “For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.” (Psalm 28:1) There are definitely those times where I feel like God is silent and unfair, usually when something isn’t going the way I want it to. It is so tempting to want to take control of the situations that I face, but each time I try to move without HIS blessing, it turns out to be a catastrophe! God keeps reminding me that I have to surrender all of my worries, fears and most of all my pain to Him. It is a daily battle but a necessary one. This song keeps coming to my mind as I am writing… It is by Clay Crosse and is entitled, I Surrender All, and the chorus sums it all up for me.
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams/Though the price to follow costs me everything/I surrender all my human soul desires/If sacrifice requires/That all my kingdoms fall/I surrender all
Keep our families in your prayers this Christmas as we face it without our little Mer who lit up the room and brought smiles to our faces each and every day. Thank you for your persistent prayers, your support and for showing us what God’s love is all about.
Love , Beth

6 Months Ago

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before on the Carepage, but the number 14 has become the day of each month that I most dread as well as the day of the month I am reminded that God speaks to us so clearly when we are willing to listen. Just like everything else in my life, I feel a great sense of grief and depression and at the same time feel a smidgen of joy. It is hard to believe that six months ago my baby girl, Mer, died and went to Heaven. I remember so clearly when Dr. G. called me and said, “Beth, it has gotten worse, the cancer has grown and there is nothing else we can do.” I thought I was going to die. I kicked and screamed with all my might. I knew that is was going to be bad. God had prepared my heart a few days before she got her MRI. I don’t remember that much after the news, I was in total shock and despair, but I do recall God telling me something very specific. He whispered in my ear, “fourteen.” I didn’t tell anyone until later because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to be a prophet or think I was crazy. But, it was then that I knew in my heart that Meredith would be going to join Jesus on that day. As we went through the next two days, preparing for her to die, there was so much pain and so much suffering, not by Mer but by us. She was quiet and peaceful and I was so frightened to watch her die that I prayed I would be asleep when it happened. However, two minutes before she passed, Meredith hit me with her arm (she hadn’t moved in days) to wake me up. My mother and aunt had been watching her and counting her breaths, so they confirmed that this happened. I cuddled her into my arms and she took her last breath.

That was six months ago today that I held me precious baby and gave her back to the one who gave her to me. As I write this down, I cannot help but weep with the deepest most painful tears. These tears are familiar as I cry them each and every day. There is no break in grief, there are no days off, and every minute of every day I am consumed with the thought that Meredith is gone. Yes, I am alive, and I am hopeful, but I wear a heavy weighted jacket each day of my existence. Everyone says that it will get easier…I just can’t imagine not feeling this way. One day I know I will feel joy again, God tells me this all the time in my devotions and Bible Study. “The Lord will be your everlasting light, And your days of sorrow will end (Isaiah 60:20b).” In John 16:21-22, God’s Word says, “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

I am including some new pictures of a quilt that was made using Meredith’s clothes and other items that I treasure. An AMAZING woman named Kim, offered to make this for me right after Mer had passed away. We were strangers, but the Lord brought us together through the Carepage website. I could never repay her for what she did for me. It is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen in my life. I hope you enjoy seeing it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, For my power is made perfect in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9