Crossroads Talk

Go to raleigh.cbsclass.org
and listen to the opening on Lesson 19: God Reaches Out to Jacob (Genesis 27–28) to hear my talk. Give me grace as I was recovering from the Norovirus. Whew, God gives us strength to do what He has called us to do...that is for sure.

Uncertainty

If you want to hear God’s voice clearly and you are uncertain, then remain in His presence until He changes this uncertainty. Often much can happen during this waiting for the Lord. Sometimes He changes pride into humility; doubt into faith and peace; sometimes lust into purity. The Lord can and will do it. --- Corrie Ten Boom, Not I, but Christ

Uncertainty has been the theme of my New Year. In my uncertainty, I have learned the hard way) to run to Christ, hide out and wait. It has taken me years to do this. By nature, I am more of the 'run to a friend and talk' kinda girl, rather than waiting to hear from the Lord. I am still a student in this area, but I am learning and growing.
My main struggle in a time of uncertainty is that I am a “fixer.” I love to problem solve and advise. I even give homework to people I meet with to process their issues and pain. It is natural for me to look at a problem, devise a plan, implement and achieve success. I like this feeling. It makes me feel good inside. However, being a fixer has its disadvantages. I bite off more than I can chew, I begin trusting in my own ability and I advise wrong things. So, becoming a “recovering fixer” has been a challenge. I have had to revamp my methods and run them all past God first. I remind myself that I am incapable of guiding, trusting, forgiving and giving grace without Christ doing it for me. It is much easier to just give hurting people practical, logical and assertive advice. It is less time consuming and less involved. But, it is damaging; I have hurt my own self and others with this old way of thinking.
As I pondered a very complicated situation the last few days, I was drawn back to the Lord by fear, confusion and a need for real direction. I didn’t automatically run to God. I wanted to run to my best friend and accountability partner, but she was swamped with work, kids and her own life. I could barely even get in touch with her. I was frustrated as our usual pattern is to chat several times a day and discuss all the events and non-events that occur in our lives. But, I knew that this was a time for me to remain in God’s presence and hear directly from Him. So, when I read this quote by Corrie Ten Boom last night, I knew what God was doing by blocking my time with my best friend.
God wants all of our thoughts, fears and questions run by Him. What a journey these last days have been. God and I have covered nearly every question I have in my head. He has guided, confirmed and provided clarity on several different areas of my life. Some days I have felt peace, others I have felt physically ill. But, I knew I could trust God to give me answers. I knew He would guide me, I just had to wait. This new way of thinking and dealing with uncertainty, just doesn’t make me feel “good” inside. It makes me feel energized, free, and peaceful. Thank you, Jesus!

Visions

My emotions have been absolutely wild lately. My feelings rotate in this order: anger, anxiety, peace numbness, frustration, fear. Then, I regroup and get back to the place God requires of me consistently, complete surrender. There are so many things to be angry about, but the pressing issue for me is being unproductive. I don’t mean lazy, as I am not, but I want to move forward, I want to have my plans in place…know what my immediate future holds. I have all these things that are unfinished or are “in process.” It drives me crazy! I am like The Closer on TNT; I like to problem solve, execute and close! I get a thrill out of being productive. When I revert to my old ways, things always get harder for me. Simple tasks, like vacuuming, become moments of intense frustration. Normal activities, like brushing my teeth involve stress…I stub my toe on the way to the bathroom, the toothpaste tube won’t fit in the holder correctly and falls over, or I get engrossed in something like transferring all my home videos onto Moviemaker and the program won’t let me pan or zoom. UGH, my stress level is increasing as I remember these events!!! These simple yet annoying occurrences remind me that I am not in control of my life anymore. I cannot problem solve, execute and close my pain, or my future. The path for my life has already been placed before me. It is up to me if I walk that path or if I make my own. God has given me a vision for my future. The details are hidden, but the vision is clear.

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it’s enough for me that He knows about them. That’s why He sometimes shows us things, you know--- to tell us that this too is in His hands.” Betsie ten Boom, The Hiding Place.

There is a great deal of fear revolving around having this new vision. The first vision I had was right around the time that I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. I remember distinctly crying on the floor in Meredith’s room. I was frightened by the idea of having two babies so close together, but what made me cry the most was this very thought, “I wonder if God gave me this baby because something is going to happen to Meredith.” I wept at the very thought. Eventually, I wrote it off as a fear and continued focusing on freaking out about have Irish Twins. But, when my vision became a reality in January of 2008, I knew that the image I received standing at Meredith’s crib was not given to me by accident.

Now God has given me another vision and instead of waiting for it to be unveiled piece by piece, I want to direct it. Yesterday’s devotion was written to me… “So often we mar God’s designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful.” I am incredibly guilty of this! It is a daily battle to match my fears with God’s truths. My past proves that God has always provided financially, emotionally, and spiritually for my children and for me. Thus, my goal is to once again walk the road of true dependence and ultimate surrender. Prayers are welcome!

“Some knowledge is too heavy…you cannot bear it…

your Father will carry it until you are able.”

Casper ten Boom- The Hiding Place

Trading Dreams

As I approach year 2 without Meredith, I am full of sadness, confusion and hope. I am presently training to run the 5K at the Angels Among Us race on April 24th, so it was timely that today's' sermon was on "Running God's Race." Recovering from the events that have taken place in my life over the past few years, has been like running a marathon. I have had to train my mind, body and soul to stay focused on the finish line. It has been a hard and long race, and I am not even close to the end... But, God knew all that I would face in my life…He knew I would watch my daughter thrive and develop into a lovely toddler, and He knew I would watch her suffer and die of brain cancer. He also knew I would survive her death even though there are days I yearn to leave this world to be with her.

God knew the same memories that haunt me and sometimes torment me would encourage and motivate me. He made Meredith incredibly unique. She made me a better person; she made me want to be the best Mom in the world. I never imagined I would not have her to hold, to tickle, snuggle with and to pour all my love into. This is God’s mystery that maybe in time He will reveal to me. For now, I wait and I try to make a new life with what I have left.

God has taught me a lot. A reoccurring thought I have is, "I could have done it. I could have taken care of Meredith and Tyler by myself even if Meredith was disabled." A lot of times people say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," and I kept thinking to myself that I could have done it. I would have given up my whole life and dedicated it to my babies. It would have been worth it to still have her.

When I go to this place, God always inspires me by His beauty. While at my parent's church one Sunday, I looked at the stain glass up front that said, "I am the vine and you are the branches." I closed my eyes and envisioned my baby girl in the beautiful scene of flowing water and vibrant colors. In that moment, Jesus whispered to me, "She is doing great, Beth. She is waiting for you to get here. She cannot wait to see you again." What a glorious moment that will be…not only will I be in Heaven and see God the Father, I will also see Meredith and all the people that were led to Him by her birth, life and death.

As I enter Heaven, I will not think about all the years I waited to see Meredith again or what I saw in the hospital. I will not recall the doctor suggesting that I should think about "how far I wanted to go" in order to save her life. I will forget all of the pain and the suffering that seems unbearable and what I will see is Jesus, the son of God in all His glory. I will see the God that has held my hand through every part of my life. Who never forgot me, who never left me, and who told me that He would provide everything I needed if I truly let Him be my vine. John 15:5-8 says,

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

So, I am a branch…a wilted, weak, sometimes perky but mostly droopy branch. My leaves and fruit are flawed, tattered and barely hanging on, but they are still there. God gives me the nourishment that I need each day and I believe there will be a time when my branch will be strong, perky and full of fruit. One day I will have the strength to encourage a wilted, tattered and weak branch to depend on the vine just as I did.

Lord, help me to know you more intimately. Help me to know you are with me. All of my dreams, my hopes and goals have been shattered. You have eliminated some and changed others. Help me to find encouragement in the past- in the men and women who have been destitute, persecuted and mistreated but were all commended for their faith in the end. (Hebrews 11:37-39,NIV). I have traded my dreams for Yours, Lord. I beg You to take them to greater heights than I could have ever dreamed.

The Rungs in Which I Will Ascend!

Your strength, my weakness

here they always meet,

When I lay down my burden at Your feet:

The things that seem to crush will in the end

Be seen as rungs on which I did ascend!

~Corrie ten Boom

I cannot believe it, but I feel myself making some headway in my grief. The second year after the death of your child is worse than the first, and in some ways it has been. In other ways, I have been able to experience moments of hope and even times of joy.

Yesterday, I retrieved all of Meredith’s clothes from Cat’s house. I have been storing them there since the big move almost two years ago. I’ve wanted them under my roof for some time, but the timing wasn’t right before now. I cannot describe what clothes mean to a bereaved parent. They are like treasure; theseaterial items bring back so many good memories… I held up some of the preemie outfits Meredith wore. I cannot believe she was only 5 pounds 13 ounces when she was born. She was tiny! Her head and feet were so small that her ‘coming home from the hospital’ outfit consisted of my baby dress, and baby doll hat and booties. I’m not kidding…they were on my baby doll when I was a little girl. Crazy!!!! I loved all of Meredith’s clothes. I spent more time planning and coordinating her outfits then my own. Her dress, bib, hat, and socks all matched. I waited a long time to get my dream girl and dressing her up was so much fun. When I sat looking at all those bags of clothes, I could not believe I wasn’t crying my eyes out. I really thought it would be this conflicting moment that would send me into a deep depression. I was so encouraged when I shed a few tears and was able to keep going. Now that is progress!

March 14th was the “one month away from death day.” I was not shocked but obviously annoyed when my verse for the day was Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Yes, the verse can really get under my skin. I mean, I have loved God since age eight. So, if I love Him, how could allowing Meredith to get cancer and die be “all things working for good?” I know that I am trying to be too literal with this scripture, and God obviously wants me to do some work on understanding its deeper meaning and context. As I searched for meaning and clarification, my annoyance quickly turned into an epiphany when I understood the tense that was being used, “And all things work ----they are working; not all things have worked, or shall work; but it is a present operation.” Thus, trying to isolate Meredith’s cancer and death into something good cannot be done. All of the struggles, disappointments and trials I have faced together are the good works that will one day come together like a perfect, symmetrical web.

Now that is food for thought.....

A Funk

The last few weeks have been incredibly challenging. I have been in a “funk” ever since Meredith’s birthday. I cannot really pinpoint what is bothering me among the ever present troubles that surround me. I think it is the frustration of all the components that have left me in this yucky place. These are troubling months for me. I am trying desperately to see the goodness of life and the blessings of a new beginning. At the same time, the memories of the past cloud my view.

I have been feeling the effects of Meredith’s life and death heavily. It has been increasingly hard to watch the little ones around me grow up. All Meredith’s friends are still here. I can only imagine what she would be like. Yesterday, I was watching my three year old nephew interact with Tyler I could not help but imagine Meredith in his place. I could see Mer and Ty sitting beside each other watching Barney. I could see them feeding the ducks together, fighting over toys, and riding in the double stroller. I know they would have loved each other so much. It’s these visions that test my faith to the core.

“These things have I spoken to you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." (John 15:11)

The themes of my devotions this week have been “gifts” and “joy.” My mind tells me these are not things God wants me to be focusing on right now… But, my heart knows that when you hear and read the same themes over and over they are from the Lord. I just cannot figure out how to focus on the gifts God has given me and the joy I should have in Him. I find this absolutely daunting and feel like a complete failure. The truth is, I have so many things to be grateful for and when I do focus on Meredith’s death and the disappointment of all the events that transpired during that time, the heaviness nearly overcomes me. I can hardly hold on to God’s promises. It is a daily battle.

As I have been praying through these feelings of inadequacy, I was challenged by this statement, “…tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them."~Oswald Chambers

So, I have been asking God how to feel his joy in my circumstances. How do I become like Paul who was exceedingly joyful in all his tribulation? The task seems unachievable. But I know that being shaped and molded by the Father is all about His perfect timing. Unfortunately, I want a quick fix; I don’t like to wait on anyone or anything. My nature is to identify the problem, develop a solution and fix it. It is no longer up to me to do this. I have to face my problems, wait on the solution and patiently ask for a fix that may or may not come in my lifetime.

One day I will not feel overcome by the darkness of my circumstances. One day I will be strong enough and wise enough to feel joy in the midst of great pain. One day I will look in the eyes of my Father and thank Him for giving and taking away the things that I held most dear on Earth.

“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors thorough Him that loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

Flashbacks

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

One of my recent devotions challenged me to get in the habit of saying “Speak, Lord” in all circumstances. Thus, at one A.M. on Monday I sat in Tyler’s floor and said it. My child had been up for an hour with the croup. I had tried all the home remedies, had spoken to the nurse and was waiting to hear from the doctor. Tyler was happily playing with Mr. Potato Head while I began asking God, “You really want me to go to the ER? Seriously?” I am not naive in thinking that I will never have to take a trip to the emergency room. I realize I have a boy and that he is already a risk taker. I am sure my life will consist of many visits, but the timing of this visit was just plain agonizing.


As I was waiting for the doctor to confirm that an ER trip was in our immediate future, the memories came rushing back. Where would I go? I could not face the Wake Medical ER. I could not take another baby into that hospital. Would I have to convince the doctor’s there was something wrong? Would I be able to do this on my own? I began to gather our things together and walked out the door with Mr. Croup wrapped in my arms. I drove to that ER totally in control and on a mission. The room was as I expected. I immediately knew how to turn on the TV and how to adjust the lighting. I instantly recalled the purpose of the machines and watched as the nurse checked Tyler's vitals.


The fear of losing Tyler crossed my mind, but most of my trauma surrounded around the flashbacks. I was in this place two years ago. I was sitting in a hospital room waiting for a doctor, waiting for answers, and I was waiting with a baby. What kind of God allows this? What lesson is to be learned through this event? I just couldn’t imagine the necessity of this illness and it occurring during this time. January through April are absolutely heart wrenching months for me. I am plagued with the memories of Meredith’s cancer diagnosis, Tyler’s birthday, Meredith’s birthday, my divorce day, and Meredith’s death anniversary. If I could escape these months in Bora Bora that would certainly ease some of the pain. But, NO! I get to go back to the place I dread the most, the hospital. Ugh!
Now that the dust has settled, Tyler is on the mend, the ice has melted and work has resumed, I sit in wonder of how this ER trip fits into my purpose on this Earth. It sounds kind of trivial to think that every event has a purpose, but I have learned the hard way that all my life events and relationships are being weaved together in a bizarre and unique tapestry. The end product will only look good in God’s eyes that is certain.


When I got over my usual pity party, I returned to God’s Word and sure enough He brought me back to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. I found great comfort knowing that I am not alone. When I was driving in the ice that night, I was not alone. When I entered that room with my child, I was not alone. When I faced my greatest fears and walked through my worst nightmare, I was NOT alone.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...

Heart Monitor Line

I just started doing this study on mending my soul and one of my first assignments was to draw a picture of how I feel and where I am. My mind immediately went to a heart monitor line. This might seem odd but I feel that it accurately depicts my present state. As I began visualizing what my line would look like, it became clear to me that if I was connected to a heart monitor right now they would never release me from the hospital. At the start of my day, my line has the normal blips that anyone would have. But, those blips go way up and way down a million times on just an average day.

I just started back to work this week and it has been a huge adjustment for Tyler and for me. I really dreaded working as I could spend all my time with Tyler and be content, but God called me, opened the door to my old job, gave me the money that I need to live and basically set the whole thing in motion. I didn’t have to do anything but show up. You know it is a “GOD thing” when everything works out perfectly and you haven’t led the charge or had your grubby little hands in the process. It feels good to be doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.

However, as my schedule has become somewhat regimented, I have been able to stuff aside the feelings that used to come sporadically throughout my day. Now they wait for me. When I have fulfilled all my duties as worker and mom, they flood my mind. As I was walking up my stairs the other night, I glanced at my digital picture frame and there she was… the little one who is missing from my life, Miss Meredith. When the reality sets in that she is gone, I usually feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Then, I feel nauseas and I know I could quite possibly throw up. I feel debilitated and weak. I hate these feelings. But what I really hate is that the pictures I see are all I have left of her. I cannot pick those pictures up and feel her, I can never smell her again, and never hear those sweet giggles again. It is so hard. Sometimes I feel that I will not be able to live through this pain as it is so intense and frightening. I want to fall over and cry for hours (sometimes I do) but most of the time, I shed some tears and push on. I cannot allow this pain to overpower me—I have to hold on.

Usually in my heart monitor line, I go from this extreme to the other. It takes some time to recover from the pain, but soon my blips return to normal as I remember all that God has given me. He is such a precious Savior as he reminds me constantly that my daughter was a missionary and her life has changed many others for the better. He reminds me of these things at church on Sunday, through my studies and through you. I feel so blessed to know each of you. God has listened to your prayers and used your words of encouragement to push me forward. The other day I was at the park with Tyler and a woman came up to me. She said, “Are you Beth? You don’t know me, but I have been reading your blog since Meredith got sick and I want you to know how much it has meant to me.” I felt humbled and somewhat embarrassed as I looked like I had been beat with a soot bag but mostly, I was honored that my words had helped someone and that Mer’s life made an impact on her and her family. I want to thank all of you as your words brighten my day, bring me to tears and remind me that there is good here on this Earth. I am grateful for all of you!

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)

Exile

Things have been so much better since I last wrote. I have to admit, I was in the worst mood for most of August. I could not get out of the pit I had allowed myself to fall into. Everything and everybody got on my nerves. I felt like I was holding on by the tips if my fingers. I kept praying for a change of attitude but it was definitely not going to happen. I’m feeling more optimistic these days and it is a much better place.

I’ve been pondering the word “exile” so I looked it up. According the Dictionary.com, exile is defined as a “prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances”. When the “Perfect Storm” hit my life in January 2008, I never imagined I would end up here. Exile is not all bad, much good can actually come from it. It is believed that the Apostle John actually wrote the book of Revelation while in exile. So, I know that God has used this time of exile to heal me, encourage me and catapulte me into a life that will far surpass the life I was forced to leave.

I have been encouraged greatly by those around me. This support prompted me to go back and reread a Bible Study I participated in right after Meredith died. It is “Discerning the Voice of God” by Priscilla Shirer. She gives guidelines to help us be sure we are hearing our Spirit-led conscience accurately…
1. Look for the message of the Spirit
2. Live in the mode of prayer
3. Search out the model of scripture
4. Submit to the ministry of Eli (seek the counsel of the wise)
5. Expect the mercy of confirmation

I just love knowing that when I am seeking to hear God, he is ready to speak to me. I had the opportunity to experience these guidelines this past week. I stopped by to get something from a dear friend last Friday and what was supposed to be a brief and business-like encounter, God used to speak to me. I had been struggling with the some challenging but necessary life changes. In our 30 minute conversation, I left with confirmation from the Lord. It wasn’t as if she had actually told me what I should or should not do, she just said what God put on her heart to share. She was my “Eli.” You know it is God when a simple conversation turns into "the mercy of confirmation".

I cannot think of a time I heard God before my exile. I know he was present, I know he was eager to speak to me and I know I wanted to hear. But, it wasn't until my exile that I was changed for the better. Losing so much has made me love more deeply and search God more diligently. May God use my suffering for his glory, Amen!

Beth

6 Months Ago

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before on the Carepage, but the number 14 has become the day of each month that I most dread as well as the day of the month I am reminded that God speaks to us so clearly when we are willing to listen. Just like everything else in my life, I feel a great sense of grief and depression and at the same time feel a smidgen of joy. It is hard to believe that six months ago my baby girl, Mer, died and went to Heaven. I remember so clearly when Dr. G. called me and said, “Beth, it has gotten worse, the cancer has grown and there is nothing else we can do.” I thought I was going to die. I kicked and screamed with all my might. I knew that is was going to be bad. God had prepared my heart a few days before she got her MRI. I don’t remember that much after the news, I was in total shock and despair, but I do recall God telling me something very specific. He whispered in my ear, “fourteen.” I didn’t tell anyone until later because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to be a prophet or think I was crazy. But, it was then that I knew in my heart that Meredith would be going to join Jesus on that day. As we went through the next two days, preparing for her to die, there was so much pain and so much suffering, not by Mer but by us. She was quiet and peaceful and I was so frightened to watch her die that I prayed I would be asleep when it happened. However, two minutes before she passed, Meredith hit me with her arm (she hadn’t moved in days) to wake me up. My mother and aunt had been watching her and counting her breaths, so they confirmed that this happened. I cuddled her into my arms and she took her last breath.

That was six months ago today that I held me precious baby and gave her back to the one who gave her to me. As I write this down, I cannot help but weep with the deepest most painful tears. These tears are familiar as I cry them each and every day. There is no break in grief, there are no days off, and every minute of every day I am consumed with the thought that Meredith is gone. Yes, I am alive, and I am hopeful, but I wear a heavy weighted jacket each day of my existence. Everyone says that it will get easier…I just can’t imagine not feeling this way. One day I know I will feel joy again, God tells me this all the time in my devotions and Bible Study. “The Lord will be your everlasting light, And your days of sorrow will end (Isaiah 60:20b).” In John 16:21-22, God’s Word says, “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

I am including some new pictures of a quilt that was made using Meredith’s clothes and other items that I treasure. An AMAZING woman named Kim, offered to make this for me right after Mer had passed away. We were strangers, but the Lord brought us together through the Carepage website. I could never repay her for what she did for me. It is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen in my life. I hope you enjoy seeing it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, For my power is made perfect in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9