Trust in the Lord

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
(Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV).

I remember God giving me these verses at a crucial time in my life over ten years ago. It was my junior year in college and I was preparing to take a test that would either keep me in my teaching program or cause me to choose a different line of work. I remember how I recited this verse over and over as I studied. This was the first time in my life I remember really struggling through something. My future seemed hinged upon this one test. I was at the mercy of God. I knew my brain could not absorb any more than I had put in it. I needed God to do it for me.

As I think back through my experience with the math portion of the Praxis, I remember how hard I worked, long I prayed and how desperate I was for God to help me pass. The result—I passed by one point. Yes, God brought me through by the skin of my teeth, but HE was faithful.

I’ve been at God’s mercy many times since then. My future has felt uncertain even when I believed I was in God’s will. It can be so difficult to stay faithful and obedient during the hard times. Focusing on the big picture can seem daunting when the little things don’t seem to make sense.

As my first real adult obstacle came back to my mind, I realized this was practice—a small act of faith and obedience. Giving up my daughter to God and still following Him has been my greatest test of faith. Now, as I face more trials, I know that obeying God is worth it. Trusting God during trials is difficult and victory does not come easy-- there is always a lot of wrestling, tears and submitting to Him. God is creative in the way He has brought me to the finish line, but He always gets me there for He is forever faithful.

We Will Remember

“But then I recall all you have done, O LORD; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works” (Psalm 77:11-12, NLT).

I have to say that this year September 11th really changed my focus. In the past, I have avoided the programs and remembrance services on TV. Honestly, I don’t want to even think about the entire thing. It is so painful. It brings me back to such a dark place and makes me ache for others as well as myself. But, this year I was ready to watch and to feel. God has taught me that my pain of losing Meredith and my healing journey over these 3 years is to be used for others. So, I watched, prayed, cried and hurt for all those families who remembered what was taken from them. In our church service, we sang such an appropriate song:

We Will Remember
[inspired by Neh. 9:16], [Ps. 77:11, 12]

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

You’re our creator, our life sustainer
Deliverer, our comfort, our joy
Throughout the ages You’ve been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm

With signs and wonders You’ve shown Your power
With precious blood You showed us Your grace
You’ve been our helper, our liberator
The giver of life with no end
When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

My heart was moved to the point of tears during this song. I have been consumed with good things and hard things lately. I have struggled to hear the Lord, and follow Him. I have blocked out the memories of what God has carried me through by focusing on my challenges.

But, today I remember…
• the gifts of my children
• delivering me from heartbreak and pain
• Christ being my shelter, peace and comfort
• God’s reward of a husband who absolutely adores me
• my awesome job where I help hurting people
• my loving, loyal a lively family and friends
• the blessings of obedience

Will you remember the works of His hands today?

Happy Birthday

“…and those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”Isaiah 35:10

My sweet grandmother sent me this precious verse to me on my birthday. I was touched so deeply by it. I would never have guessed that in three years I could claim this verse to be true. I always knew deep down that God would carry me through. I just could not conceive of what it would look like. Three years ago, the most precious gift I ever received was taken by cancer. I never dreamed that I would make it through this tragedy, must less live again. As I reflect on the last few months, I am amazed at how God rescued me from so many obstacles. I am so grateful for His faithfulness.

Although so much was taken from me in 2008, I have seen God bring joy back into my life in multiple ways. First and foremost, my book has brought Meredith back to life in a way. Even though I cannot feel or touch her, her memory is bound in that beautiful pink and green book. God promised me as I was writing, “Will You Trade Your Dreams for His?” That Meredith’s memory was not in a gravestone or just in the hearts of those who knew her, but that it would be spread all over. God has been so good in keeping His promises to me. Thank you to all of you who have bought it. My sales have been astounding and I have had many opportunities to speak locally on my experience with loss, pain, and God’s healing. Everything I have lost, God has given back to me.

The other amazing and redemptive blessing I have received is a loving man. After my divorce, I thought I could never trust again. The disappointment and heartache I experienced was devastating. But, through writing my book and attending Mending the Soul, I found that I could place my trust in my Heavenly Father and in turn trust another man--with God’s help. It has been so sweet to see God redeem this part of my life. I cannot wait to marry him.

Finally, God has strategically placed me in an amazing workplace full of support and grace. Not only that, I am doing something that I absolutely love—helping people. If you asked me a little over a year ago if I would be in this job, I would have laughed. But, God knew all along just where I belonged. I get to use my story of pain and healing to help people in the midst of great challenges. I have been able to say with confidence that God is ENOUGH.

When you go through great challenges, God places certain people in your life to encourage you. I can remember a bereaved parent telling me that the loss of his child ultimately lead him to change his entire career and begin helping people. He encouraged me that God would use my pain and to just hold on. I remember not believing him—now I know it to be true.

Repaired by the Master

I cannot believe it is April again. Time passes so quickly. As most of you know, April is the month I wish I could skip. I would be completely content with spending this entire month in bed. The feelings of oppression came swiftly on March 31st. I was about to go to bed when I decided to pick up a devotion that I haven’t touched in several months. I looked at the title, “Made and Repaired by the Master” by Corrie ten Boom.
If you followed my blog when Meredith was sick, you might remember this story. A man comes to this home and asks for a place to sleep for the night, he ends up in the basement which housed a broken harp. He ends up fixing the harp to everyone’s dismay and when they asked how he repaired it, he replied, “I made this harp years ago, and when you make something, you can also repair it.”
I love this story. It was such an inspiration to me when Meredith was at that crucial state of recovery. Three years ago to this day, it looked like God was repairing Meredith. She was out of the hospital, making strides and finally coming back to us. I was so grateful, yet incredibly fearful. I had a promise from God that we would all be taken care of, but I had not been promised Meredith’s recovery on this earth. I was going to have to be patient and wait to see the outcome. Oh, how I wish it was different.
As I closed my devotion, I asked God what he wanted me to learn from rereading this passage. He said little and so I went to bed. Then came two days of the same theme: JOY.

Lord, You made me. What a JOY that You are willing and able to repair me. (A Gentle Spirit)

God gives us peace and JOY, to help you along your journey. (40 Days with Jesus)

The deeper we grow in the spirit of Christ, the more we realize that everything in life is a gift. The tenor of our lives becomes one of JOYful thanksgiving. (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

I cannot put into words the feelings of disappointment I have over losing Meredith. I wish this story came to fruition for her. I wish I could share this story with others and it have a happy ending for me. I know Meredith got her happy ending. It’s just me that is left here being asked to have JOY leading up to my daughter’s death day. I’m not angry though, only broken, depleted and completely incompetent in so many ways. But, I have learned that when I am in this place, Christ ALWAYS repairs me. It might not be as fast as I would like, but it always happens.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8,NIV)

Moving Mountains

February is a month of celebration while a time of great reflection. As Tyler and Meredith’s third and fourth birthdays quickly approach, I feel conflicted. I have already started planning Tyler’s party. I enjoy doing this and cannot wait to celebrate one of the happiest days of my life. But, as I plan, I grieve that Meredith will only turn 4 in my heart. I can only dream of what she would look like, do and say on her fourth birthday.

Last week, as I was doing my Bible Study Matthew 17:20 was the focus, “…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”I have to admit that I struggle with this verse, especially during this season. It was also interesting that Matthew 17:20 was part of my study 2 days before I got my book proof from my publisher. So, here I am facing a verse that makes me feel like I didn’t have enough faith for God to perform a miracle followed up by a book that details all my disappointments and hardships.

As I meditated on Matthew 17:20, I began to think how it has applied to my life after Meredith’s death. How God has kept His word even though at times it has been difficult to believe due to my circumstances. Losing Meredith has challenged me to expect God to answer my prayers, but to not expect him to do so in a certain way. I have seen Him move mountains in my life, but not in the way I pictured.
Even though I get disgruntled and frustrated when I am reminded of the things I do not understand, I have also realized that questioning and wrestling with God is not just normal but is necessary. So, I am thankful that God has once again asked me to think and pray about this faith verse.

As far as my book, many of you have been asking me when it will be finished. I had high hopes it would be out by Meredith’s birthday, but since I am still proofing it, that will not happen. It is nearing completion though and as I read it again, God has given me a whole new set of promises. Like many authors, I think it needs more tweaking, but I know deep down that it is exactly what God wants it to be. Lord willing, you will see it in the next month and will be able to read my love story between Mother, Daughter and our God.

Goodness

Thou knows’t not what is good for thee,
But God doth know---
Let Him thy strong reliance be,
And rest thee so. ---C.F. Gellert

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the events that have taken place in my life. Sometimes a gain more perspective and peace while other times I cry in despair and just want to throw in the towel. There is so much pain to sift through. It comes from many different events, some lingering questions that do not have answers and from good and bad memories. Lately, I have wondered about this promise from the Lord…
Genesis 32:12 I will surely do thee good.
I go round and round with this verse as well as others that speak of God’s good and perfect plan for our lives. In the midst of so much personal tragedy, how can there be good? I believe the worst thing that could happen to someone is to watch their child die, add on a divorce and you’ve got a full fledged nightmare. No need to rent a horror flick, just watch my life in action. I’m certainly getting better at handling disappointment and surviving tough circumstances. It does get easier when that it what you deal with day after day. My attitude can get pretty bleak. I don’t like it and am usually corrected by my loved ones and God immediately. Without them and HIM I would be in a pit of despair and self-pity every minute of the day.
One of the reoccurring thoughts I have is…if Meredith had lived and she was disabled I would have taken care of her and done a great job. I have wondered why God didn’t just let her live…Did He think I couldn’t handle it? I know it would have been hard, but I am a “fixer” and I would have done whatever I could to give my little girl a good life. There is nothing I would not have done. I realized that this is such a selfish way to think. It was not what was best for Meredith to live…otherwise God would have kept her here.
My devotion reminded me that “we need to be careful of thinking that what we have assigned to us is not the right thing for us.”(Elizabeth Charles). I’m not saying that I think questioning is bad, it actually has grown my faith tremendously. However, there is point where I have had to accept that this was my fate and that good will come of all of this trauma and heartache.
God gave me a second chance when he gave me Meredith. He allowed me to see His goodness and experience a love that goes beyond words. I’ve learned that life is too precious to waste time trying to be omniscient---after all, only God is…

Waiting

Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. Proverbs 8:34

Gosh, I wish I looked like this while waiting but clearly I do not. I feel like an expert on waiting as my life seems to be defined by it. I have learned that waiting on the Lord in not only better but is also necessary. I have growm accustomed to waiting before I respond to an e-mail, respond over the phone and when I want to purchase something unnecessary. I was reminded ever so genlty this week how God works miraculously when we wait on him.

I have been in a debackle with a person who was working on a project with me. As I have learned the hard way, just because people charge a lot for their services, doesn't mean you get high quality results. What an unfortunate realization. Everyone thinks paying full price means you get the best work- yep, not in my case. The best results I have received are the ones I got for free. Anyway, I have been avoiding this particular meeting for a few weeks b/c I have anticipated having to go in and fight for what was right. Frankly, I am so tired of fighting for what is right. It is exhausting especially when you have been fighting cancer, an ex-spouse and depression. But, I knew I had to deal with this situation, as it was not going to go away. I was eager to check this one off my list, so I called to talk. To my amazement and surprise, me waiting was the very best thing I could have done. I ended up not having to fight for what was right, as a matter of fact, the person admitted responsibility and did what was right.

As much as it hurts to wait on the Lord, it is not only necessary but the results are worth it.