Birthdays

God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome ~Oswald Chambers

Thank you so much for praying me through last week’s birthdays. Your cards, emails, FB messages and phone calls were such a blessing. I have to admit that it was a minute by minute battle to make it through past memories and to face the present and the future. Celebrating and mourning Meredith’s 3rd birthday was one of the hardest things I have done. Last year was totally different. I was in the midst of such raw grief and I was used to crying every day if not every minute. I got through her 2nd birthday with much more ease as I was hardly coherent. This year was so hard. The depression and pain were intense. The fact that Meredith wasn’t coming back sat upon my chest like concrete. The reality that my daughter is dead still astounds and completely shocks me. In the middle of all those emotions and feelings of horror this little blond haired, happy faced, talkative boy stood before me. “Mama okay?” he would say. “I love you too” he would repeat as I wept. What an indescribable gift God gave me when I was blessed with Tyler. No, he doesn’t fill the void left by Mer, but he certainly makes me get out of bed and face each day. Not only did I get out of bed, I threw him a rather large Barney Birthday Bash that nearly killed me. I cooked, cleaned, planned games, and scoured all of Raleigh to buy purple and green decor. It was so much fun to shower him with love, attention and gifts. This celebration was also a good reminder that there is joy to be felt on this Earth.

I tried to stay close to the Lord last week, but it was a struggle. When I reach a certain place of despair, I just don’t want to crack open my devotions or read the Bible. Sometimes the words feel like salt in my wounds. However, I read a little each day from My Utmost for His Highest and was once again comforted and encouraged by the words on the page. On Meredith’s birthday the verse was Ephesians 5:14, “Arise from the dead.” February 17th was “Arise and eat” (1 Kings 19:5), February 18th: “Rise, let us be going” (Matthew 26:46) and on February 19th it was “Arise, shine” from Isaiah 60:1. How fascinating it was that Oswald Chambers knew (from Heaven of course) that I would need to be challenged in the areas of …spiritual initiative, depression, despair and drudgery. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been struggling with these same issues on the same days only in the early 1900s.

His words, “When the inspiration of God does come, it comes with such miraculous power that we are able to arise from the dead and do the impossible thing” brought many thoughts to my mind. If only this passage was meant for Meredith and she could arise from the dead, how my life would change. But, instead it was pertaining to me. When you lose a child, a part of you dies too. I might look put together or look like I am doing well, but I am emotionally disabled and forever disfigured. I will never look tidy, complete and put together on the inside. Frankly, I have felt like the walking dead since January 2008. I have been able to do the things I have done by praying and seeking God with every step.

On Meredith’s 3rd birthday, I was deeply moved by the notion of God raising me from this “dead” place of despair and tragedy. I want to live again. I want to feel joy in the simple things of life and one day I even want to dream.