Survival

I’ve sat down and tried to write for days now, and have struggled to put anything down on paper. I have been paralyzed with grief waiting for this day to arrive. Honestly, the days leading to Mer’s anniversary are more difficult than the actual day. The anticipatory grief can be debilitating. The last two weeks have been full of feelings that have been overwhelming to say the least. In the past, I have spent the time before Mer’s anniversary in a haze. Most of the time, I spend it asleep. Sleeping is my escape from everything. It is my favorite thing to do. The way I relax is to sleep. I love it and never get enough of it. So, I anticipated sleeping today while Tyler played with my parents. But, I couldn’t. I saw this as a positive step as this year I didn’t need to totally escape from my life. So, I spent the day outside. I ran, read and played with Tyler. I allowed the tears and memories to come and go naturally. I remembered my baby shower for Meredith and how excited I was to be having a girl; I remembered how happy she made me, how unique she looked, how perfect she was, and how hard she fought to hold on at the end. I also remembered the exact moment she died in my arms. It’s hard to believe that I said good bye to her 3 years ago today. It is even harder to believe that I have survived without her. As I reflected on my survival, God revealed some powerful answers to my question:

First, I survived because of God’s comfort and compassion. “The Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones” (Isaiah 49:13).

Second, I survived because of God’s purpose for my life. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Third, I survived because of the people God surrounded me with through my crisis and the people who have walked with me faithfully through the healing process. “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble” Proverbs 17;17, The Message).

I thank God for all of you who have not only stuck by me but who have also kept Meredith’s memory alive.