The Rungs in Which I Will Ascend!

Your strength, my weakness

here they always meet,

When I lay down my burden at Your feet:

The things that seem to crush will in the end

Be seen as rungs on which I did ascend!

~Corrie ten Boom

I cannot believe it, but I feel myself making some headway in my grief. The second year after the death of your child is worse than the first, and in some ways it has been. In other ways, I have been able to experience moments of hope and even times of joy.

Yesterday, I retrieved all of Meredith’s clothes from Cat’s house. I have been storing them there since the big move almost two years ago. I’ve wanted them under my roof for some time, but the timing wasn’t right before now. I cannot describe what clothes mean to a bereaved parent. They are like treasure; theseaterial items bring back so many good memories… I held up some of the preemie outfits Meredith wore. I cannot believe she was only 5 pounds 13 ounces when she was born. She was tiny! Her head and feet were so small that her ‘coming home from the hospital’ outfit consisted of my baby dress, and baby doll hat and booties. I’m not kidding…they were on my baby doll when I was a little girl. Crazy!!!! I loved all of Meredith’s clothes. I spent more time planning and coordinating her outfits then my own. Her dress, bib, hat, and socks all matched. I waited a long time to get my dream girl and dressing her up was so much fun. When I sat looking at all those bags of clothes, I could not believe I wasn’t crying my eyes out. I really thought it would be this conflicting moment that would send me into a deep depression. I was so encouraged when I shed a few tears and was able to keep going. Now that is progress!

March 14th was the “one month away from death day.” I was not shocked but obviously annoyed when my verse for the day was Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Yes, the verse can really get under my skin. I mean, I have loved God since age eight. So, if I love Him, how could allowing Meredith to get cancer and die be “all things working for good?” I know that I am trying to be too literal with this scripture, and God obviously wants me to do some work on understanding its deeper meaning and context. As I searched for meaning and clarification, my annoyance quickly turned into an epiphany when I understood the tense that was being used, “And all things work ----they are working; not all things have worked, or shall work; but it is a present operation.” Thus, trying to isolate Meredith’s cancer and death into something good cannot be done. All of the struggles, disappointments and trials I have faced together are the good works that will one day come together like a perfect, symmetrical web.

Now that is food for thought.....