He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Colossians 1:15-20
I haven’t written in forever; primarily because I have busied myself with other things in an effort to avoid it! I cry the most when I write. As soon as I start typing, I know the memories and feelings will come like a tidal wave. I hate this process even though it is a healing one. Easter is a hard time for me. Just like all holidays, it is full of family time, exciting events and good food. I appreciate the time with the ones I love, but am constantly plagued by the reality of being a bereaved parent. I tried really hard to focus on the meaning of Easter rather than my pain. I love the description of God in this Colossians passage. It helps me remember that I am not living this life for a God that is distant and powerless. He is a God that walks with me, comforts me, and guides me. He has the power to change evil into good, He knows our past, present and future and waits patiently for us to come to Him and love Him above all else. Yes, I know who God is and His glory. I have seen evidence of Him in the good and bad times. I just wish my mind and heart could stay connected constantly.
On Saturday, we took Tyler to an Easter Egg Hunt and it was a blast. James City County put out 10,000 eggs for kids ages 1-2, 3-4, and 5-6. Tyler had such a good time and I did too. He was so aggressive and focused on getting eggs. But, he was sensitive too. He never took an egg away from another kid. He had the perfect balance of determination and compassion. I was a proud Mommy. As we finished up with his egg hunt, we stayed to watch the three and four year olds get their eggs. I didn’t realize until I was gazing at the field that my daughter would have been out there. Tyler and I would be cheering her on as she grabbed those colored eggs and placed them in her basket. What I wouldn’t give to see her do what normal kids do. However, all I have is the unfathomable sadness of ‘what might have been.’
This sadness catapulted me into a place of ‘Meredith memories’ that I do not like to visit often. Her death anniversary is quickly approaching, and at the same time, I feel like God is asking me to walk back through all of my journal entries starting in January of 2008 till now. In April of 2008, Meredith was released from the hospital and was making so much progress. I actually believed she would live. It seemed as if a miracle was going to occur. Days later, we were told there was nothing else to be done. The cancer came back with a vengeance and the fight was over. Oh, the memories of those days that lead up to the 14th haunt me. If only I could forget the feelings of helplessness, powerless, despair. If only, the story could be rewritten. If only I could just focus on the goodness Meredith brought to my life, the mercy God showed in the midst of so much pain, the perfection of His plan.
As I tossed in agony over the memories of Meredith’s death, I was prompted to read my devotion and sure enough God challenged me through Oswald Chambers once again…"Never be afraid when God brings back the past. Let memory have its way. It is a minister of God with its rebuke and chastisement and sorrow. God will turn the ‘might have been’ into a wonderful culture for the future.”
One day it will all be clear to me. One day the ‘if only’s” and “what ifs” will change into “thank you’s.” Until that day, I continue to faithfully wait.
"If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes.” Luke 19:42 (NIV).
3 comments:
"I am often intimidated to comment on a subject I know so little about...but your words compel me to have greater hope, greater courage than I do now. Thank you for bearing your heart and sharing this journey with us. I thank Jesus that you are not alone on it."
The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I just finished reading your latest blog. I wanted you to know that I think of Meredith every Easter Sunday and probably will for the rest of my life. I remember that time so vividly because she was making progress on Easter. I remember hearing that she was sucking her passie and grabbing for a doll. It seemed like you were winning the “tug of war”. That is the way I viewed her sickness – a tug of war. Everyone constantly pulling her back to life. They were winning on Easter and I was grateful. April 1st is the tick down day for me where I reflect on her life each day until the 14th. There is hope on Easter and sorrow days later. Only I get to leave it on the fourteenth for another year, for that I grieve for you.
You have come so far! Now the “tug of war” is with you and despair. You are winning!! Keep pulling back! Meredith would be proud! You give your daughter’s life story hope with your survival and perseverance. Keep her strong! I now believe that Meredith is on the other end of the rope, pulling back along with you.
So for Easter Sunday I now think of “tug of war”, where if only for one day, we can all be winning the battle…..KEEP PULLING!!!!
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