Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
Today I was stopped dead in my tracks. You see, I am on this marathon and right now I am running as fast as I can. I am running from a broken heart, from my enemies, and most of all from debilitating grief. If I could just break the chains and be free… But, they are always there for me waiting like wolves ready to devour me.
I have been running past pictures of my daughter lately. They are displayed all around my house, but I have been avoiding them. Then, at church I spotted a baby girl that looked just like Meredith. She had such a petite head, shaped like a perfect egg. She was pale with just a smidgen of blond hair. She was in pink and was sucking passionately on a pacifier (pink, of course). I couldn’t stop looking at her. My emotions went from shock to despair. “Why would God allow me to see this child? Does He not know how much I yearn to see her again? Why can I not be spared these experiences?”
But, God knew I needed to weep. I feel like this is all I do. However, I spend a lot of time fighting it. The tears are good though. They remind me how much I love my daughter. Running from my tears only hinders my healing.
When I remember the times I had with my little girl, they seem like a dream. Sometimes the memories seem like they were part of a different life for me. I was a different person then. I looked at life from a somewhat innocent point of view. Now, I have walked a path of great pain and my innocence has been shattered. Now, I know what it is like to suffer, to be treated unfairly, to be hated. Then, I just lived in my little pretend bubble. The harshness of the world didn’t get to me. I chose to avoid it. Today, I yearn for Eternity. I cannot wait to see Jesus and in his arms, my babe.
Until then, I know I have to continue running with perseverance and hope.
1 comment:
Just caught up on your last few posts and am blessed once again with the words of wisdom that God has given you. What an honor to know someone that is allowing God to use all her horrific circumstances for His glory. Be assured that you are running the race so well Beth. So thankful for His unending Love...oh what do people do without him?
Love, Anna Marie
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