Heart Monitor Line

I just started doing this study on mending my soul and one of my first assignments was to draw a picture of how I feel and where I am. My mind immediately went to a heart monitor line. This might seem odd but I feel that it accurately depicts my present state. As I began visualizing what my line would look like, it became clear to me that if I was connected to a heart monitor right now they would never release me from the hospital. At the start of my day, my line has the normal blips that anyone would have. But, those blips go way up and way down a million times on just an average day.

I just started back to work this week and it has been a huge adjustment for Tyler and for me. I really dreaded working as I could spend all my time with Tyler and be content, but God called me, opened the door to my old job, gave me the money that I need to live and basically set the whole thing in motion. I didn’t have to do anything but show up. You know it is a “GOD thing” when everything works out perfectly and you haven’t led the charge or had your grubby little hands in the process. It feels good to be doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.

However, as my schedule has become somewhat regimented, I have been able to stuff aside the feelings that used to come sporadically throughout my day. Now they wait for me. When I have fulfilled all my duties as worker and mom, they flood my mind. As I was walking up my stairs the other night, I glanced at my digital picture frame and there she was… the little one who is missing from my life, Miss Meredith. When the reality sets in that she is gone, I usually feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Then, I feel nauseas and I know I could quite possibly throw up. I feel debilitated and weak. I hate these feelings. But what I really hate is that the pictures I see are all I have left of her. I cannot pick those pictures up and feel her, I can never smell her again, and never hear those sweet giggles again. It is so hard. Sometimes I feel that I will not be able to live through this pain as it is so intense and frightening. I want to fall over and cry for hours (sometimes I do) but most of the time, I shed some tears and push on. I cannot allow this pain to overpower me—I have to hold on.

Usually in my heart monitor line, I go from this extreme to the other. It takes some time to recover from the pain, but soon my blips return to normal as I remember all that God has given me. He is such a precious Savior as he reminds me constantly that my daughter was a missionary and her life has changed many others for the better. He reminds me of these things at church on Sunday, through my studies and through you. I feel so blessed to know each of you. God has listened to your prayers and used your words of encouragement to push me forward. The other day I was at the park with Tyler and a woman came up to me. She said, “Are you Beth? You don’t know me, but I have been reading your blog since Meredith got sick and I want you to know how much it has meant to me.” I felt humbled and somewhat embarrassed as I looked like I had been beat with a soot bag but mostly, I was honored that my words had helped someone and that Mer’s life made an impact on her and her family. I want to thank all of you as your words brighten my day, bring me to tears and remind me that there is good here on this Earth. I am grateful for all of you!

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)