Vision

As Meredith’s 5 year anniversary approaches, I cannot help but wonder where the time has gone. I cannot believe she has been gone this long. I haven’t even been able to focus on her anniversary. My mind is on overload with preparing for the baby. I have so much to do! But, I know that if I busy myself too much, the grief will completely slam me on Sunday. So, I asked God last night, to help me focus on Mer. Each year, I want to know what I should have learned from this tragedy or who I should be transforming into. 

This is the first year that I have felt that I have not used Mer’s story to minister to anyone. I haven’t been pursuing speaking engagements, writing my next book, blogging consistently or ministering to hurting women. I've been so distracted. I've been so tired, sick and uncomfortable. This pregnancy has zapped me of my strength and focus.

I was remembering back to the years right after all the tragedy. I spent hours writing, crying and healing. I was so close to the Lord. I was helping people like crazy and giving my testimony to all these groups of women. I kept Mer alive in a way by talking about her and sharing her with everyone. It was true ministry.

This year, I feel panicked that I am not doing enough. Am I forgetting her? What am I doing to continue her legacy? Is she fading out because of this new baby girl? Am I bad mom because my life has moved on in so many different directions and I cannot focus on her? My heart is torn.

This morning Oswald’s reflection on Mark 16:12 helped me revisit the past and reflect,

You should always recognize the difference between what you see Jesus to be and what He has done for you. If you see only what He has done for you, your God is not big enough. But if you have had a vision, seeing Jesus as He really is, experiences can come and go, yet you will endure.”

Am I the only one who gets totally caught up in what God has or has not done for me? Yikes, this was convicting. I go back in time a lot and get frustrated by results or lack of results. I know that I was never closer and more in tune with who Jesus was than when Mer with sick and the year after her death. I wasn't focused on what God was going to do for me but I was always pondering and digging deeper into the truth of who God was and is.

While focusing on Him He steadily rebuilt my life—filling it with great people and good things to replace what was taken. I see His mighty hand, His faithfulness and His character in every part of the last 5 years. 

So, as I prepare for my sweet girl’s death anniversary, and my new girl’s entry, I will remember Jesus. Because over these past years, I have seen a vision of God, and I will never be the same.

Love you sweet Baby Mer!