The Key

Memories of my past have been present on my heart and soul lately. Some of my quiet times have brought me back to the verses, songs and writings that accompanied me in my darkest days. It has been interesting how these passages and songs have a different effect on me today. I remember feeling Psalm 6:6 to my core. I recall listening to Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns and being overwhelmed with sadness. I’ll never forget reading portions of Job and believing that the only thing left that could happen to me was to get boils like him. Then, I got a blown vein after a failed IV and sure enough, I looked like I had a boil. Life was really difficult back then.  Life is better now.

 I also recall laying on Mer’s grave in the cold, crying till the tears ran dry. Now, when I return to her grave, I am sad, I cry, but the pain is less severe. For the first time, I was able to go to her grave and not feel my heart breaking. I know it is weird, but I wanted to tell her that I was having a girl. I know she can’t hear me. But, I wanted her to know that God gave me another special gift. I think if she could see me, she would be happy for me.

Living a joyful life without my firstborn is still so difficult. But, time does heal wounds especially when it's used to help others learn to depend on God no matter what. I stumbled over this poem a couple of days ago and it really sums up this sometimes mysterious, but always faithful God:

“Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.
Is there some door closed by the Father’s hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait—for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.
Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you have thought t’would be?
God will make clear His purpose by and by.
He keeps the key.
Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long lingerer He,
And the door of all your future life
He keeps the key.
Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of EVERY door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just HE sees is best,
Will give it THEE.”

Anonymous

What powerful words of wisdom. I look at my life now almost 5 years down the road a bereaved parent, broken woman, an outcast and I can honestly say that God has rebuilt a life that I thought would never be put back together again. I doubted God’s ability to restore such a mess. Today, I can remember the pain and it pushes me forward. I’m still waiting for the key but I know that there will be a day where I will get the key, when I see Jesus face to face.