Baby Girl

“Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.”


Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place

I cry every time I read this quote from Corrie ten Boom. Right after Bryan and I found out we were having a baby GIRL, I saw this quote and it sums up exactly what I feel in my heart. When Bryan and I talked about having a baby this summer, I quickly said, “I cannot do this again unless it is a girl.” He quickly reminded me that I did not have control over that, which I knew, but I really wanted a girl!

When I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed emotions-- waves of concern, excitement and thoughts that Bryan and I were just plane crazy! Our schedules between all of our boys, work, family and friends is absolutely packed. But, we left it to the Lord and trusted Him that He blessed us with a baby and He would show us the way.

The whole pregnancy I have only been thinking about girl names, but on the way back from Disney, I decided it was time to peruse the boy name list. So, Bryan, Tyler, Severin and Jackson (my nephew) and I went through 250 boy names. It was hysterical listening to the names they liked and didn’t like. Of course, there was no consensus besides naming the baby, poop—which is Tyler’s favorite word. Bryan and I came to a decision we liked and the little ones agreed so I thought to myself…get ready Beth this might be a boy.

Monday morning I woke up early with thoughts racing through my mind. If this baby was a boy, I could handle it, but I still held out hope that maybe God would give me a second chance at being a girly mom. So we headed off to the ultrasound. Since I am considered a “mature age mother,” which I do not appreciate I might add, we got a very thorough ultrasound. We saw every part of the baby’s heart, brain, etc… It was very exciting BUT we wanted to know what the baby was!!! Our doctor was so sweet and said, “we will know shortly.” So, we waited a good 20 minutes and looked at things we could not make out, and then all the sudden the doctor writes GIRL on the screen. I leaned up and said, “Are you serious?” and then burst into tears. I mean, overwhelming, uncontrollable sobbing took place. Then, Bryan started to cry and he was followed by our ultrasound doctor. Everyone in that room knew what this meant to me. The opportunity to have another girl is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. Later on when I sat in the room alone, I wept again and I haven’t stopped since Monday.

I love Corrie’s quote because having another girl has never been about replacing my love for Meredith with love for another child. I wasn’t trying to fill a void with my desire to have another girl. But, I have so much love for Mer that I cannot get to her because I am unable to touch, raise and speak to her. In many ways my love does feel blocked. I’ve also had to work so hard to keep my heart soft and open. It has been a struggle. Bitterness and pain try to creep in and there have been times that I thought I would just give up on really living life to the fullest. However, God always gave me enough strength and perseverance to keep my heart open. He has blessed me with a second chance at love with a wonderful husband and another route for my love to travel with the gift of this baby girl. Praise Him!

Mom brought us a blue and pink box to open depending on the gender. Of course, she started shopping long ago. So glad to see a pink dress, bonnett and shoes. Cannot wait!