Walking

The last few weeks have been full of activity and change. Bryan, the kids and I have moved into a new house that is big enough to fit all of us, and gets us close to all of our necessary destinations. It has been such a blessing to not face the commute to Wake Forest every day. Also, it has been so nice to set up our house together. In Wake Forest, half my stuff was at my old house and half of it was in the new one, and it made me feel scattered. Plus, I only had enough stuff at Bryan’s to create a modified bachelor pad. It just wasn’t me, sorry Bryan. Now, I feel settled in. The neighborhood we are in brings me peace. It provides a place for our boys to play and explore safely. It gives me the space to write again. We are so grateful for God’s hand in this whole process.

Since the move, I have had the oddest feeling. It has not been one of discontent, because I am happy and satisfied. I am not filled with worry. I am not numb. Honestly, I haven’t been able to identify my feelings.  Everyday I’ve been asking God to reveal why my soul is not settled. When I read yesterday’s devotion, things became so much clearer.

 “They who wait for the Lord…they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31, ESV

Oswald Chambers brings out a different perspective on this verse that fits me well. “There is no thrill in walking; it is the test of all the stable qualities. To walk and not faint is the highest reach possible for strength.”  

It’s so hard for me to just walk. The last few years have been full of fire drills and running. I have gone from one big event to the other: sickness, death, divorce, recovery, publishing, remarriage, court… I haven’t been in this place of “walking” in a long time. I don’t really know how to live this way. But, I love how Chambers describes this part of life. For someone who is so used to the thrills and almost invites them in, I need to be reminded that this desire is unhealthy and that I am not necessarily stronger living like this. This time of rest, reflection and slow paced walking is powerful. I can learn so much about God just walking with Him. I can also learn about myself. God is definitely stripping away the old Beth,  and making me into someone new. The process has been harsh at times, but full of mercy. It is worth it to serve and be used by Christ.