Heritage

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 (New King James Version)

Last year for Mother’s Day, my girlfriends took me on a beautiful and unforgettable cruise to the Caribbean. I was absolutely taken by the water, the fun all around me and the loyalty and commitment of my friends. It was a great experience and a much needed time of “make believe.” Honestly, I can hardly fathom that it has almost been a year since that trip. I remember how broken I was. I recall feeling like I would never feel anything but pain. Today I am thankful to say that on this Mother’s Day, I don’t have to be in a fantasy world to make it through. I can actually see myself living a purposeful life. The glimmer of hope I had has turned into a reality.

By God's grace, I have broken free from so many things this year. It has been a time of tremendous healing and ultimate freedom. The guilt, shame and pain I have felt surrounding all the events that have taken place in my life have been truly taken from me. I am a different person in so many ways. Through the years, I have wondered why God allowed all of my struggles to have taken place at one time. I wondered what purpose He had in allowing my daughter to get sick, my marriage to fall apart and in that mix, He gave me a new baby. Those occurrences seemed almost too much to bear. But, as I look back, each happening occurred to open my eyes to the truth about my life. If they all hadn’t happened simultaneously, I would not be in the safe and freeing place I am today. So, even though the events that took place were unbearable and horrific, they were all necessary.

Even though healing has taken place in my life, and many chains have been broken, the memories of where I have been still bring me to my knees. It is freeing to feel less pain on a continual basis when I think of Meredith’s death. But, when the memories surface and I remember the loss my soul is crushed. Being 2 years out from Meredith’s death is conflicting. On one hand, I am so grateful for the healing and progress. On the other hand, I am still overwhelmed and shocked by losing her. I am thankful for the time God has put between Mer’s death and the present, while at the same time, devastated that it has been so long since I have touched her.

On this Mother’s Day, God gave me Psalm 127:3, so I have spent the day exploring the word “heritage.” I know that Meredith’s life left a mark on humanity. God’s creation of her and his taking her were not mistakes. “God is sovereign and what He does is perfect. It doesn’t look perfect, but He’s over all and there are no accidents.” (Kay Arthur). Meredith left her own legacy, one that makes me proud to have been her Mom. What a reward it was for me to have Meredith for as long as I did. She was so amazing, and she brought me so much joy. Now that she is gone, I feel God wants me to continue to share her legacy with those of you who never knew her.

I’ve also pondered what my legacy is thus far. If my time ended at this moment, what would people say about me? Sure, I want people to say nice things, but what I really desire is to remembered as a survivor; an example, of living through your worst nightmare, by living for the Lord. I want people to know that you can lose almost everything, deemed important in this world, but can be held together and made whole again through Christ. I don’t really know what my legacy will look like in the end, but God has commanded me to expect Him to do greater things than He has ever done before.

My little man...a true Mother's Day Miracle!