Visions

My emotions have been absolutely wild lately. My feelings rotate in this order: anger, anxiety, peace numbness, frustration, fear. Then, I regroup and get back to the place God requires of me consistently, complete surrender. There are so many things to be angry about, but the pressing issue for me is being unproductive. I don’t mean lazy, as I am not, but I want to move forward, I want to have my plans in place…know what my immediate future holds. I have all these things that are unfinished or are “in process.” It drives me crazy! I am like The Closer on TNT; I like to problem solve, execute and close! I get a thrill out of being productive. When I revert to my old ways, things always get harder for me. Simple tasks, like vacuuming, become moments of intense frustration. Normal activities, like brushing my teeth involve stress…I stub my toe on the way to the bathroom, the toothpaste tube won’t fit in the holder correctly and falls over, or I get engrossed in something like transferring all my home videos onto Moviemaker and the program won’t let me pan or zoom. UGH, my stress level is increasing as I remember these events!!! These simple yet annoying occurrences remind me that I am not in control of my life anymore. I cannot problem solve, execute and close my pain, or my future. The path for my life has already been placed before me. It is up to me if I walk that path or if I make my own. God has given me a vision for my future. The details are hidden, but the vision is clear.

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it’s enough for me that He knows about them. That’s why He sometimes shows us things, you know--- to tell us that this too is in His hands.” Betsie ten Boom, The Hiding Place.

There is a great deal of fear revolving around having this new vision. The first vision I had was right around the time that I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. I remember distinctly crying on the floor in Meredith’s room. I was frightened by the idea of having two babies so close together, but what made me cry the most was this very thought, “I wonder if God gave me this baby because something is going to happen to Meredith.” I wept at the very thought. Eventually, I wrote it off as a fear and continued focusing on freaking out about have Irish Twins. But, when my vision became a reality in January of 2008, I knew that the image I received standing at Meredith’s crib was not given to me by accident.

Now God has given me another vision and instead of waiting for it to be unveiled piece by piece, I want to direct it. Yesterday’s devotion was written to me… “So often we mar God’s designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful.” I am incredibly guilty of this! It is a daily battle to match my fears with God’s truths. My past proves that God has always provided financially, emotionally, and spiritually for my children and for me. Thus, my goal is to once again walk the road of true dependence and ultimate surrender. Prayers are welcome!

“Some knowledge is too heavy…you cannot bear it…

your Father will carry it until you are able.”

Casper ten Boom- The Hiding Place