Peace

August 8, 2009
I have learned a lot about life in a short amount of time. I am thankful for most of those lessons. As I sit in my house tonight, I am at peace. I had a great time with my son, with my best friend and with the DVR (I love that thing). Last year at this time, I was so depressed I thought I might not survive. It had only been 4 months since Meredith died, I was in the midst of a custody battle with my ex, I had a 5 month old son and was living with my sister. Whew, times were tough---everything was a battle. I had to fight for my life and for my son’s life. So, today reminded me of how far I have come and how peace finds you when you are looking for it.
One of the things I have learned through losing my daughter has been to cherish your children. I so enjoyed being with Tyler today. We went to the park, rested, ate and played. We danced to Barney and Friends and I tickled him with my feet. His laughter made my heart rejoice. He was a gift from the Lord and I will forever be grateful… I wrote this in my journal a year ago and it remains so true…“I know God gave me Tyler so I could live. If he wasn’t here, I would have given up. I am not kidding, I love my family and friends but my love for Tyler exceeds all. I love my children with a deep and passionate love. It is indescribable but extremely real.”
I can’t think of anything better than just being with your child. That is why I have often wondered why Meredith was taken from me. I mean, I love being with my kids. I know it is exhausting, frustrating, and at times infuriating. There are even sometimes you think you are going to go mad. But, days like today remind me how precious life can be when you spend quality time with the ones that really love you.
There isn’t a day that I don’t miss my daughter. Having Tyler does not fill the void that she has left in my heart. Yes, he is a great comfort, but there will always be a part of me that is missing. In the midst of my grief, I will persevere, as I have another child who needs me to be a good mom. And I know that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:3-5)