Blog Anxiety

Okay, so I am attempting the whole blog thing. I went to a class on "Taking the Blah out of your blog" this weekend and essentially learned I know nothing about the blog world. I cannot keep up with the technology explosion that occurs every week it seems. I've got to stay focused though. This is one of my goals for the next 8 weeks, to create a really interesting and thought provoking blog.

Today was exhausting. My back hurts, heart feels weighted and my mind is all over the place. I'm in that comfortable stage of grief right now- it's called denial and numbness. I look at all the pictures I have around my house of Meredith and I am sad, but I quickly move to the next thing. This usually means that in a few days I will be in complete despair over the loss of my daughter. I want to hold it off, somehow avoid it for just one month of my life. But, I know it is on the horizon whether I like it or not.

I've gone back to teaching part-time and have enjoyed the challenges of my work and the camaraderie of my coworkers. However, it can be hard to act normal all day when what I really want to say is, I am the grieving mother of a baby who was taken from me by cancer. The thing is my coworkers already know this. They walked through much of my journey with me. Some even took days off of work to stay with Tyler for me at the Ronald McDonald House when Mer was at Duke. They don't need me to remind them of my pain. I know they know. They are good to me and I am thankful.

God has given me a lot to think about the last few weeks. Most of all, he continually brings John 11 to my attention. Frankly, I feel like I have heard the story of Lazarus so many times I could repeat it's details to you verbatim. How foolish I was to think that I knew the story of Lazarus and didn't need to hear it another time. When I read the verses again, I felt like Mary. In verse 32 she says the words I sometimes utter in my deepest times of despair, "Lord, if you had been here, my (daughter) would not have died" (my version). The truth is, God was there with me that day Meredith died. He was with me before that moment and since. It is sometimes baffling for me to understand that indeed God was present and he indeed allowed my baby girl to be taken from my arms. But, his reasoning is far beyond my capacity to understand.

I find comfort in verse 4 when Jesus says, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." I can stand before you right now and say that my child didn't die for trivial reasons. Her death has affected all those who fell in love with her during and after her lifetime. Many of you gathered around me since January 17, 2008 and have not only watched God work but have grown to love him more. I know Meredith's life did not end in death. Yes, her physical presence is no longer with us, but as John 11:4 says, her life was created by God and was used so that Jesus may be glorified.