I try never to cry in front of Tyler. Today this goal was unreachable. We were walking outside to check the mail and stroll by the creek before bath time and I noticed our shadows. It was so cute. Tyler is walking so well now and seeing his little shadow made me smile. It also reminded me that Meredith was missing. It reminded me that she never got the chance to walk on this Earth. I will never see the three shadows that should be there. Then, there is always the tub experience. Tyler plays so wonderfully and loves to get a bath. But, once again, it looks bare as I see only him and not my precious punkin’ in there with him.
I could feel the tears coming. It doesn’t take long. Grief erupts from my soul. My stomach aches with nausea and the groans that follow are painful. I know this grief has to come, as it waits for me until I succumb to it. One day it won’t be so debilitating, but for now it rocks me to the core.
My little Pookie looked at me completely perplexed. Then, his tears came. He cried just like me. He in the tub... me sitting on the edge. We both wept. I kept trying to reassure him that I was okay. I explained to him that I am not hurt on the outside; I just hurt on the inside. He wanted me to hold him and make him feel safe. As I took him in my arms and wrapped him with a fuzzy towel, I was reminded that I feel this way too. And when I ask to be held, I am softly taken into the Father’s arms.
This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held.
Held by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Wells (a dear friend of mine)
3 comments:
I love that song and I love reading your posts - even if it always makes me cry. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. - Denise
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your pain. Remember always your tears are a gift - not a sign of weakness but the sign of a depth of feeling too great for words. The reason you didn't see Meredith's shadow is that she shines too brightly to make one; but I have NO doubt she was on that walk with you and her little brother. Love, Helen
i didn't know that you knew christa...that song pierced my soul from the first time i heard it...just like your story - your strength in the midst of suffering that points directly to our heavenly father...keep on glorifying him girl...you are being used in big ways
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