Disappointed

I have been running around like a busy bee for the last month. I have so many projects going on that only I could dream up. No one does the things I do. I am addicted to organizing and simplifying. The other night, I spent hours transferring all of my college photos from their present albums into a more aesthetically pleasing album. Don’t ask why I decided to do that. I don’t have a good answer.
I know I have been staying busy to avoid my feelings of disappointment. If I can keep my mind and hands busy, I can look at pictures of Meredith, cry a few tears and get back to the tasks I have before me. If I keep running from God, I can pretend to not be disappointed in him. If only I could keep up this pace each and every moment. But, I cannot. Yesterday was one of those days where God simply gave me very little drive to work on my projects. I tried to stay numb by watching one of my favorite shows, but my mind and heart was focused one thing, being disappointed.
I’m disappointed in so many things. I absolutely hate the fact that my daughter was taken from me by cancer. Some days I wake up and still cannot believe it is true! It is unbearable to face the fact that God didn’t give me the results I begged him for. The sadness I feel over living without my daughter paralizes me some days. The pain seems unbearable at times and I often wonder how I have survived this long with a broken heart.
I am disappointed that I am divorced- that all the hard work, prayer and hope I had could not save my marriage. I am disappointed that my son is going to come from a broken home and will have to divide his time between two families.
I have spent a lot of time begging God to turn my sorrow over these disappointments into perseverance and strength. I want to use my mourning to minister to others. I want others to see that you can be faced with unimaginable tragedies and never give up hope. But, it is a struggle! I just cannot bring myself to rejoice in my suffering as Romans 5:3-5 says, “Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” This seems unattainable to me right now, but I know that in the end, I will not be disappointed by the things God has walked me through this past year and a half.
As I continue to press God for answers about Meredith's death, he always gives me a verse or comment to provide me with peace. He has been so faithful in so many ways and walks with me through all of my misery. As I was working on my Bible Study, “Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark” by Jennifer Rothschild, I was struck by a verse in First Corinthians chapter 13 verse 12 (NIV). It reads, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” This verse provided some much needed comfort for me. I know I have heard a million times that I will understand everything when I get to Heaven, but I need to be reminded of this constantly. When I visualize what this verse means, I see myself standing before God and looking into his eyes. Instead of asking him, Why? I just understand. No words are exchanged, no long explanations are needed, I am at peace with knowing fully everything God promised me.
I yearn for the day that I will feel at peace. I cannot wait to meet my Savior and to hold the daughter I have missed so dearly. I pray they will both be proud of me for clinging on to this life that seems incredibly disappointing at times.
Beth