Dreaming of Where to Go...

April 27, 2009I believe I have made it through the “firsts” of my journey without Meredith. I survived Christmas, her birthday, Easter, the day of her death and now my first fundraiser for brain cancer research. Saturday was a strange day for me. I saw Dr. G. for the first time since he showed me Mer’s last MRI the day she died. I saw survivors walking around the grounds with family members praising God for their progress, and I wept at the “Wall of Honor” as I read stories of people who had fought a good fight, but ultimately lost the battle. I was pleased with our t-shirts for Meredith as they truly encompassed the feelings I have in so many ways. Romans 8:37 reads, “… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us” (ASV). No, we have not triumphed over cancer, but with God’s help, we can live through it. I find a great deal of strength in this verse. It reminds me that I can make it from the beginning to the end of this life. There are days where it just seems daunting, demanding and arduous, but the fact remains that I can conquer all the things that I face with God’s help.
I’ve had a reoccurring dream the past few weeks. It takes place in a high school and I am a student. I am in class and the bell rings. I have to go to the next destination, but I don’t know what class I am signed up to attend. I wonder around aimlessly searching for the next place but stand in the halls confused. Finally, I go to the main office and ask them to print me off a new schedule. They comply and I quickly place it in my pink planner (this is so me, isn’t it?) The dream ends…The other night, I had the same dream but it had some additions to it. This time the bell rang and I went to grab my planner, knowing I had gotten an additional printout, but the planner was gone! I could not believe it. I went into the halls and there I saw my little girl in a class with other children. I was surprised as I had not seen her or known what was going on with her. She was still sick with cancer but she was walking. Her teacher was surprised when I demanded to know why I hadn’t been informed of her status and progress. I could not believe that I was not being updated. He went on to tell me that “it was not looking good” and she was still having major issues. I immediately grabbed her and said I would take care of nursing her back to health. Yes, I would fix her. The next scene was me in a classroom crying that Meredith had died.I rarely dream about Meredith, I can only hope one day she will frequent them. But, when she is in my dreams, I know I need to pay attention. I’ve interpreted this dream in many ways thus far. I believe I am at a crossroads in my life. I have to start over, reinvent myself, as I am no longer the old Beth. However, I am not sure exactly where to go. I am no longer Meredith’s Mom and Chris’s Wife. I am just Beth- and quite frankly I don’t know what to do with myself. I know my life journey is supposed to be used for God, but as my dream depicts, I am not sure which way to go. I am stuck in the hallways of life WITHOUT my pink planner. For those of you who know me well, you know how I hate to not plan things out. It is part of my personality and now I sit here and I mentally, physically and emotionally cannot plan. I know this is another “test” that will one day complete my “testimony,” but it is difficult and awkward for me. I want to know the rest of the story. I want to have a clear focus. I desire to know which path I take in life, and where I will end up. Waiting on the Lord is unbelievably difficult. So is trying to understand Him, ugh!
I think this dream reveals that no matter what obstacles our children face, we believe deep down we can cure them with our love and devotion. Oh, how I wish I could have changed the outcome of my daughter’s battle with cancer. I would have done anything, no matter what sacrifices had to be made. However, she was not mine to fix as I gave her to the Lord the day I birthed her. I told Him Meredith was His and so it was up to Him to fix her, which He did.
I would love my life to have turned out differently. I look at pictures of me as a young girl and I cannot believe that innocent girl has lived through this kind of heartache. I carry on though, walking through doors that are open and sometimes knocking on those that are closed. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Psalm 5:3).
Beth