Faith does not Insist Upon an Explanation!

I did write on Mer's death day, but was at the beach and could not update the Carepage immediately. The ocean was the perfect place to spend this time of grieving as it is a powerful example of God's glory. I spent a lot of time calling out for God's mercy as the pain seems like it will ultimately kill me. I asked Him to take shoulder some of my heartache so that I could live another day. He did as I asked and I do feel better. He's always there to carry me when I just can't walk any more. I just want to thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement. I have been blessed by what you have shared with me and how my daughter has inspired you to love the Lord more and to surrender all to Him. Keep praying as they say the second year can be harder than the first. Love you all, Beth

April 14, 2009
I cannot believe I made it to this day. How painful it has been to get through a year filled with extreme heartache and significant stress. My emotions go from disbelief to shock, to numbness and denial. Last night my body fought off what felt like a heart attack, then complete nausea. I am physically ill thinking about Meredith being dead. I mean, my body hurts just as much as my heart and soul do. I wept a thousand tears last night out of pure exhaustion and pain. I cried out to the Lord, “WHY??!!!” I am desperate for Him to take the throbbing away, but I know deep down that it will be my constant companion till I see Meredith again in Heaven.

My Mom and I spent an hour or so watching videos of Mer today. I knew this would be difficult but I needed to see her healthy, alive, happy. My visions of her are plagued with IVs, medicine and her lying in a bed almost paralyzed. Those three months practically wiped out the eleven I had with her healthy and strong. I needed to see her the way God made her, serious as times, happy, and screeching. It was so refreshing to see that laugh again. At the same time, it was absolutely confusing. Cancer can literally take a healthy and vibrant child and kill him/her in weeks. I just cannot believe the baby on those videos is the same one who was completely changed and physically destroyed by cancer. It is unreal, unimaginable and deplorable.I was reading through my devotion a couple of days ago and I stopped at the 14th to see what the Lord wanted me to read on the day of my baby’s death. I was pleased to see who the writer was, Elisabeth Elliot. I have been touched by her writings in the past as she has endured great losses in her lifetime. She reflected on James 1:17, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness (unpredictability), neither shadow of turning.” I love that this is the verse He gave her, to bless me with, on this day because I know that Meredith was a perfect gift sent from above to change my life and the lives of so many who knew her. Elisabeth wrote, “Sometimes we want things we were not meant to have. Because He loves us, the Father says no. Faith is willing not to have what God is not willing to give. Furthermore, faith does not insist upon an explanation. It is enough to know His promises to give what is good—He knows so much more about us than we do.” This paragraph gave me some clarity in a way. I have expressed often to the Lord and those who are close to me, my frustration with the Lord’s choice to take Meredith. I am a firm believer that Christ could have stopped the cancer cells from ever appearing, I also trusted that God could completely annihilate the cells when they were there killing my child; I had faith in modern medicine and many of the physicians who tirelessly worked to save my child. I know God could have changed the course of events in an instant. I also recognize that God said no. I have to accept and be willing to live with this answer without demanding an explanation. I just do not know if I can actually do this. My faith seems so fragile right now as I struggle to understand God and His decisions. But, I now know what I have to work to do.

Just a little advice: video your children, one day your memories will fade and those tapes will be the key to your past and may even reveal some of your future.
Love,Beth