Some Thoughts

Memories are the key not to the past but to the future. Corrie Ten Boom

I painted this quote on the wall of my halfbath last week. I needed something profound to look at when I am walking around my house cleaning up after Tyler, decorating, and doing all the things I do each day. When I was searching for a quote, I immediately thought of Corrie Ten Boom. She was an amazing woman who faced horrific losses and in the end her rewards were grand. I think about this quote often as the memories of the last year seem to be debilitating at times. Right now my memories physically and emotionally hurt me. But, I know that one day the pain will not be so unbearable even though it will always be present. I definitely have hope that my memories will one day open doors to vast opportunities to help others, to inform, to encourage. Only God knows what will come of my past, present and future.One of my recent tussles with God has been over the big and most obvious question I mull over day after day, “Why, Meredith?” I have challenged God with this question a million times over the last 10 months. When I shared my recent thoughts with Cat, she reminded me of the story in Genesis 32:22-31 where Jacob wrestles with God and refuses to stop wrestling him until God blesses him. It is so interesting to reflect on all that I have endured, and to see that in every wrestling match I have had with God, I never give up and somehow He indeed always blesses me. The blessings are neither what I expect nor what I necessarily want, but they are indeed blessings. As I have been asking God the question, “Why?”, He has revealed many truths to me. The first one being, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). I have heard this verse many times, but apparently it hasn’t sunk in over the last 32 years of my life. I can assure you that when you are reminded of this truth continually in a short period of time, you start to get it. Even though I try to constantly find answers to Meredith’s death, I will never know why God did not stop the cancer or why He did not perform a miracle I know He is capable of doing. These answers are hidden, they are mysteries that only God knows the answers to.Another truth God has laid on my heart lately is, life isn’t fair and you either spend your time trying to make it fair or you trust that God is in control and He will grant justice when the time is right. I cannot help but ponder the idea of fairness. It certainly isn’t fair that I lost my daughter; it isn’t fair that my marriage didn’t work even though I was desperate for it to; it isn’t fair that I have to rely on others to sustain me financially while I figure out where God is leading Tyler and me. I want justice NOW, I want redemption NOW, I don’t want to wait years to see God prevail over my struggles. In Psalm 28, David calls to the Lord and begs Him to not turn a deaf ear to him, “For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.” (Psalm 28:1) There are definitely those times where I feel like God is silent and unfair, usually when something isn’t going the way I want it to. It is so tempting to want to take control of the situations that I face, but each time I try to move without HIS blessing, it turns out to be a catastrophe! God keeps reminding me that I have to surrender all of my worries, fears and most of all my pain to Him. It is a daily battle but a necessary one. This song keeps coming to my mind as I am writing… It is by Clay Crosse and is entitled, I Surrender All, and the chorus sums it all up for me.
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams/Though the price to follow costs me everything/I surrender all my human soul desires/If sacrifice requires/That all my kingdoms fall/I surrender all
Keep our families in your prayers this Christmas as we face it without our little Mer who lit up the room and brought smiles to our faces each and every day. Thank you for your persistent prayers, your support and for showing us what God’s love is all about.
Love , Beth