I don’t know if I have mentioned this before on the Carepage, but the number 14 has become the day of each month that I most dread as well as the day of the month I am reminded that God speaks to us so clearly when we are willing to listen. Just like everything else in my life, I feel a great sense of grief and depression and at the same time feel a smidgen of joy. It is hard to believe that six months ago my baby girl, Mer, died and went to Heaven. I remember so clearly when Dr. G. called me and said, “Beth, it has gotten worse, the cancer has grown and there is nothing else we can do.” I thought I was going to die. I kicked and screamed with all my might. I knew that is was going to be bad. God had prepared my heart a few days before she got her MRI. I don’t remember that much after the news, I was in total shock and despair, but I do recall God telling me something very specific. He whispered in my ear, “fourteen.” I didn’t tell anyone until later because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to be a prophet or think I was crazy. But, it was then that I knew in my heart that Meredith would be going to join Jesus on that day. As we went through the next two days, preparing for her to die, there was so much pain and so much suffering, not by Mer but by us. She was quiet and peaceful and I was so frightened to watch her die that I prayed I would be asleep when it happened. However, two minutes before she passed, Meredith hit me with her arm (she hadn’t moved in days) to wake me up. My mother and aunt had been watching her and counting her breaths, so they confirmed that this happened. I cuddled her into my arms and she took her last breath.
That was six months ago today that I held me precious baby and gave her back to the one who gave her to me. As I write this down, I cannot help but weep with the deepest most painful tears. These tears are familiar as I cry them each and every day. There is no break in grief, there are no days off, and every minute of every day I am consumed with the thought that Meredith is gone. Yes, I am alive, and I am hopeful, but I wear a heavy weighted jacket each day of my existence. Everyone says that it will get easier…I just can’t imagine not feeling this way. One day I know I will feel joy again, God tells me this all the time in my devotions and Bible Study. “The Lord will be your everlasting light, And your days of sorrow will end (Isaiah 60:20b).” In John 16:21-22, God’s Word says, “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”
I am including some new pictures of a quilt that was made using Meredith’s clothes and other items that I treasure. An AMAZING woman named Kim, offered to make this for me right after Mer had passed away. We were strangers, but the Lord brought us together through the Carepage website. I could never repay her for what she did for me. It is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen in my life. I hope you enjoy seeing it.
“My grace is sufficient for you, For my power is made perfect in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9
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