Christmas Without Mer

I survived my first Christmas without Meredith. Christmas Day was okay because it was enjoyable watching Tyler and the boys open presents. I was able to be happy celebrating his first Christmas. Thank you Lord for that little boy! He is my saving grace. Yesterday was tough though. I kept really busy on Christmas Eve and Day so I would be distracted, but with all the activities over, I just allowed the realities of my life to set in. I walked around Belks and all I could think about was that I had an amazing, beautiful, full of life baby girl a year ago and now she is dead. That pesky question, "Why" crept back into my mind and I started asking God what in the world He was thinking by not curing her. It just devastates me to actually think about losing her. I sometimes feel that I cannot and do not want to go on. One of the answers I have been searching for from God is..." since He created the Heavens and the Earth, mankind, everything that we see physically on this planet, did He also create cancer, and if He did, why?" I have come to the conclusion through a lot of research that God did not actually create cancer but He did ALLOW it to happen. So, again I ask Him, WHY? I can somewhat understand the whole idea of lung cancer as a result of years of smoking, but brain cancer in a baby? It perplexes me greatly. I was reminded once again that no answer that God were to give me would ever make it okay. There is no reason that could ever make it worth the sacrifice of my child. So, I am back where I have been many times before. I am thankful that my daughter is in a better place, that she is healthy and happy. I cannot wait to see her again and dread that it could be years before that day arrives, and I am so grateful that I was given a son to fill me up with love and laughter in such a sad and devastating time. Most of all, I am thankful that Christ was born in a little manger in Bethlehem, lived a pure and holy life, died on a cross for my sins and was resurrected from the dead and lives in my heart today. I never knew how much I needed God until He was all I had.The other day, I was watching the Chronicles of Narnia written by C.S. Lewis, and there was a scene that I could relate to in many ways. It is right after Aslan was resurrected and the soon to be King, Prince Caspian, was fighting a long and tough battle against the Queen of Narnia. They had been at war for quite some time and the young King's army was being defeated. He is in a sword fight with the Queen and he is holding his own for the most part. He has a mighty sword, armor and heart, but eventually he tires from swinging his sword for side to side, up and down. The enemy is powerful and determined, and he is weakening under the constant attack. Suddenly, the Prince loses his sword and the Queen begins to lift her weapon and is ready to take his life. Suddenly, Aslan comes up from behind the young Prince and defeats the evil Queen easily and quickly.I can totally relate to Prince Caspain. I am trying my best to stay strong, to use God's promises and His Word daily, but I am exhausted from the length and extent of my battles, I am stressed and weak too. The enemy is closing in and is ready to destroy me every time I turn my back. It feels that evil is winning and it looks bleak for me...I am ready to give up, to lie down and accept my defeat, but just when I cannot swing my sword one more time, Christ comes quickly to my rescue for He is my rock, my refuge and my fortress (Psalms 31:2). Thank you Lord, for reminding me of who you are and who you want me to be!The Armor of GodEphesians 6:10- 20Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Beth