The Hard Journey Goes On...

Today Tyler is 11 months old and Meredith would be one month shy of two years old. I cannot believe that Tyler will be one year old next month. Sometimes I don’t know where the time goes while other times a day feels like an eternity. We’ve had a rough year, Tyler and I. He was such a trooper though. He’s known all along exactly how much I can handle and is always there when I need him. There are so many times when I have wanted to give up, but one look at those blue eyes and his fuzzy hair and I knew it was not an option. He needs me and he provides me with so much joy in the midst of unbearable pain.A year ago, yesterday, was the day that my precious little one began getting sick. We all thought it was just the flu- I was worried, but not alarmed. Little did I know that January 14, 2007 would be the beginning of her battle with Medulloblastoma. I will never forget when I was discharged from the hospital after my preterm labor scare and before her diagnosis, how sick my little Meredith was. My Mom and I had been holding her constantly and I was getting ready to go to an appointment. I was in a rush and I put Meredith down on the floor and she tried to crawl but cried instead. She was so weak, probably scared and all she wanted was her Mommy to hold her. I remember being frustrated and saying, “Come on Mer, you can crawl!” I hate that memory. No, I had no idea she was so sick and it wasn’t like I was neglecting her, but I hate that memory. I just wish I never failed her. I wish I had picked her up immediately. If only I could pick her up now I would be ecstatic. I wanted so badly for her to be healed on this Earth. I am mad that this is my life. I don’t want to be the one who has lost a child. I don’t want to live for the next 50 years with this kind of piercing pain. I yearned for a miracle and although God gave Mer the greatest gift of all, I want her to be back in my arms.I have been so sad lately. I mean the type of sadness that makes you feel like a fake. I can tend to my son, help out friends, go on job interviews and look “normal.” However, on the inside, I ache all over. I feel like I have arthritis of the soul. I started the new Bible Study from Beth Moore on Esther this week. I absolutely love Beth…she makes studying the Bible exciting and inviting. She said something pertaining to God’s miracles that went a little like this,
Sometimes the miracles we are looking for from God are not the ones we are expecting. “It can be when He enables us to do what we know we cannot do, that is the real miracle."
So many of you ask or wonder how I have made it through all of these losses. Well, I believe Beth Moore encompassed it all with that response. HE enables me to do what I cannot do by myself. Without God, I would be so worthless, troubled and most of all useless. His power in my weakness has brought me through these raging waters and I thank Him that He continues to stand beside me as I fight through this grief one moment at a time. God gives me hope each day that as He shows me his faithfulness, His power, and He assures me that my soul will be at rest one day. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him (Psalm 62:5). But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me (Micah 7:7).
Keep those prayers coming.

Love you all,

Beth