What If?

The start of April always brings intense and overwhelming feelings. I’ve been really focused on Mer this month and last Saturday I felt such heaviness I was like a zombie walking around. Every year I know April 14th is coming. Every year I feel unprepared to handle the day I lost my first baby to cancer. Every day I take another breath and push through not knowing when the pain will bare down on me so hard that I feel I cannot take another step. I always make it through. But, it is not without great heartache.

I’ve told the story of Meredith a lot this month. Not because I brought it up but because someone asked or a question led me into my story. So, i’ve been going over the details of Mer’s life and death quite a bit. But, I think the one question that hit me hardest was from my eight year old nephew, Jack. Just out of the blue last Saturday he asked,

“Auntie Beth, What if Mer Mer came back to life?”

I answered quickly, “It would be the happiest day of my life!” I love that Jack was thinking of Mer. We hadn’t talked about her at all since we had been together and he was just 1 year old when Mer died. So, the fact that this little boy is thinking of her warms my heart. But, my heart quickly began to break as I pondered this question over and over.

What if Mer stood before me on this Earth today?

-She would be 8 years old

-She would be in second grade

-She would have been in the family Easter picture

-She would be asking me to play my phone or tablet and driving me crazy about it

-She would have been all dressed up for Easter with a pink dress on and bow in her hair

-She would have fought me on wearing a pink dress and bow in her hair

-She would have stick-straight, tangly hair

-She would have her ears pierced

-She would have an Irish twin, named Tyler who drove her crazy

-She would be reading to me at night before bed

-She would be learning to subtract and add double digits

-She would be joyful, sensitive and serious

-She would love to laugh and play

-She would get hurt on the trampoline because Tyler double bounced her

-She would be playing with the neighbors, riding her bike and scootering

-She would kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me

-She would be my little girl who is growing up too fast

-She would be in my arms wrapped tightly

-She would be loved and cherished beyond comprehension

The reality is, Mer is not here and she is not coming back. It has been 7 years since she took her last breath. It has been seven years of pain, perseverance and healing. It has not been an easy road. But, one day I will see her again and just as imagined that day with Jack, it will indeed be the happiest day of my life.

Seven years ago this month my niece, Meredith Edwards passed away from brain cancer at the age of one. We planted this pink dogwood in her memory. Each year at this time, without fail, it blooms reminding us of of His presence and glory! We are thankful for the many memories we shared with Meredith! We serve an awesome God! Mike & Kim Williams