Sadie Grace!

I cannot believe how long it has taken me to be able to get to a computer and journal. Life has been non-stop. A little over a month ago, Sadie Grace came into this world and let me just say she has rocked it ever since. Time has passed so quickly that I can hardly comprehend the reality that I am a mom again. Bryan and I totally agree that we forgot the aches and pains of having another baby. We are definitely rusty!

Sadie Grace's birth was similar to Tyler's-- fast and furious. On the 24th, I had early labor and thought for sure she was coming. I called my parents and they drove down that night from VA and as soon as they arrived, everything came to a screeching hault. My dad kept saying, "this baby is coming till the 5th of May, I am telling you, she isn't coming tonight." Bryan agreed that I was pushing it and I needed to be patient. Ugh, I couldn't imagine my parents staying till the 5th (even though I love them both dearly) and could not bare the thought of them leaving and missing the big day. So, we all went to bed and decided to make a decision on the future later. 

April 25th, I woke up at 7:30am and was feeling fine. I decided that I would take Tyler to school and take it easy at home. 8:30 rolled around and I had a few mild contractions. At 9:00, Dad started driving Tyler and I to his school and my labor picked up aggressively. As I walked Tyler into school, I doubled over in pain and I knew I was in active labor. Hiding it from Ty, I quickly limped back to the car and immediately called hotline. The nurse instructed me to go to the office to get checked. I found this odd as I was in extreme pain and in freak-out mode. But, I obeyed and well it turned out that I was 5-6 cm and I needed to get to Wake Med pronto. By that time, Bryan was waiting in the car downstairs with mom. I got in the car and we were off. It was 9:55 am. I knew this baby was going to come quickly since I labored and delivered in 3 hours with Tyler. I began to freak out a bit in the car. Bryan was completely calm and focused. I was all over the place--screaming to drive faster, instructing him to run lights on New Bern Ave, accusing him of driving slow. He was unaffected and continued to drive safely and within the limits of the law. Mom was in the back telling me to breathe. She was timing my contractions and trying to calm me down. The pain was excrushiating. I knew that my hopes of an epidural and pain free child birth was quickly disappating. Oh, how I dreamed of that kind of birth.

When we arrived, I began telling every Wake Med staff person I wanted drugs. I knew my window of opportunity was narrowing. I believe I told the janitor I wanted drugs.  I didn't care who gave it to me--I just wanted them. I made it to the delivery room by 10:22 and Dr. Harden arrived. What a relief, he delivered Meredith and Tyler. I knew I was in good hands. Unfortunately, he could care less that I wanted an epidural as he immediately broke my water. 24 minutes later, Sadie Grace entered the world. I think Dr. Harden summed up the experience the next morning when he asked, "Do you have PTSD after that birth?"

But, it was worth it when I saw her sweet little face. She had a full head of dark brown hair and cute little lips. She looks so different from Mer and Ty. They both had blond hair and fair skin, Sadie looks like a mini Bryan. It does look like she will have blue eyes like Ty and I though. We like to say that she's like us in that way. She acts like me too-- high maintenance and stubborn. I was hoping she would be more like her daddy, but I can see her spunk already.

I've had some time to really think about Sadie's arrival and the gift that she is to me lately. Ephesians 1:11 stood out to me in one of my quiet times. It says, 11-12 It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone." (MSG)

It's been hard over the years to make sense of God's plan for my life and especially my children's. But, I love this reminder that God has designed a glorious plan for all of us. Even though there has been intense pain over extreme loss, it feels good to have intense joy over what I have gained. Sadie Grace does not replace my dear daughter in Heaven, but what she does do is bring back my happy memories of Meredith. Seeing her in some of Mer's clothes makes me smile. Listening to her scream in her crib for 15 minutes and then becoming silent and falling asleep in my arms after 1 minute makes me remember Meredith. Hearing people describe her as a "doll" reminds me of Meredith. All the memories Sadie evokes in me remind me of the good times with Mer. The bad times have fallen away in the distance while the good ones continue to bubble to the surface. What a precious gift this it to her mommy. I'm looking forward to making new memories with Sadie Grace too. I know God had his eye on all of us when he gave her to our family.