Fiery Fears

I’m so glad to be able to write again on a regular basis. It is truly the most therapeutic and healing thing that I do. The last several months, I have been working on an enormous project that pretty much took all of my emotional, spiritual and physical energy. Writing seemed like a burden during that time. Now that this project is over, I feel the urge to get my thoughts on paper. Every time I sit down to purge on paper, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. God created me to write and to share. I am so glad to have the time to do it.


The last few days, I have been engulfed by helplessness and fear. These are feelings I fight from time to time, and I have high hopes that one day they turn into strength and courage. But, for now, I still struggle to surrender my fears to God. I’ve been praying, processing and pondering how to let go of this anxiety that stirs within me and truly trust God. I want to live like a mature Christian who deals with things spiritually right away by not worrying, fretting and wallowing in self-pity. How I yearn to skip these steps! But, I know that I am not there yet. I have so much to learn about surrendering, so much to learn about waiting on God’s timing.

I often feel like I go from one fiery trial to the next and in the midst of these times, I lose perspective on what God has done for me. I have spent so many days and nights fixated on my own issues, my own disappointments—all the while neglecting the people God wants to me to focus on. It’s really neat to see how God has been specifically refocusing my energy and time. Over the course of the last two weeks, there have been two days that I laid in bed in some seriously deep despair. Both of those days, I was contacted by two women who needed me. Each one needing me to encourage them, advise them, and love on them. I honestly felt I had NOTHING to give. I could hardly care for myself. It is in those times that I realize that what I am truly meant to do in this life has nothing to do with my strength, knowledge and ability. What God requires of me is to let all of that pride go and lean solely on Him for what I am to give to others.

Yesterday, I heard such a precious promise from the Lord. One of my biggest fears is for Tyler to be damaged, hurt or distraught in some way. My heart literally aches when I think of him being sad or feeling abandoned by me. My heart’s desire is for him to feel safe. This protective passion burns so deep within me and it makes me either driven to provide it or paralyzed by fear when I cannot give it to him. It was so fitting that God reminded me of several verses about the refiner’s fire:

For you, God, tested us;

you refined us like silver. (Psalm 66:10, NIV)

You let people ride over our heads;

we went through fire and water,

but you brought us to a place of abundance. (Psalm 66:12, NIV)

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isa 43:2b, NIV)

Reading these verses gave me great encouragement, but Isa 43:2b gave me chill bumps. I am so worried about the future and what the effects of my present fire are going to be, but I felt like God was telling me not to worry about the future as HE would protect Tyler from my worst fears. He is always with us and safety and security comes only from Him, not my own hands or hopes.