Resting

I have spent the last few days soaking up the sun, eating delicious food and relaxing in every way imaginable. I have not been on vacation in over a year and I desperately needed the break. We have had some really neat experiences and a lot of quality time with family. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching Tyler on the beach. He and I are total beach bums! The other day, Ty and I were on the beach in the afternoon and I felt complete delight watching him run back and forth from the waves to the wading pool. He was so happy and I was too. Suddenly, a wave of grief hit me as I gazed at him against the ocean. I yearned to see Meredith running and playing beside him. I wanted to see them together, interacting-- enjoying each other. I began to weep as I contemplated the unfairness of Mer's death as well as the heartache I will endure until I see her again. I cried out to God, "I am supposed to have two children! Tyler is supposed to have a sister to play with! I am supposed to be mothering my daughter!" I miss her desperately.

It's so interesting how easily disbelief, questions and doubt resurface quickly and forcefully. In these moments, I feel abandoned by God. I cannot remember all the good, just pain and sorrow. But, it takes less time for me to come out of this state these days. I used to linger here for hours and days. Now, I am able to cry and allow God to comfort me and heal me. He's always there just waiting to lift me out of my pit onto solid ground.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9, NIV


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