Wrestling

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. Genesis 32:24 (NIV).

As I gaze into the pictures of my daughter, I see myself. It takes my mind a minute or two to register what is before my eyes. This child had my eyes and a piece of my soul within her, and now those eyes and that part of me are dead.

I cannot believe it has been almost two years since my nightmare began. It was this very weekend two years ago that my life would never be the same. The flashbacks have come on strong lately. I see myself in the hospital with Meredith. I remember the effects of the surgeries and chemotherapy. I cannot get the visions of her just lying there so sick out of my mind. The tears begin…these tears burn my eyes and send shooting pains to my brow. These are tears of intense anguish. Even though with every drop relief comes, they burn within me and lead me back to a place I have visited so many times before.

I cry out to the Lord, “Why?” I stand before Him in disbelief that He could allow my sweet precious baby to die.

Lately, my time with the Lord has been similar to a WWF wrestling match. I was reminded by my devotions this week that wrestling before God is actually His permissive will. Furthermore, “It is our reaction to the permissive will of God that enables us to get at His order”(Chambers, 1963). I have found this to be incredibly true. The more I grapple the more strength I receive.

Beware of squatting lazily before God instead of putting up a glorious fight so that you may lay hold of His strength. –Oswald Chambers

Chambers, O. (1963). My Utmost for His Highest. Barbour Publishing, Inc.