Acceptance

God does not comfort us to make us comfortable. But to make us comforters.

~John Henry Jowlett

It’s so tempting to avoid the memories of the past, to somehow fill my time with other people and things. I do a pretty good job of it. I have a lot of good and positive things to focus on. However, I can get so focused on my day to day tasks that I forget or avoid my grief. I know I need to stop and feel it. I have to release it. If I didn’t, it would fester within me and eventually ruin all the work and progress that I have made so far.

Sometimes I jot down all the things that Tyler is saying and doing on Sundays. I usually do it at church when my mind wonders (don't tell the pastor!). Today I was recording Tyler’s new sayings, like “not working!” (about his train) and “Baby Bop crying!?” (from Barney, of course). It is absolutely glorious and joyful to observe all of his new words and actions. He amazes me continuously with his antics. I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is such a gift. It is during these times that I can feel so much joy while at the same time feel utter grief. I don’t get to witness Meredith talking. I don’t get to see what she would be like with her peers and with her brother. I don’t get to see my daughter turn three next month. Cancer stole her from me and frankly I am angry and disappointed that my baby was the one. If only it could have been me…

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)

I made a promise to God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do with the rest of my life. Now I find myself upset with Him over what He has asked me to do. Without going into too much detail, God is asking me to go back through 2008 again. I have spent the last two years dealing with the events that transpired in my life. Finally, I am in a good place. Two years later, things are clearer and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have forgotten some of the horrific scenes that plagued my mind and heart on a daily basis. Now that I am stronger, He has asked me to revisit my story. Part of me never wants to read those words again. I want to block out every frightening detail. But, as I have prayed over and over about the next step I am to take, God leads me back to the words that He gave me during my journey. Although I am frightened to open up the painful memories, God reminded me in Isaiah 66:13 that, as a mother comforts her child, so will [He] comfort [me].

My acceptance of what God wants for me is crucial. As I watched the baby dedication this morning I was reminded of how serious God takes our promises. When I stood before the Lord and gave my baby girl to Him, I did it out of tradition as well as desire. I realized when God took Meredith to Heaven that I He hadn’t failed me by not healing her, He took my promise to heart, and He did what was right for her. It’s time for me to keep my promise to Him. I did all I could for Meredith her on Earth. And even though what God has asked me to do in the last few years of my life has left me brokenhearted and contrite, I know that “ God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Beth