Poster Child for Suffering

Fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. Daniel 10:19

As Christmas swiftly approaches, my thoughts and emotions shift from numbness and denial, to desperation and despair. Unfortunately, the celebration of Christ’s birth can be absolutely heartbreaking for a bereaved parent. It has been surreal to watch others prepare for the season of thanksgiving, joy and peace all the while thinking about what I’ve lost.

When I became a parent, I never imagined that I would have to let go of my child. I know God kept my mind from going down that road early on. If I, or any of us, concentrated on such a great loss, it would be such a bleak existence. But, once it has happened to you, the horror sets in that you will spend the rest of your life with an indescribable loss. It can make even the happiest times dreadful and lonely.

Being a bereaved parent defines who you are, realigns your thinking forever and makes you vulnerable to a sadness that penetrates every inch of your body. The suffering can be less evasive over time, but it never leaves. You can only heal but so much.

I have been pondering the healing that has taken place in my life since 2008. The road has been tough, sometimes unbearable, but through all of my suffering a great deal of comfort has been bestowed upon me. People have pointed out the blessings in my life over the past two years, but my mind and heart have been consumed with so much hurt and betrayal, I really could not comprehend these things. For the first time, I have been able to see the big picture. I have been able to see God's purpose in all my pain.

Today, one of the pastors at my church read this quote from George Mueller, “Our Father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.” As I began to analyze this quote I immediately thought…”Well, this does not apply to me because he cannot give me another baby that is better than Meredith.” But, then I realized that this quote is not about giving me a “better baby” or another baby at all. It’s about how God gives us a different perspective and focus when He takes things or people away. For me, He gave me a “Kingdom Focus” and for that I am grateful.

Losing Meredith has just about killed me, but it has also led me to the cross for every breath I take. I breathe because God wants me to, because He is not done with me on this Earth. I have been branded by Jesus and although it has been painful physically and emotionally, the presence of Christ in my life is worth it.