Thanking You This Thanksgiving!

Healing requires that in an act of faith, we turn from reliance on human strategies for healing and turn to God by choosing to face the truth and feel. (Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul, 2005).

During this time of the year, I want to run from the realities of my life and the feelings that come along with them. I fear an emotional avalanche coming on and it frightens me. I wish I could feel joy during the holidays. It has been so long since I have actually been excited about celebrating with family and friends. I try to just get through these times. But, Holidays are followed by the birthdays of a dead child, a living child, and finally the death anniversary of my precious Mer. I spend half of my year preparing for emotionally taxing months and the rest of the year getting through those months. I don’t want to sound like “Debbie Downer.” I do desire to walk around chipper and excited about things. I know I won’t always feel this way. I know it will get better as more healing takes place.

This year I wanted to create a list of what I was thankful for, but it never came to fruition. I want to put into words the gratitude I feel toward God, my family, and my precious friends,but I don’t even know where to start. I knew this process would also require me to “face the truth and feel,” which is something I avoid continually. As I was working on my Bible Study this week, I read the first step in healing from an unhealthy relationship. Stage 1 is to Establish Safety. As I began to ponder this stage, it reminded me of the amazing job my family and friends have done to provide me with a safe environment and most of all, a place to start over.

Thank You God:

• for giving me a hope and a future,
• for protecting my babies from evil,
• for giving my baby girl a new life of absolute bliss and joy,
• for protecting me from long-term physical harm,
• for keeping my townhouse in my name and making me come back to it,
• for allowing me to have the parents I have
• and friends who fall at your feet and pray for me.

Thank you Mom & Dad:

• For allowing me to be myself,
• for listening to me vent,
• for sharing intimate moments with me full of sorrow and suffering,
• for financially providing for me to stay home with Tyler till he was 18 months old,
• for guarding me like a hedge of thorns from my enemies,
• for giving me freedom to express myself openly,
• and for making me the woman I am today.

Thank you Family:

Mike & Kim

• for letting me move in with a baby dying from cancer, an infant and our Mother,
• for opening your home up to many people eager to help,
• for saying, “you can live with us” without hesitation when we needed a place to live,
• for supporting me for 8 months after Meredith died and allowing your house to be used as a hotel for all the various family members who wanted to come help.

Aunt Joyce Lynne

• for guarding me like a hawk in the hospital,
• for your strength and diligence to keep me from going into premature labor with Tyler,
• for your persistence that I sit and be wheeled in a wheelchair all around Duke for weeks,
• for your wisdom.

Aunt Bev

• for helping me see the truth,
• for your wisdom,
• for holding my baby girl all night in the hospital so she would feel love and comfort in the arms of her family instead of the coldness of her hospital bed,
• and for your prayers and encouragement.

Mama Too

• for being on your knees for me all the time,
• who at 84 years old, held my baby girl in her arms as well for hours,
• and for your wisdom and encouragement.

Thank you Cat:

• For being there for me through thick and thin,
• for loving me like a sister,
• for listening to me laugh, cry, grieve, vent, think outloud, etc…
• for talking on the phone to me at least 5 times a day (if not more),
• for being like a mother to Meredith and loving her like one of your own,
• for pulling me out of the pit and always asking me “what is God telling you, Beth?”
• For protecting me from harm and giving me a second chance at life,
• for accepting me for who I am and where I am.
• For being one of my spiritual rocks,
• for knowing me better than I know myself,
• for your encouragement, love, and support through my divorce and the death of my child.
• for sacrificing your own needs for mine.
• For helping me through the hardest times of my life.
• For your prayers, wisdom and discernment.
• and for being a friend that only God could have put in my life.

There are so many more that I would like to thank, but that took a lot of emotional energy. Thank you to all of you for loving me and my babies. Happy Thanksgiving 2009!

Beth