Mercy Meredith & Miracle Tyler

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.Psalm 57:1

I cannot believe that 21 months ago I birthed my “miracle baby.” I will never forget weeping over Meredith’s crib when I found out I was pregnant again. I was frightened of the unknown, and wondered how I would manage having two children so close together. I remember a distinct thought crossed my mind that very same night. One that I know now came from the Holy Spirit. I had the thought that God gave me another baby so soon because something might happen to “mercy baby” Meredith. I wept as though it was truly going to happen. As I look back to that moment, the horror sets in. I wonder if I subconsciously cherished my time more with Meredith because deep down I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t have her that long. Only God knows…

My son brings me so much joy in the midst of tremendous pain and suffering. I am inspired and motivated by him. He makes me want to stay strong and fight the battles before me. The other night, I was rocking him to sleep chest to chest. There is nothing like holding your child so close you can feel his heartbeat. It is almost like at that very moment, we were one person. That moment took me back to the time I got to hold Meredith for the first time after I had given birth to Tyler. She was getting better as we were in the oncology unit instead of the PICU. There were less tubes and machines attached to her. I no longer had a massive stomach. It was like we were back to normal. Chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat, we were one person. I yearn for that opportunity with Meredith. But, I know I have to wait to share that experience with her again till eternity.

Tyler is an example to me of God’s miracle and provision. I used to call Meredith “Miracle Meredith,” because her life was definitely a miracle. However, the last few months I have seen her more as my “Mercy Meredith.” Because of her, I have seen God’s mercy first hand. I have experienced compassion from others that is unfathomable. I have experienced forgiveness and healing from God that once seemed unattainable. Finally, I have gained sympathy and understanding for hurting people.

God has not only shown me the true meaning of mercy and deliverance through Meredith and Tyler, but also through my divorce. I have carried around the “Big D” for almost two years. It has been an albatross around my neck. Being "divorced" can be such an ugly title. It is something that must be noted on certain forms, when you introduce yourself to new people, and that comes up all the time. I used to hate saying it as I spent my whole life claiming it would never happen to me. I would never “give up” on my marriage. I would do whatever it took to fix it. I fight till the very end for what I believe in. That is me. I am a fixer and a fighter. When it came time to face that there was no fixing my marriage, the shame set in. I was constantly battling the thoughts of not really fitting in…I felt similar to Hester Prynne, the wearer of the scarlet letter, only my patch of fabric was in the shape of a D instead of an A. Up until this month I have struggled with my current label. My belief and perspective changes when a dear friend of mine said, said, “Beth, I see that D as representing DELIVERANCE, not divorce.” Amen, sister!

Once again, God has shown me mercy through so many of you. Healing is taking place and it is because of you and most of all Jesus Christ.

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. Psalm 118:13 NIV