Each morning I wake up to the same thing…my son cuing and screeching. It is a lovely way to start off my day. The next thing that happens is I peek through the cracked door and give him a big smile. He reciprocates by jumping up and down on his bottom (he refuses to stand up or walk right now) and giggles. Then, I walk toward him and he shows me his little vibrating bug and monkey toy. We smile and are off to the highchair. I try to take time to cherish these moments. I spend so much time grieving over Meredith and dealing with the hardships of my divorce that I often do not focus on God’s precious gift in the midst of all this sadness, my handsome and well behaved son, Ty Ty. He has been so wonderful to me. He is the perfect child and I love being his mother. I was listening to another woman who lost her child and she said something very moving, she was talking about the pain she felt over the loss of her youngest child, but at the same time she was rejoicing at celebrating her middle daughter’s upcoming wedding. She said something like, “I am thankful that I am able to still give to my living daughter what I can no longer give to my dead one.” You might think this is a weird thought to have while picking out your daughter’s wedding dress, but this is a reality of the people in my world. We are ecstatic to be able to do for our living child, but the throbbing never subsides of what we are unable to do for the child we had to give back to God. It is a strange feeling to be totally filled with joy over one child while the loss of your other child burns within your heart so deeply that some days you think you might turn in to a pile of ashes.
I struggle daily to hold on during this time. I have one month and one day to go till I have to face the very moment my baby took her last breath. The day sits and waits for me like a predator lingering for its’ prey, and all I can do is prepare to face it with all my might. Sometimes the darkness of my situation almost overcomes me. I dream of having an easier journey. I yearn to turn back time and figure out how to avoid this path. I question God’s goodness, His promises. I want answers but I know those answers would never be good enough. I am like a palm tree thrashing back and forth in a hurricane. I love God and know He is good, but then I can’t believe a good God would not save my baby from this cancer. I have faith that I will survive this journey, but why was there not more protection from its elements? My thoughts sway back and forth uncontrollably and weigh on my heart and mind continuously.While I was in church last week, I was prompted to read a devotion that was nestled so appropriately in the midst of the passage we were studying. I was excited to see the last name of its author, ten Boom. I noticed as I reread the Carepage from this day last year, that I included a Corrie ten Boom quote in my entry. I am always blown away to see how God uses those who have suffered the most to encourage and inspire me and He is so precise in His timing. To my surprise, this entry was written by Corrie’s sister, and it reads like this, “The most important part of our task will be to tell everyone who will listen that Jesus is the only answer to the problems that are disturbing the hearts of men and nations. We shall have the right to speak because we can tell from our experience that his light is more powerful than the deepest darkness…How wonderful that the reality of his presence is greater than the reality of the hell about us.”-Betsie ten Boom.
I too have the right to speak because of my experience, I have been through hell and have faced insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities this year and what God has revealed to me over and over is just what Betsie stated above, JESUS, who is... King of Kings (Rev 17:14) Strength to the needy in distress (Isa 25:4), A Refuge from the Storm (Isa 25:4), My Rock and my Fortress (Psa 31:3), The Rock of my Strength (Psa 62:7), and the Lord both of the dead and the living (Rom 14:9).
Beth
I struggle daily to hold on during this time. I have one month and one day to go till I have to face the very moment my baby took her last breath. The day sits and waits for me like a predator lingering for its’ prey, and all I can do is prepare to face it with all my might. Sometimes the darkness of my situation almost overcomes me. I dream of having an easier journey. I yearn to turn back time and figure out how to avoid this path. I question God’s goodness, His promises. I want answers but I know those answers would never be good enough. I am like a palm tree thrashing back and forth in a hurricane. I love God and know He is good, but then I can’t believe a good God would not save my baby from this cancer. I have faith that I will survive this journey, but why was there not more protection from its elements? My thoughts sway back and forth uncontrollably and weigh on my heart and mind continuously.While I was in church last week, I was prompted to read a devotion that was nestled so appropriately in the midst of the passage we were studying. I was excited to see the last name of its author, ten Boom. I noticed as I reread the Carepage from this day last year, that I included a Corrie ten Boom quote in my entry. I am always blown away to see how God uses those who have suffered the most to encourage and inspire me and He is so precise in His timing. To my surprise, this entry was written by Corrie’s sister, and it reads like this, “The most important part of our task will be to tell everyone who will listen that Jesus is the only answer to the problems that are disturbing the hearts of men and nations. We shall have the right to speak because we can tell from our experience that his light is more powerful than the deepest darkness…How wonderful that the reality of his presence is greater than the reality of the hell about us.”-Betsie ten Boom.
I too have the right to speak because of my experience, I have been through hell and have faced insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities this year and what God has revealed to me over and over is just what Betsie stated above, JESUS, who is... King of Kings (Rev 17:14) Strength to the needy in distress (Isa 25:4), A Refuge from the Storm (Isa 25:4), My Rock and my Fortress (Psa 31:3), The Rock of my Strength (Psa 62:7), and the Lord both of the dead and the living (Rom 14:9).
Beth
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