Meredith's Second Birthday

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his armsand carries them close to his heart…” Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)
This is the verse Meredith’s Memorial was based on yesterday. It was the perfect one selected by the most perfect person I could ever imagine, my grandmother, Mama 2. We celebrated the birth of Tyler as well as the second year of Mer’s life with a precious time of prayer, memories and encouragement (Thank you Cat, you are the best friend in the world- I added some pictures too). I cannot describe the thoughts that go through my mind as I stand and gaze at my daughter’s grave. I know that it is just her body and not her soul, but when I look at the spot where she was buried almost a year ago, I see a part of me there as well. Actually, I huge part of me lies beneath the ground. If I could have anything in this world, it would be to have her back. Instead, I have to hold on to what we had together as mother and daughter. I have to hold tightly to the laughter Meredith provided for me, the precious moments that we shared together in the late hours of the night, the funny times we had as I tried desperately to feed her “interesting” foods that she immediately rejected. The first time she said, “Ma ma” and the feel of her nestled comfortably in my arms. These memories are mine forever, and they are what will help me breathe in and breathe out each day. I spent today rereading my journal from last year. I recorded everything Meredith did in it. I am thankful that I spent the time writing as this is what will keep my memories fresh. I spent some time reviewing her birth story with my family today and so I am sharing those memories with you as well. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did.Meredith Elisabeth Edwards was born this day last year at 12:38pm. She was 5 lbs 17 oz and 17 ¾ in. long. She was a planned c-section as she was breech and they were concerned about her small size. I actually went into labor the night before but my contractions were 10 minutes apart so there was no need to go to the hospital. I slept that night comfortably and when I woke in the morning, we were off to the hospital. It would be just a few more hours till I could see my precious baby. This was a day I had dreamed of for many years. My C-section went really well mostly because the doctors and nurses were kind and explained everything carefully and patiently to me. The funny thing is that when I got on the table to start the c-section, my water broke. It was clear then Meredith was going to come this day no matter if I had a planed c-section or not. When the procedure was over and they held little Meredith up her legs were in a V. She looked like a cheerleader. She had blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest skin you have ever seen. She was absolutely beautiful!The first few weeks of her life were a blur but I loved being with her every day. God really blessed me to be able to stay at home with Meredith. I truly thank Him for giving me that time with her. “I look at her all the time and praise God for His amazing blessing. She is so beautiful and perfect. I cannot believe how much I love her. It is such an intense, protective, nurturing love. Meredith was so worth the wait” (written 05-09-07).I read these words from my journal and I just can’t believe that she is gone. How can someone so precious be here one day and gone the next? How do you recover or even continue without the one who made you who you were really supposed to be in life? “She is such a wonderful little girl. I am so excited that I am her mommy. As soon as I put Mer Mer to bed, I want her back up again to hold. Children are such a blessing from the Lord (07-23-07).” I have spent a lot of time really processing my relationship with the Lord and asking Him some tough questions. I want to fill in the gap between God’s promises and God’s provisions. I just wish He would give me an answer that would make the pain go away, that would somehow help me bring her back. I have to say that He is revealing things to me because I am asking Him to do so. He is big enough and wise enough to handle my frustrations and my various questions. He has never failed me and consistently reminds me that He is in control and leading me where He wants me to be. We sang this song by Chris Tomlin yesterday in church that I absolutely adore and have for many years. It made me think of Meredith and how lucky she was to be spending her time in Heaven and how one day I will join her and I will be holding her in my arms once again.

How lovely is/Your dwelling place/Oh Lord Almighty,For my soul longs/And even faints/For You/Oh, here my heart/Is satisfied (is satisfied)/Within Your presence/I sing beneath/The shadow ofYour wings/Better is one day in Your courts/Better is one day in Your house/Better is one day in Your courts/Than thousands elsewhere

Beth