Relief

If we turn away from the gloom, and take up the tasks and duties to which God called us, the light will come again, and we shall grow stronger.” (J.R. Miller).

Making it through this week is always a test of my strength. I was delighted that I got to spend time celebrating Tyler’s birthday this year. Each year, my joy strengthens and I get “better.” On Tyler’s birthday, I was retelling his birth story to a co-worker. I was explaining to her what a relief it was to give birth to him. The timing seemed terrible as Meredith was scheduled for an MRI, I was at Wake Med and she was at Duke. During his labor, I screamed so much and so loud that I know people could hear me in another city. The screaming was partly due to natural childbirth, but mostly it was a way to express my emotional pain. When Mer’s diagnosis came, I had to maintain control to not aggravate my preterm labor situation. Once Tyler was out and safe, everything came out. It was such a relief.

After putting Tyler to bed that night, I began to reflect on all the ways that Tyler has been a relief in my life. During my deep grief, I would look at Tyler and smile. When I have feel absolutely torn and confused, I look at this special boy and I feel relief. What a gift God gave me through his birth and life.

As I transitioned to Mer’s birthday the very next day, I felt strong and focused. I was actually somewhat relieved that this year I was in a better place emotionally. However, that all changed with the blink of an eye. As soon as I got in the car, I began to weep. I cannot explain the pain I felt. All I know is that there was no stopping the tears. Not being able to celebrate Mer’s 5th birthday with her literally breaks my heart. I honestly feel physical pain in my soul. It is a horrible thing to experience. The pain is excruciating. But, I survived the day and was encouraged by my devotion by J.R. Miller, “The joy set before us should shine upon our grief as the sun shines through the clouds, glorifying them. God has so ordered that in pressing on in duty, we shall find the truest, richest comfort for ourselves.” I do believe this to be true. After my tears were shed, God gently reminded me that my perseverance and willingness to follow Him will result in great joy, strength and pleasure. My marks of suffering have made me a better person, a more understanding friend, a better mother and a grateful woman.

(Tyler letting off a princess balloon for Meredith's birthday)