Old Habits

I’ve been busy holding it together and looking somewhat normal these days and it is exhausting. I remember I used to do this before Meredith died. I would pretend that all was well and everything was just “perfect.” Old habits come back swiftly. The last few days I have been SO frustrated. I have several balls up in the air and while all are good and positive, the pressure and expectations I have for myself are overwhelming. I was looking through some of my old memorabilia and came across my 1st grade report card. I laughed as I saw the comment from my teacher, “Beth is struggling in reading and spelling. She expects a great deal of herself and this places added pressure.” I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but clearly I expect a lot from myself, so when I fall short, I feel so defeated.

Over the last few days, I have found myself unable to express my feelings, angry over the life that I have, cynical about what I have been through, and most of all, paralyzed when it comes to writing. These old habits are absolutely consuming. I could not hear from the Lord as my anger burned deeply. I could feel it all over my body and in my soul. All the memories came back on why and how I got to this point. Luckily, I went to this worship conference last night and was able to reconnect with the Lord. I didn’t even know what to pray other than, Help! I hated how I was feeling. I could not even acknowledge or give thanks for all that God has done for me, all I could do was fume at what I had lived through and what I had lost. I needed to break free or I was going to lose it!

As I prayed for relief, I began to cry and remember… I cannot stuff the feelings I have inside, I have to allow God to purge them from my soul. With my tears, came relief. I needed Him to change my anger into understanding. He began to reveal to me why I was so frustrated. I always want control of my life. I live in complete abandonment to God and then I quickly pull back and try to present what I think looks good, or what I believe to be the purpose of my life. I quickly forget that this is the life God created for me and that it is a good life full of blessings and purpose. Everything I have faced in my 34 years, is being used for God’s glory right now. He has positioned me in my job, community and church to make positive changes for Him. God has used my pain of losing Meredith, my past relationships and my experience walking through separation and divorce in powerful ways this year. None of these trials have been a waste.

So, I am happy to say that God dealt with my old habits last night. I know they will come back for a visit again one day, but I am elated they are gone for now. My heart is grateful that when I ask the Lord for help and submit to him, He always comes through!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15