February is a month of celebration while a time of great reflection. As Tyler and Meredith’s third and fourth birthdays quickly approach, I feel conflicted. I have already started planning Tyler’s party. I enjoy doing this and cannot wait to celebrate one of the happiest days of my life. But, as I plan, I grieve that Meredith will only turn 4 in my heart. I can only dream of what she would look like, do and say on her fourth birthday.
Last week, as I was doing my Bible Study Matthew 17:20 was the focus, “…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”I have to admit that I struggle with this verse, especially during this season. It was also interesting that Matthew 17:20 was part of my study 2 days before I got my book proof from my publisher. So, here I am facing a verse that makes me feel like I didn’t have enough faith for God to perform a miracle followed up by a book that details all my disappointments and hardships.
As I meditated on Matthew 17:20, I began to think how it has applied to my life after Meredith’s death. How God has kept His word even though at times it has been difficult to believe due to my circumstances. Losing Meredith has challenged me to expect God to answer my prayers, but to not expect him to do so in a certain way. I have seen Him move mountains in my life, but not in the way I pictured.
Even though I get disgruntled and frustrated when I am reminded of the things I do not understand, I have also realized that questioning and wrestling with God is not just normal but is necessary. So, I am thankful that God has once again asked me to think and pray about this faith verse.
As far as my book, many of you have been asking me when it will be finished. I had high hopes it would be out by Meredith’s birthday, but since I am still proofing it, that will not happen. It is nearing completion though and as I read it again, God has given me a whole new set of promises. Like many authors, I think it needs more tweaking, but I know deep down that it is exactly what God wants it to be. Lord willing, you will see it in the next month and will be able to read my love story between Mother, Daughter and our God.
1 comment:
Hang in there, Beth. As you now know, writing a book is a huge endeavor that involves facing, and overcoming, enormous obstacles. All is possible with Jesus on your side! The story will speak for itself even though none of us a perfect writers. God will work miracles in the hearts of its readers! I look forward to reading it and sharing it with others.
Praying for you.
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