Feeling Failed

Today I felt like crying at least five or six times. Normal things and odd things triggered my tears; a friend of mine’s email about a dying brother, drama on one of my favorite shows, celebrities going back to their first jobs on Oprah. I felt as though I was walking through each of those situations with these people. It was definitely overwhelming. I know when I am weepy, I need to cry over Meredith. I need to just sit down at my computer and start writing about her. When I spend time writing, the reality sets in that she is not here. The memories come flooding back. I suppose the email I received today really made me emotionally fragile. Although the circumstances of this man’s death and Meredith’s were so different there were common threads. He was loved by many and had several hundred visitors while he was sick. God blessed his family with time to say goodbye and peace while he passed away. This man left a legacy as he loved God, loved his family and loved his community. He was 50 when he left this earth to be with Jesus. It was too early and unfair, just like Mer. As I pondered how to respond to this friend’s email, I could not come up with the words. I suppose I should have some soothing and comforting words to say; however, my own loss still haunts me.
I have been so excited about what God is doing in my life. There has been so much redemption. I feel I have been called to the ministry and I am walking forward in faith. I really don’t know what this calling looks like, but I know that there is much purpose in my story. I know that God wants me to use the lessons I have learned and heartache I have endured to help hurting women. How it all shapes up…is still an exciting mystery. As I am preparing to take the next steps forward in serving Him, there is so much unfinished business on my part. My verse for the day was Hebrews 13:5b, “I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU." It was followed by this very question, “Have I really let God say to me that He will never fail me?” (Chambers, 1963).
It is incredibly challenging to not feel deserted/failed/abandoned by the Lord when I think of losing Meredith. If I focus on the good that has occurred over the years, I know my life is so much better than it was before this tragedy, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. Everything is fixed, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. So much of God’s Word makes sense to me, EXCEPT for the part that doesn’t explain why I had to lose Meredith. This exception keeps me questioning, pondering and conflicted. In every other part of my life I don’t feel deserted, but when it comes to asking God to do a miracle and cure my little girl, I feel FAILED.
All that I know to do is TRUST that in the end redemption will be seen in all things, including the exception.
Beth