Trading Dreams

As I approach year 2 without Meredith, I am full of sadness, confusion and hope. I am presently training to run the 5K at the Angels Among Us race on April 24th, so it was timely that today's' sermon was on "Running God's Race." Recovering from the events that have taken place in my life over the past few years, has been like running a marathon. I have had to train my mind, body and soul to stay focused on the finish line. It has been a hard and long race, and I am not even close to the end... But, God knew all that I would face in my life…He knew I would watch my daughter thrive and develop into a lovely toddler, and He knew I would watch her suffer and die of brain cancer. He also knew I would survive her death even though there are days I yearn to leave this world to be with her.

God knew the same memories that haunt me and sometimes torment me would encourage and motivate me. He made Meredith incredibly unique. She made me a better person; she made me want to be the best Mom in the world. I never imagined I would not have her to hold, to tickle, snuggle with and to pour all my love into. This is God’s mystery that maybe in time He will reveal to me. For now, I wait and I try to make a new life with what I have left.

God has taught me a lot. A reoccurring thought I have is, "I could have done it. I could have taken care of Meredith and Tyler by myself even if Meredith was disabled." A lot of times people say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," and I kept thinking to myself that I could have done it. I would have given up my whole life and dedicated it to my babies. It would have been worth it to still have her.

When I go to this place, God always inspires me by His beauty. While at my parent's church one Sunday, I looked at the stain glass up front that said, "I am the vine and you are the branches." I closed my eyes and envisioned my baby girl in the beautiful scene of flowing water and vibrant colors. In that moment, Jesus whispered to me, "She is doing great, Beth. She is waiting for you to get here. She cannot wait to see you again." What a glorious moment that will be…not only will I be in Heaven and see God the Father, I will also see Meredith and all the people that were led to Him by her birth, life and death.

As I enter Heaven, I will not think about all the years I waited to see Meredith again or what I saw in the hospital. I will not recall the doctor suggesting that I should think about "how far I wanted to go" in order to save her life. I will forget all of the pain and the suffering that seems unbearable and what I will see is Jesus, the son of God in all His glory. I will see the God that has held my hand through every part of my life. Who never forgot me, who never left me, and who told me that He would provide everything I needed if I truly let Him be my vine. John 15:5-8 says,

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

So, I am a branch…a wilted, weak, sometimes perky but mostly droopy branch. My leaves and fruit are flawed, tattered and barely hanging on, but they are still there. God gives me the nourishment that I need each day and I believe there will be a time when my branch will be strong, perky and full of fruit. One day I will have the strength to encourage a wilted, tattered and weak branch to depend on the vine just as I did.

Lord, help me to know you more intimately. Help me to know you are with me. All of my dreams, my hopes and goals have been shattered. You have eliminated some and changed others. Help me to find encouragement in the past- in the men and women who have been destitute, persecuted and mistreated but were all commended for their faith in the end. (Hebrews 11:37-39,NIV). I have traded my dreams for Yours, Lord. I beg You to take them to greater heights than I could have ever dreamed.