The last few weeks have been incredibly challenging. I have been in a “funk” ever since Meredith’s birthday. I cannot really pinpoint what is bothering me among the ever present troubles that surround me. I think it is the frustration of all the components that have left me in this yucky place. These are troubling months for me. I am trying desperately to see the goodness of life and the blessings of a new beginning. At the same time, the memories of the past cloud my view.
I have been feeling the effects of Meredith’s life and death heavily. It has been increasingly hard to watch the little ones around me grow up. All Meredith’s friends are still here. I can only imagine what she would be like. Yesterday, I was watching my three year old nephew interact with Tyler I could not help but imagine Meredith in his place. I could see Mer and Ty sitting beside each other watching Barney. I could see them feeding the ducks together, fighting over toys, and riding in the double stroller. I know they would have loved each other so much. It’s these visions that test my faith to the core.
“These things have I spoken to you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." (John 15:11)
The themes of my devotions this week have been “gifts” and “joy.” My mind tells me these are not things God wants me to be focusing on right now… But, my heart knows that when you hear and read the same themes over and over they are from the Lord. I just cannot figure out how to focus on the gifts God has given me and the joy I should have in Him. I find this absolutely daunting and feel like a complete failure. The truth is, I have so many things to be grateful for and when I do focus on Meredith’s death and the disappointment of all the events that transpired during that time, the heaviness nearly overcomes me. I can hardly hold on to God’s promises. It is a daily battle.
As I have been praying through these feelings of inadequacy, I was challenged by this statement, “…tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them."~Oswald Chambers
So, I have been asking God how to feel his joy in my circumstances. How do I become like Paul who was exceedingly joyful in all his tribulation? The task seems unachievable. But I know that being shaped and molded by the Father is all about His perfect timing. Unfortunately, I want a quick fix; I don’t like to wait on anyone or anything. My nature is to identify the problem, develop a solution and fix it. It is no longer up to me to do this. I have to face my problems, wait on the solution and patiently ask for a fix that may or may not come in my lifetime.
One day I will not feel overcome by the darkness of my circumstances. One day I will be strong enough and wise enough to feel joy in the midst of great pain. One day I will look in the eyes of my Father and thank Him for giving and taking away the things that I held most dear on Earth.
“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors thorough Him that loved us.” (Romans 8:37)
2 comments:
Last Friday, the local radio station was taking part in a telethon for Saint Jude's Hospital and research. I was in the car sitting outside of the LL Bean outlet when I heard the story of a mother who had lost a child to a type of blasotma. Her crying just about killed me all over again. I wish she had you to talk to. In your journey, you have poured out your heart and have helped more people than you will ever know about. I called the station and made a donation to honor the memory of Mer Mer. I pray for a cure of this horrible cancer.
"I am truly amazed by your strength, even if you don't feel strong. Your son is so blessed to have you as a mom!" Jenny
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