Goodness

Thou knows’t not what is good for thee,
But God doth know---
Let Him thy strong reliance be,
And rest thee so. ---C.F. Gellert

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the events that have taken place in my life. Sometimes a gain more perspective and peace while other times I cry in despair and just want to throw in the towel. There is so much pain to sift through. It comes from many different events, some lingering questions that do not have answers and from good and bad memories. Lately, I have wondered about this promise from the Lord…
Genesis 32:12 I will surely do thee good.
I go round and round with this verse as well as others that speak of God’s good and perfect plan for our lives. In the midst of so much personal tragedy, how can there be good? I believe the worst thing that could happen to someone is to watch their child die, add on a divorce and you’ve got a full fledged nightmare. No need to rent a horror flick, just watch my life in action. I’m certainly getting better at handling disappointment and surviving tough circumstances. It does get easier when that it what you deal with day after day. My attitude can get pretty bleak. I don’t like it and am usually corrected by my loved ones and God immediately. Without them and HIM I would be in a pit of despair and self-pity every minute of the day.
One of the reoccurring thoughts I have is…if Meredith had lived and she was disabled I would have taken care of her and done a great job. I have wondered why God didn’t just let her live…Did He think I couldn’t handle it? I know it would have been hard, but I am a “fixer” and I would have done whatever I could to give my little girl a good life. There is nothing I would not have done. I realized that this is such a selfish way to think. It was not what was best for Meredith to live…otherwise God would have kept her here.
My devotion reminded me that “we need to be careful of thinking that what we have assigned to us is not the right thing for us.”(Elizabeth Charles). I’m not saying that I think questioning is bad, it actually has grown my faith tremendously. However, there is point where I have had to accept that this was my fate and that good will come of all of this trauma and heartache.
God gave me a second chance when he gave me Meredith. He allowed me to see His goodness and experience a love that goes beyond words. I’ve learned that life is too precious to waste time trying to be omniscient---after all, only God is…