Recreation

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Genesis 50:20 (New International Version)
My quest for answers has sent me down many different paths lately. I have to say I am putting in some hard sweat and tears on my journey to healing. I have made unbelievable gains and had disappointing setbacks, but I am grateful for where I have been and where I am going. A year and a half ago, I could hardly get out of bed. Everything was a blur and my pain was chronic. As I was driving past this little church on Durant Rd tonight, I was reminded of how I had to pull over into its’ gravel parking lot not too long ago. I was in so much pain, the tears were uncontrollable and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through that day. To say that I felt damaged, discarded and depressed back then is an understatement. Over the past 20 months, I have become close companions with these three “D’s.” Today they come and go with my circumstances as well as my emotions but back then they were constant.
One of the themes of my life lately has been this idea of being “damaged goods.” I jokingly say to all those special friends and family members who want to introduce me to someone, “Okay, how are you going to present me to your friend?” I mean the facts of my life are quite intimidating. I am not just a single mom…I am a mom to a dead child, a recently divorced woman and a mom to a beautiful baby boy. Yes, I will heal from my divorce. I will heal from the financial crisis’ I have endured and the hurtful words others have shouted at me, but I will never heal from losing my precious daughter. Living without her will always hurt. I know it will hurt less over time; nonetheless, it will still hurt. My happiest moments will always be coupled with the pain of an indescribable loss. It is hard to look forward with this knowledge. My pain and life journey is quite complex.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3 (New International Version)
I know I am damaged but by God’s grace, I have not been destroyed. Through God’s faithfulness, love and comfort I am a recreation of who I was. God has made me wiser, stronger, more empathetic and less judgmental. I am certain that the evil things I have encountered will be used for good just as they were for Joseph. I have already witnessed this and am grateful that there is true redemption in Christ. As I continue on my road to recovery, I am encouraged. I am diligently working through my disappointment and frustration. God is good even in the midst of so much pain.