I’ve always enjoyed celebrating birthdays. I look forward to my own, not because of the presents, but because of friends and family coming together. This year, my excitement was subdued. When a special event approaches, my mind seesaws between joy and sorrow. I did not enjoy turning 33 this year. Primarily because it marked my second birthday without my daughter. I have had two birthdays without her. It just seems unreal and shocking. How I have lived this long with Meredith gone I will never now. Some days the memories take my breath away. Other days they keep me on the floor face down begging God for the drive to move forward.
When Meredith was alive, she always looked so spiffy. If she was wearing a pink outfit, she also had a matching hat, socks and pacifier. I loved dressing her up and she didn’t seem to mind. I really saw her as the perfect child (except for the whole napping issue). She made me the happiest I have ever been. Every night I would check on her before bed to make sure she was resting comfortably. I absolutely loved watching her sleep. How I miss seeing her in that crib surrounded by pink and green accents. She was so pretty inside and out.
Last night I dreamed about Meredith. It is not often that I see her in my dreams, but it always leaves me emotionally distressed when I do. She was alive in my dream but she had some developmental issues due to the cancer. Physically, she looked perfect. But, inside she was full of cancer. Her Pediatrician kept assuring me that the delays were fine, but I couldn’t excuse the results and continued grieving over my child not being perfect. I just kept crying- nothing could make me feel better.
Last night I dreamed about Meredith. It is not often that I see her in my dreams, but it always leaves me emotionally distressed when I do. She was alive in my dream but she had some developmental issues due to the cancer. Physically, she looked perfect. But, inside she was full of cancer. Her Pediatrician kept assuring me that the delays were fine, but I couldn’t excuse the results and continued grieving over my child not being perfect. I just kept crying- nothing could make me feel better.
When my heart is aching as it is today, I always search for scripture to comfort me. I typed the word “perfect” into http://www.biblegateway.com/ and this is the verse that struck me: “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless” 2 Samuel 22:31 (NIV). This verse reminded me that none of us are perfect, but God is. I keep trying to handle my lot perfectly. I work hard to say all the right things, to act normal and to look put together. I’ve been doing it for years. But, I am not perfect and inside I am a mess. I wish I could handle my pain perfectly. I desire to stand before you and believe it when I sing, “When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul” as Horatio G. Spafford did, but I can’t.
As I analyze my dream as well as the 2 Samuel verse, I wonder what God is telling me. I’d love to hear your wisdom/thoughts as I am stuck this time…
Beth
6 comments:
What a precious verse and reminder from above. Hang in there Beth, you have so much strength!
Beth, I have read your readings, prayed for you and cried with you. You are so inspiring and I am amazed by your gift for writing. I began praying for your family and reading about your story when I started receiving forwards from a friend of a friend of a friend. When I read about your dream, it made me wonder if you have read the book "The Shack"?
I too miss sweet Mer Mer! I cannot believe that she has been gone so long. I am proud of you for all of your hard work on honoring Mers memory and for sharing your story with others. The blog looks great!
Kim
Dear Beth,
I'm so far behind on emails, and just read your blog written on Thursday....then I read this devotion from Anne Graha Lotz, and although the word "perfect" is not in this script, I wanted to share it with you, for it is with our "perfect" submission, trust and faith that we are priveledged to see the "glory of God"....
God bless you with His perfect love and compassion. I love your new blog, what a beautiful ministry, I see God's plan being revealed with each opening of your new site and the carepage entries since 2008.
Because He lives! Because He is Perfect love! we can know His Perfection!
Whitney,
I have read "The Shack" and I really enjoyed it. I should definitely reread it though now that I am coming out of the "clouds of grief" somewhat. Thank you for your encouragement through this time of difficulty!
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